My crazy girlfriend Lani Brooke loves to surprise me with unusual sex games like when she said “let’s have a threesome” and the third one turned out to be her sock puppet. Then there is the time she started calling out various names of past and present Presidents and telling me that I had to fuck like them… (imagine trying to conjur up how Bush Sr. or Gerald Ford would lay some fuck down and you can guess how tough that would be; although when she called out Clinton I knew right away just how pervy I could get)

Well, today she calls me to the chamber of love and when she comes up from under the covers – her usual surprise attack which I know now to be quite wary of – she came out with a little fake mustache on and told me to fuck her new alter ego “Larry”!

I could have froze up. I could have questioned my sexuality. I could have been an angry homophobe and been totally turned off. But I didn’t. I watched Sean Penn’s brilliant performance in “Milk” and if he could act like a gay man and win an Academy Award then I could use “the method” to pull of an equally award worthy performance.

I knew just what to do. I didn’t hesitate. I said, “I am going to get all Castro – Fire Island – Santa Monica Blvd on your sweet little ass baby!”

I grabbed the lube…

You can figure out the rest you dirty little whores!

I think I might be developing multiple personality disorder. Did he just say what I think he said? Yes. Well I am not sure that we agree on that point. What makes you say that? Well listen to what he has to do when he is having sex with Lani. Oh. You mean like when she makes him fuck like Bush or Obama or Clinton? How can I keep track? YOU? WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? Like when we have to be Ellen licking Portia and Arnold bending Maria over for anal (omfg!) and Tom Cruise fucking Katie Holmes… that is not so weird. C’mon, everyone fantasizes about what it would be like to be a celebrity, but more importantly, everyone wonders what having the sex life of a celebrity would be all about. I know but isn’t he like a retired porn star or something or the owner of Homegrown Video? Doesn’t that count for something? Yes. It accounts for his weirdness but it is still not weirder than the idea of Cruise fucking Holmes now then is it… We have a point there.

Yes I do.

I had just stepped away from the computer. The work day was done. Time for some relaxation. Time to zone out on the TV for a few. I called to Lani, “Baby, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeeeee, do you want to come watch some tube?” No answer. She had just taken a shower so I had to figure she was probably upstairs. She couldn’t hear me. Didn’t matter why. Could be the hair dryer or maybe in my fantasy world she was playing with that hitachi vibe that I picked out for her with all the little special rubber nub attachments and mini-phallus appendages that can be pulled onto it. I imagined her playing with it. Enjoying some privacy and an orgasm or two… maybe the ticket for my turn would come up soon and I would be beckoned up, up to the bedroom, where her warm naked body would invite me under the covers and we could fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck… fuck.

But in the meantime I would have to wait so I kicked back on the couch and turned on the tv.

Surfed some channels.

All of a sudden the volume mysteriously started climbing. Damn, I must be sitting again on the remote. So I searched the cushions and pulled it free then turned down the audio which had climbed to the point where the neighbors might consider calling the cops… and no one wants the cops to show up when they are watching “Real Housewives of Orange County”.

So I turned it down to a respectable volume and began watching again. For a few stress free minutes of pure and mindless time in front of the idiot box, all was swell.

Then the volume began climbing again. Only this time the remote was right there. I hadn’t touched it. The dog hadn’t stepped on it and the cat wasn’t sleeping on it. I had to act quickly. The volume slowly, steadily, annoyingly was continuing to rise. I jumped off the couch and tried fiddling with the volume controls on the set, the old fashioned approach, yes, but when all else fails sometimes you have to fall back on the old tried and true ways. Fortunately, the set is mounted too high on the wall for me to kick it which is what I was on the verge of doing.

Then I opened the closet where all the amps and receivers and xbox and whatnots are racked…

That is when the troll screamed. The closet troll. She was tucked into a little ball in the darkness of the space with only the little led and display lights to illuminate her. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Then the troll started laughing hysterically. Apparently my reaction was humorous and that could mean only one thing. LANI!!!!

I was still shaking when we finally got down to some good old fashioned sex. I think I was vibrating like a hitachi magic wand set on high speed…

Lani was invited to do a special feature show on the Flirt4free and Homegrown Cams network on Halloween. I am sure you will all agree that she did a pretty fantastic job with her costume.

Lani spreads the wealth around

 Fans loved her sense of humor and sexy antics. She had everyone cracking up when she claimed that she shaved her bush into a “landing strip” so her Maverick could land on it. Since she is my girlfriend I guess that sort of makes her the first lady of Homegrown Video!

I have been in the porn biz for years but truthfully I am much more conservative than one would imagine somebody in my industry to be. I can’t help it. I was raised on the East Coast where the white collared stiffs with starchy values golf clubbed country club social mores into kids from the time they were too young to know even know what a beemer was. Don’t talk about money. Do not discuss religion, politics, or your problems, and definitely never ever never talk about sex. Those were things best left in private.

Now admittedly, I ran to the west coast seeking freedom and the chance to see more Dead concerts and inevitably I did loosen up a bit to the point where I got into porn… umm… I guess you can say I loosened up quite a bit but not entirely. There are still some things that bring out that old colonial puritanical crap in me. Walking behind Lani when we went to the mall the other day and watching in shock and awe and a tiny bit of horror as she dropped her pants and mooned me in the parking lot would certainly be proof of that. I didn’t know what to do. She just kept walking with her ass going boom, boom, boom like a tight drum pounding out a hypnotic rhythm that would cause the whole parking lot to fall in step behind her and march.

Somewhere between hypnotized, mesmerized, and intoxicated I walked behind and tried to stammer out some sort of protest. What if people saw us? (lol, see what I mean? Notice how I say “us” like I am worried about what people will think of my naked ass… ) I couldn’t say much. All that came out was something that sounded like “Babee, babe, babee, ba, b,b,b” !

Luckily she pulled them up in time before I had to worry about if we gave the old lady behind us a heart attack. Things were back to good old status quo. Everyone in his place and doing what he or she should be doing.

 Suddenly I had an appetite for sushi.

In my days, when the racing Speedo came out it was a skimpy little suit like a bikini bottom. It was the suit that Mark Spitz won all his medals in. So, with a nostalgic gleam in my eye, the remembrance of my lean youth, I readily agreed to put on Lani’s panties when she said, “You can only fuck me right now if you wear my panties.” She figured there was no way I would agree but I guess someone should have reminded her that morning that I am a freak. No problem. Who wouldn’t agree to such terms? Wear cute little cotton girly panties and get laid, or don’t wear any cute little girly underwear and suffer the cold indignities of a sexless void.

I didn’t hesitate. Those panties, striped with blue and white, and perfumed with Lani punani nectar of the sex gods were off in a flash and I was diving into them like Michael Phelps diving in to race for another gold medal.

I am certainly comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit that, by golly, those skimpy undies felt mighty darn good. In fact, they made me want to oil up my hairy belly and dance like I was at a rave in Ibiza. So, with the imaginary beats from the pretend DJ in the make believe disco pulsing away in my head, I did a little dance grinding away on Lani until she through her hands in the air… through her hands in the air… through her hands in the air like she just don’t care!

At Homegrown Video we have always prided ourselves on giving our members exactly what they want. So, it should come as no surprise that when a request for more scenes featuring a pretty hirsute girl named Cameron Lani and I were on it… I guess figuratively and literally speaking. Cameron has a very hairy bush and even hairy underarms. I guess it would be fair to say that most people have not seen a pussy this furry since about 1970 when they went to a Grateful Dead concert and a hippy chick got naked and danced until security made her put her dress back on.

I am surprised that hairy bush seems so unfashionable these days but not so surprising is how that scarcity would spike the demand to see more unshaven cunts in porn. Chalk that up to “whatever people can’t have then they want more” psychology. In any event, I have to admit that I like ‘em whatever which way… trimmed, wild, bare, who cares I say as long as people are having fun.

We will see how it goes. If the vibe is not there then we won’t shoot. On the other hand though if the chemistry is right then time for some hot hairy sex tonight!

So I jumped through the door like a madman after taking the dog for a walk today, and I was something this side of nuts to get a bj – you know those kind of days, where if you don’t get a blowjob someone is going to have to pay for your moodiness for the rest of the day…

“Baby!” I yelled. “Baby!” I said again just in case she didn’t hear me well enough the first time. “What?” Lani replied taking just enough time to glance up from her laptop screen to acknowledge my presence.

“Time to suck the cock!”

She had barely enough time to make about three excuses why I should wait before I had ripped off my clothes (leaving my socks on like a real porn star of course). “I’m working”, forget that, “I haven’t had a shower”, who cares, and “Don’t you have to get to work?” This is my job, remember? She tried them all but I wasn’t having any of it.

Lani was about to come up with another excuse when I popped my cock in her mouth like a cork in a bottle. The next time that thing was coming out was when it was time to pour the champagne if you know what I mean. I began fucking her mouth and everything in the world took on a rosy happy glow and all my troubles seemed to fade away – never underestimate the power of a good blowjob.

Then Lani started tapping my dick with her fingers and when she started humming I knew then and there her orchestral leanings. She was playing my “skin flute”. What an Ode to Joy!

1. Make sure you underwear is clean. Nothing spoils the mood like pulling off the shorts or panties and seeing a great big butt shmear across the crotch crease.

2. Don’t ask for “sloppy seconds” unless you have cleaned up and eaten everything off of your first helping.

3. The sacrifice of sleeping on the extra wet wet spot must be considered an honor and a privilege otherwise you risk getting cut off from it ever happening again.

4. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you, unless of course there is only enough lube for one person to take it up the butt in which case a coin toss can easily resolve matters.

5. Make sure to be loud enough so that your neighbor’s neighbors can hear everything and look at you with a strange mix of horror, fascination, curiousity, and desire the next day.

6. Any trips to the bathroom should also be an opportunity to quickly freshen up, make sure to brush the teeth and floss out any embarrassing pubic hairs embedded between tooth and gum.

7. Be fair and balanced in dispersing your charms otherwise face a court of inquiry the next day about “who do you really like, me, or her, or him… or it…”

8. Occassionally come up for air, look around, and make sure that the dog hasn’t climbed into the action…

9. Keep your freakiest sides hidden until there is complete trust and willingness to share all around; no one really likes to know that you like a feather duster stuck up your ass with a rubber glove on your head, while you cockle doodle doo away on a first time three-way.

10. Always ask for what you want graciously and give what others need generously and never ever take it for granted that your fantasy is becoming reality unless you want your fantasy to become your nightmare.

I watched the girls go at it for a few minutes, enjoying every second as they managed to pull off the rest of each others clothes. Singer couldn’t stop saying “I love your fucking tits” and “your pussy tastes so good” and instead of clapping my appreciation for the show I started fwapping my gratitude. Lani grabbed my cock and helped with a few tugs before she commanded Singer to put her sweet wet mouth on it, begging, encouraging, commanding her to “Suck my man’s dick while I watch”. Singer happily obliged and used her hand to jerk me off while she played with her tongue over and over the head of my dick. It was pure pleasure and my fun more than doubled when Lani came down to share.

At this point, I seriously wanted to fuck that hot blond, yes blond down there too, pussy so I made Lani straddle her face while I started fucking Singer. Her pussy was tight but really wet and my cock felt glorious as I took a turn on her, then pulled Lani back so I could enjoy fucking her too and make sure that I gave her all the attention she deserved.

I learned long ago that a successful threesome is mostly based on making your partner happiest. If you get too caught up in paying attention to the outsider then almost invariably the whole thing is going to go down in flames and no one is going to go to bed satisfied. So nothing was more important than letting Lani know that she had made her beau feel like a million bucks that he was going to charitably give completely and utterly back to her.

(to be cont.)