10. In the wild, real breasts are easy to differentiate from fake boobs by squeezing them with a gentle but firm cupped hand, the fake breasts will emit a “honking” sound that will attract mallard ducks.

9. Real breasts will vibrate sensuously when you apply your lips and deliver a “bromski” into the ample cleavage while fake boobs will reverberate in a frequency that is likely to cause headaches.

8. In a crowded bar or similar environment yell “strippers suck” and every women that steps forward to kick your ass has a high probability of having fake boobs.

7. With your erect penis, drum lightly on a woman’s breast and if you see a slight rippling wave akin to jello shaken in a bowl then you have encountered actual authentic boobage; whereas, the fake boobs can feel like you are cracking your dick against a brick wall. Remember the part that says drum “lightly”.

6. If you look carefully, fake breasts have a small line of text that reads “in case of emergency, can be used as a flotation device” and real breasts don’t

5. Heat will cause fake breasts to rise but it will cause real boobs to fall.

4. Try blowing air into the left nipple and if the breasts increase in size then you know they are fake.

3. When a woman is riding “cowgirl” style while you have sex and things get really wild, she is bucking and grinding and rocking your world, but then her boobs fall off then you can be certain that they are fake.

2. If you hear a slight hissing sound after nibbling on your lover’s breast then apply a light solution of soapy water and if you see bubbles then you know you have sprung a leak in the fake boob.

1. If you are watching Homegrown Video’s “Big Breast Amateurs” then you can be sure those titties are 100% homegrown all natural organic boobies.