So one person told another person that told two more and now, somehow, your family found out you made an amateur porn titled “Two Cocks, One Gaping Asshole“. Parents are not speaking to you. Family is ashamed. Some friends are asking you where they can check it out while others others are asking you “what the fuck were you thinking?” but then going and trying to find a copy so they can watch it too.

So taking a tally of the situation you come up with the following pluses and minuses to deal with how divided you are about whether or not it was a good idea to do it in the first place.

On the plus side, yes, when you and your best friend and lover-for-life made it, well, that turned out to be some of the best sex you ever had, mind blowing, earth shattering, second coming, an orgasm to echo through all time by the magic of digital reproduction. Then, getting paid for it was awesome! The money meant everything at the time because rent money doesn’t grow on trees but  it does grow on nice hairy bushes. (Not having to shave the pussy for that month was also a perk, come to think of it). For one day filled with a few hours of fun and fucking, stuffing the buns with sausage, you made more than you would in an entire month stuffing buns with sausages at that Weinerschnitzel job. The free time meant you were able to spend more time with friends, although the ones that didn’t approve of the homemade sex tapes aren’t really talking to  you, but  they must not really be friends anyway. What is their problem anyway? C’mon, it’s just sex and none of us would be here if there weren’t any. What could be so bad about watching people have sex? Well, figuring out who the real friends are is actually another plus anyway.

Now… on the minus side…

1. You had to make amateur porn in order to pay for puppy chow to save starving Pomeranians in Spain.
2. The US Government asked you to perform in homemade sex videos as part of an effort to undermine terrorist influence in Pasaic, NJ.
3. Making amateur porn gave you a renewed sense of duty and purpose after losing your Pomeranian puppy while  in Spain as you were assisting the Basque Resistance before being deported to Pasaic.
4. An artist needs to be able to freely express his or herself and making an amateur porn inspired a dialectical introspection that invoked a subtext of erotic revolution and provoked dissociation from the metaphysical posturing of post-modernist nihilistic  propaganda.
5. You didn’t actually make an amateur porn. That was just someone that has been trying to get you back ever since you accidentally tripped him during a dodgeball game in 5th grade and he had plastic surgery done so he could look exactly like  you and frame you to look like you make some amateur porn videos.
6. Someone told you that you looked like a million bucks and suggested making an amateur home sex video to use as a ticket to help you collect your prize money.
7. How could you be in an amateur porn video if you actually got paid for it? Doesn’t that mean you were in a professional amateur porn video instead?
8. Demand proof and then ask whomever provides an example to explain what the hell he or she is doing watching porn in the first place.
9. Explain that it seemed to do wonders for Kim Kardashian and she has a really big huge ass so even if your ass is only half as big and even if you only did half as well as a result that it would still be great.
10. Because Homegrown Video has been paying for the best real homemade style amateur porn since 1982 and your turn finally came up!

So they went about making their homemade sex videos and thought nothing of it, certainly there wasn’t much of  a chance that anyone would actually see it. After all, they came from very conservative, as in Church going and Republican voting and immigrant hating, red-blooded American stock, the kind of people that, you know… don’t ever really watch porn but just complain about it tearing apart the very fabric of civilization as we know and love it.

On the other side of town, the side with the white picket fences and the well groomed weed free yards full of manicured shrubbery, speed bumps, and the signs that say “slow when children present”, her Grandma went to church. She grabbed her hymnal. She took her communion. She prayed on cue and did everything by the Good Book just like the good Pastor encouraged them all to do. And when the service ended, Grandma made her way outside to make pleasantries with the rest of the flock. Then she noticed the stares…

Was something wrong with her dress? Her hair? Why were they looking at her like that? Then her friend that she occasionally called upon to help with the yearly food drives came up to her. Grandma smiled but the smile wasn’t returned. “What’s the matter?” She wondered…

Her friend was nodding her head side to side with a tsk tsk, a scowl, a sneer, and a frown. “What’s the matter?” Grandma couldn’t figure it out.

“I hope you are not ok with your granddaughter being in those pornographic movies! I don’t think people that do that sort of thing really belong in this congregation.”

Of course, Grandma wasn’t prepared for that so she really had nothing to say otherwise she might have sought to discover the source for such an allegation. (Her friend’s son saw it on the internet but of course he would never admit that and preferred saying that he heard it from a friend who was into that sort of thing, not that he approved, since those kind of people that make those “amateur porn movies” are not the kind of people he would ever associate with… except in utter secrecy and in the privacy of his  home while watching them fuck online in an amateur sex video – HEY – why isn’t that the granddaughter of my mom’s church buddy!)

The first stage of shooting an amateur porn video is a long and winding road to actually making a homemade sex tape. “Do you want to do it?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Maybe…” “What if your mom sees me fucking you in the asshole then blasting a hot load of cum on your face?” “Good question.” “Maybe we should think about it some more…” “Yes, for sure, but it still could be fun…”

All that negotiation what to do, and excitement about what risks there are doing it, and planning for where to do it build a great deal of anticipation and enthusiasm. Then you make your first amateur sex video, it is a blast, but then you look at it afterwards and go, “well I wish we had done this or that better.” That is the end of stage one.

Stage two is making your next sex tape. Now you have an idea what shots you missed. You have a clue about where to put the camera to make it easier. And, of course, you are horny as hell because you know that sex on video is not run of the mill Saturday night and a six pack style sex, it is wild show off your freaky side sex because you know it is a chance to channel your inner porn star funky get down and boogie hardcore fucking sex type sex. Now when you review the hot fucking action that is a mindblowingly wild over the top and run through the jungle of crazy carnality video ode to the wonders of fantastic sex, you think, “We look good. We look really good. I think we could make some money doing this because people would definitely get off watching this!” Then you proceed to stage three…

Stage three is when you start contacting companies like Homegrown Video and seeing if they will buy your amateur porn footage. You show it off probably for the first time to someone besides yourselves. Now you are nervous. Will it make the grade and be the million seller blockbuster cockbuster that you knew it could be. Or will the cat walking across the bed when you were painting her face with cum be a distraction from the intimacy and dramatic  intrigue of the moment?

So you break through to stage four, here you begin to hone your production skills, your business sense, and you branch out to find more places to sell your amateur sex videos, and the prices go up, and the sexual boundaries are expanded. Maybe new fellow sex fiends are found to participate, or maybe you try sex acts like anal out to give the videos extra bang, bang, fuck, fuck. Now you are banging out scenes like crazy, but one problem, now it is a job and everyone knows that jobs have some good days and some bad days but at the end of any of those days one might echo that bumper sticker sentiment, “A bad day of golf, fishing, bowling, whatever is better than a good day of work”. Unfortunately now you are in for a penny, in for a pounding, and you have to go on but some of the fun is gone because now it is just another hard day at the orifice. Welcome to being a porn professional! Now go out and get the job done! There are horny people out there that need to jerk off…

1. Tongue push ups. This is great for improving endurance and stamina during excessively long blow jobs, the kind of dick sucking marathon that really says “I love you” or “This must be steak and blowjob day”. Recline in such a way that you are able to balance a frozen banana on the tip of your tongue while humming “row your boat”. Hold the position for 10 minutes total with 15 seconds rest each minute making sure to massage your jaw during rest cycles

2. Anal Pilates. Lubricate your asshole generously then sit on a bottle of coca cola until you feel the stretch. Clench for thirty seconds while holding your breath then expel your breath from the diaphragm. Be careful not to inhale abruptly which may result in having to explain to ER why you have a coke bottle up your ass.

3. Ball Busters. Heavy duty hardcore fucking requires great stamina, concentration, and a measure of gonad patience to prevent prematurely busting a nut. Watch one hour of Homegrown Video amateur porn and masturbate but stop every time you approach orgasm until your balls are blue. Make sure to take at least two days of rest after each ball busting work out or risk serious injury. Consult with a doctor to make sure you are fit enough for this exercise.

4. Dick sprints. Some people have the opposite condition from Premature Ejaculation, namely, they cannot cum even after prolonged fucking and sucking. This can result in partners becoming possibly bored and potentially frustrated which is not conducive to mutual pleasure. For this we recommend dick sprints. Masturbate to Homegrown Video amateur homemade sex videos only start them five seconds before the cumshot and finish jerking off at the same time as the video sex scene.

5. Breaststroke. Not the swimming stroke but actually stroking the breasts. This is best performed with a partner to assist. No. Seriously. I mean it. He gets… I mean You Get a lot more out of it in the long run.

6. Cumshot shooter practice. This is a great exercise for developing your aim and is very meditative and good for your hardcore sexual encounters that result in facial cumshots. Many times, you absolutely do not want to come in your partners eye especially if you have repeatedly promised not to. Getting good aim when you are wildly busting your nut on someone’s face involves an inner concentration and zen-like state to transcend the “I don’t care where I spurt” lack of concern that sometimes prevails in weaker willed individuals.

7. Pussy Shadow Boxing. Using a dildo, penetrate your cunt and quickly punch, jab, and poke at your pussy while rolling your hips to dodge, lunge, and shift your position favorably, make sure to massage your clit if necessary to fight off fatigue.

8. Cock pull ups. Firmly grab your dick and pull up and push down on it until you ejaculate. Be careful to apply lubrication in order to avoid painful callouses.

9. Jumping Jack-offs. Jump up and down while masturbating to get a nice aerobic exercise that will also work out your sex organs.

10. Homegrown Video Marathon. Make a Homegrown Video amateur sex video and record at least four straight hours of sexual activity.

In 1982, Homegrown Video became the first company to distribute homemade sex videos and changed the entire landscape of adult videos forever. Before Youtube made everyone a producer, director, and star of their own movies just as Steven Spielberg once predicted the access to video cameras would change the world of movie-making, Homegrown Video put the power of being a porn star in the hands, and private parts, of the masses. The effort was grassroots, and like grass, when it caught fire it spread quickly to change the entire face of porn. Even professional high glamour companies, from Playboy to Vivid et. al., began to offer amateur stylized productions.

Homegrown paved the way for “gonzo” and “reality” porn, offspring of amateur porn. It laid the foundation for celebrity sex tapes, from Tanya Harding through Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Homegrown Video made making a homemade sex video fun and more importantly – normal – and even sort of acceptable in a mischievously naughty sort of way. If your next door neighbor might be doing it, then people didn’t have to feel so weird about themselves enjoying this form of entertainment. In this way, Homegrown Video helped bring porn out of the shadows in San Fernando valley, and into the bright light of mainstream consciousness.

Homegrown Video did not stop shaping the landscape there either and continued to innovate by digging down into what customers really wanted, then building mountains of content to satisfy them specifically. Focusing on niche themed fare in the days before the internet became a what it is today, Homegrown launched series like “CreamPie Club” and “Natural Bush” that addressed exactly what customers were looking for in their porn and catered to niches that had previously been completely neglected. As one fan once wrote, “Now I don’t have to keep watching movies shot in 1970 if I want to see hairy pussies”.

Just as Apple’s i-Tunes changed the way people listen to music, Homegrown Video changed the way people look at porn. Not only that, it changed the way people look in porn. Eric Schlosser, the author of “Fast Food Nation”, says in his book “Reefer Madness” that “Made by the people, for the people, Homegrown Video represents the democracy of porn”. Today, the face of porn is no longer necessarily a blond busty beauty with big fake boobs; it might be a housewife in Ohio, or a privileged socialite, a big beautiful woman or a skinny young co-ed with a very hairy pussy, thanks to Homegrown Video’s impact on the world of porn.

Nice couch... I mean ass!

Sex on a brown couch

you couldn’t give it away

not with that cum stain…

"But this is my 'O' face..."

When you have been so deeply immersed in the wild and wacky world of amateur porn as long as I have,  you learn a few things, actually, you learn a lot of things – in fact, probably something new every day about not just the way that people make homemade sex videos but  about so much more. You learn about mores, and trends, and fascinations, naked truths and personalities laid bare by circumstance and circumspect opinions, prejudices, fixations, proclivities, of private matters and public concerns. You learn a lot, including volumes of useless trivia you won’t even be able to use in a game of “Trivial Pursuits”.

You learn the exact day when amateur porn stopped being amateur.

The sky didn’t exactly fall. Fissures in the Earth did not suddenly open and whole cities cave into a great cataclysm. However, sadly enough, and perhaps just as catastrophic, a bit of fun did escape out to dissipate in the atmosphere and disappear from the planet forever. On August 12, 1984, at exactly 3:00 pm, Martha and Timothy Appleton decided to produce a homemade sex video for no other reason than they were trying to make enough money to replace the ottoman in the living room; the cat had so mercilessly used the original one as a scratch pad.

1.       Amateur porn avoids trying to turn you on with music you wouldn’t even want to hear on an elevator

2.       In amateur porn when people have sex on an elevator it really could be the same place you stayed last summer on vacation

3.       Amateur porn does not require non actors to pretend like the know how to act in order to have hot fucking sex

4.       Pro porn makes the viewer think that sex is boring but watching amateur porn is a fine way to relieve boredom

5.       Amateur porn performers look just as good at the end of the sex as they did at the beginning while pro performers tend to lose their looks by the time the makeup has been fucked off.

6.       Amateur porn offers hope and salvation for those of us that fantasize about having hot sex while pro porn sets an expectation of sex that will only tend to get you slapped in the face if you try it at home

7.       Amateur porn doesn’t try to convince you that fake orgasms are actually better than real ones

8.       Pro porn for some inexplicable reason always tends to cut away just when the action is getting good and leaves you with a feeling of masturbatory vertigo

9.        Amateur porn tends to linger on the stuff you like to see which makes it ok even if the cat walks across the screen in the middle of the action

10.   Homegrown Video is the longest running series in the history of porn so amateur sex videos must have something special about them!

Amateur porn is a big black cat, with soft fur, walking across a bed where two people, maybe more, happen to be fucking.

Amateur porn is a mom who giggles as she masturbates while the hubby focuses the camera while trying to stroke his cock and stoke her ego at the same time.

Amateur porn is a lifestyle, open, swinging, swapping, or whatever term fits depending on which decade you discovered sex existed outside the confines of marriage.

Amateur porn is a record of how good you were when you were turned on so much that you didn’t care that you were being recorded.

Amateur porn is Saturday night and a six pack and a video camera with enough juice in the batteries to keep the party going.

Amateur porn can be amateur even though you make money like a pro.

Amateur porn is a couple of college kids that have learned enough to know that great sex can be calculated, converted, and coalesced into good beer money.

Amateur porn is a stripper that had a rough week and needs to pay the bills.

Amateur porn is a message at the end of a Homegrown Video that says “you can earn up to $20 per minute when you send us your homemade sex videos”