1. When the suitcase pimp gets too tired to hold the suitcase and needs a helping hand, porn talent scouts can make a call and see if someone is available that can help but you better be prepared to… ahem… show some appreciation

2. If the director doesn’t want to pay you when you balk about the price after finding out that you are expected to do an anal gang bang, then the porn agent can help you convince yourself that it won’t be so bad to get the exposure for being a wild slut willing to do anything even though now everyone will know that you are willing to do everything for almost nothing.

3. When your lingerie and shoes are stolen on the set by one of the other models on the agency roster then the porn agent can remind you how stupid you were to leave them out where someone could take them in the first place.

4. When your head begins to swell because you are getting jobs doing fuck scenes for all the top companies a porn agent is very handy at letting you know that other girls are probably better picks for the big contracts and bringing you down to earth.

5. Porn agents help you to decide that doing amateur porn for Homegrown Video wasn’t a good idea no matter how much fun you had and how much money you made because it makes it apparently makes it harder for you to be a porn star in pro porn.

The agent reminds you not to say anything about having made amateur porn videos for Homegrown Video. In fact, he makes you feel like it was a mistake. He also makes you feel like having a boyfriend is a mistake too.

“He may not be a suitcase pimp”, the Agent tells you, “but it doesn’t matter because that is how everyone is going to see him anyway and no one likes when suitcase pimps are on set.” He is a broken record and you already know what tune he is going to be playing next but of course you have to listen to it again anyway. “Producers don’t want to hire you if you only are going to do boy/girl scenes with him exclusively anyway.” The hardest part of hearing it again is that you already know that the bill on the cheapest hotel you could find in the Valley is coming due. The roaches don’t have to pay it but you have to pay for the roaches. Your man is getting depressed because the work has been getting tougher and tougher to find. Producers don’t want to hire him. Even though you said you would be ok with him doing fuck scenes with other starlets, none of the producers are interested in him.

“How do we know if he can perform?” The producers all have their studs that they like to work with and hire all the time. The idea of trying anyone knew means that they will all be standing around waiting. Waiting to see if he can get his dick hard. Waiting to see if he can cum on cue. Waiting for him to fail so they can say, “Sorry, I told you so.” Then they will suggest that you break up with him. “He is just holding you back.” That is when they are being obnoxiously polite. Other times it is more scathingly impolite. “You have to get rid of that suitcase pimp if you really want to make it in this business.” They tell you then add something along the lines of “I would hire you for a ton of shoots if you would work with my guys. You would like working with my guys. They know how to fuck like stars and will make you look good… unlike that limp dick motherfucker you call a boyfriend. That bitch can’t even keep his dick hard with a fist full of viagra.”

The mere suggestion of doing fuck scenes with other guys though just is not something that he is ok with. Oh yeah, it is fine for him to be with other chicks, and you can deal with that, but not ok with you to be with other guys. That is not ok.

But neither is it ok not having enough money to pay the hotel bill… so you can enjoy another week of cigarette smoke stained ceilings, brown and orange shag carpets with ominous swampy spots, and a tv that only seems to successfully carry channels that are in Spanish.

So it all comes down to making a choice. Do you take the job on the sneak and try to not let the boyfriend know or do you just tell him “fuck it, we have to pay the rent and do it no matter how pissed off he gets, or do you just pack the bags and use whatever money is left to try and make it home and forget the whole frigging thing and give up on being a porn star.

Only quitters quit. Liars lie. Porn stars fucking fuck.

He is just going to have to deal with it. But should you tell him before or after you do the scene? That is the question…

1. You will only get an 11 minute allotment of fame rather than the 15 minutes you were promised due to the glut of new models getting into porn
2. When the agent says you will be taking 10 inches today make sure that doesn’t mean ten midgets with one inch cocks in a gang bang
3. The fans are usually going to like your amateur porn better than your professional videos no matter how much time you spend in make up
4. If you break your ass in an anal sex scene then getting a replacement asshole is not really an option
5. Unless you can put your legs behind your head, sit and spin on a dick going up your ass, while ramming a dildo in your pussy and whistling Dixie with another cock in your mouth then you are going to find it very competitive
6. Becoming an escort really is not a career advancement opportunity no matter how they try and sell the idea
7. Your well being and worth will be measured in ratio to the amount of cash they are making off of you
8. Getting paid your “day rate” doesn’t mean much when you have to perform ten sex scenes in a single day – those days should be called your “Month rate” because you won’t want to have sex for a month after one of those days.
9. The agent will promise to make you a star but forgets to mention that in the wild and wacky world of porn that “stars” are oftentimes so explosively tempered as to go supernova and blow up so dense they become a black hole and end up pulling down and crushing an entire universe of friends and family.
10. You don’t need an agent to make money from your amateur porn with Homegrown Video!

The agencies that represent porn models are mostly in Los Angeles which of course makes sense since that is where most of the work is. You sent them your pictures and told them about making some amateur porn and selling it to Homegrown Video.

“Forget that” they tell you as they insinuate that doing amateur porn is for suckers and pump you up with the idea of what it means to be a porn star, the money, the fans, the travel, the more money. Should you worry about having already made some homemade sex videos? Those were fun to do but what if they hurt your shot at the big time? What if no one wants to hire you because now everyone sees you as just being “amateur”?

“Don’t worry about that.” The agent tells you. “Producers will hire you if you know how to take cock.” He says. There is a very pregnant silence, interrupted only by the sound of his zipper being pulled down. You boyfriend was told to wait outside while the interview was being conducted. You could walk out now. You could stay and suck the agents cock. How much did you spend on the trip to Los Angeles? How much is the hotel you are staying at until you get a place and the career gets going? You want to be a porn star; this must be the first test on the road to stardom. Is sucking a dick really sex? Why not? Probably all the other girls, whose pictures adorn every wall in the office, had to do the same thing. So why not.

You are a porn star. So you might as well show him what porn stars can do. A small smile tells the agent all he needs to know. He turns his chair to give you better access to his hard cock and you drop to your knees…

When the family found out you made a homemade sex tape and sent it to a company like Homegrown Video, sure, there was a lot of drama. But was it any worse than the time when you were caught sneaking out of the house at 15 to go get into that college frat party and got so drunk that that the ambulance had to take you to the hospital which is where you found out that some frat bastard roofied you and you were most likely gangbanged by the entire frat? (Lucky the ‘rents never found out about that part) Well, not really, at least now you are too old to be grounded and being out on your own and paying your own bills so who are they to say what you can or cannot do? So what really are the consequences going to be?

Well, forget about that bid for the presidency… Running the country doesn’t sound like fun anyway. And even being head of the PTA is so far off the radar right now because having kids soon is pretty much out of the question. There might be other negative aspects, but you can’t really think of any.

Time to focus on the career.

But being in amateur porn is never going to make you a star so time to start weighing the prospects. Have to go where the money is so Los Angeles, here you come!

Your boyfriend is ok with the idea as long  as you stick to the plan. The plan is this:

Girl on girl scenes only – unless the two of you can work together, in which case . No anal sex. No black guys. (your bf’s idea but you will go along with it to keep him happy but it isn’t like you really have a problem with it, in fact, the idea actually excites you but you aren’t about to tell you bf that because it would just freak him right the fuck out…).

You sure it was me?

not someone that looks like me?

in amateur porn?

1. You had to make amateur porn in order to pay for puppy chow to save starving Pomeranians in Spain.
2. The US Government asked you to perform in homemade sex videos as part of an effort to undermine terrorist influence in Pasaic, NJ.
3. Making amateur porn gave you a renewed sense of duty and purpose after losing your Pomeranian puppy while  in Spain as you were assisting the Basque Resistance before being deported to Pasaic.
4. An artist needs to be able to freely express his or herself and making an amateur porn inspired a dialectical introspection that invoked a subtext of erotic revolution and provoked dissociation from the metaphysical posturing of post-modernist nihilistic  propaganda.
5. You didn’t actually make an amateur porn. That was just someone that has been trying to get you back ever since you accidentally tripped him during a dodgeball game in 5th grade and he had plastic surgery done so he could look exactly like  you and frame you to look like you make some amateur porn videos.
6. Someone told you that you looked like a million bucks and suggested making an amateur home sex video to use as a ticket to help you collect your prize money.
7. How could you be in an amateur porn video if you actually got paid for it? Doesn’t that mean you were in a professional amateur porn video instead?
8. Demand proof and then ask whomever provides an example to explain what the hell he or she is doing watching porn in the first place.
9. Explain that it seemed to do wonders for Kim Kardashian and she has a really big huge ass so even if your ass is only half as big and even if you only did half as well as a result that it would still be great.
10. Because Homegrown Video has been paying for the best real homemade style amateur porn since 1982 and your turn finally came up!

So they went about making their homemade sex videos and thought nothing of it, certainly there wasn’t much of  a chance that anyone would actually see it. After all, they came from very conservative, as in Church going and Republican voting and immigrant hating, red-blooded American stock, the kind of people that, you know… don’t ever really watch porn but just complain about it tearing apart the very fabric of civilization as we know and love it.

On the other side of town, the side with the white picket fences and the well groomed weed free yards full of manicured shrubbery, speed bumps, and the signs that say “slow when children present”, her Grandma went to church. She grabbed her hymnal. She took her communion. She prayed on cue and did everything by the Good Book just like the good Pastor encouraged them all to do. And when the service ended, Grandma made her way outside to make pleasantries with the rest of the flock. Then she noticed the stares…

Was something wrong with her dress? Her hair? Why were they looking at her like that? Then her friend that she occasionally called upon to help with the yearly food drives came up to her. Grandma smiled but the smile wasn’t returned. “What’s the matter?” She wondered…

Her friend was nodding her head side to side with a tsk tsk, a scowl, a sneer, and a frown. “What’s the matter?” Grandma couldn’t figure it out.

“I hope you are not ok with your granddaughter being in those pornographic movies! I don’t think people that do that sort of thing really belong in this congregation.”

Of course, Grandma wasn’t prepared for that so she really had nothing to say otherwise she might have sought to discover the source for such an allegation. (Her friend’s son saw it on the internet but of course he would never admit that and preferred saying that he heard it from a friend who was into that sort of thing, not that he approved, since those kind of people that make those “amateur porn movies” are not the kind of people he would ever associate with… except in utter secrecy and in the privacy of his  home while watching them fuck online in an amateur sex video – HEY – why isn’t that the granddaughter of my mom’s church buddy!)

The next time will be different. After all, one should always learn from their mistakes… Even if that means learning to make new mistakes.

Here is where we find our super-earnest sexually eager couple trying to make some homemade sex tapes; the first try was fun. A blast. A facial cum shot shy of being perfect. It was a ripe wet tomato on the vine of good ol’ fashioned free spirited sex play but plucked a moment too soon only to miss the staple fruit of porn‘s cornucopia, the money shot.

It happens.

You got so caught up the moment. He pulled out of your wet mouth, your pouting lips were puffy from such a long blow job that your jaw damn near locked in a cramp that would have meant being on a liquid diet sucked through a straw for a month or two. You rubbed his hard cock and tickled his balls until he blasted forth a load of hot cum with such force that your hair blew back and your cheeks rippled. Lucky you didn’t get it in the eyeball otherwise you would be running around with an eye patch like a pirate aboard the good ship “Woes of the Ho’s” singing shanties like “Pull the dick about lubber” and “Heave the boobs ashore”

So back to the board, in this case, the bed board. Trying to get it right is half the fun. Should the camera go here to see how you suck my cock? If you hold the camera and lean back then you can get a great closeup of your dick while you’re fucking me. Put it on the tripod for a while so we can just get wild! Practice, practice, practice. And the effort is paying off, already you can now play back the footage and watch it for the sheer horny pleasure of it all. (hell yes, people could jack off to us!) You don’t feel so critical of where the action is in the frame, or how good the lighting is, or how the make up holds up when the ass fucking starts to get sweaty. This is looking good!

No.

This is looking great! The best amateur porn ever shot on the face of the Earth, this is the ticket to a future of fun and frolic and a million days of orgasmic bliss in the great comfort of well paid financial stability and it has just been stamped “one-way” to a stop called “Success”. Now the locomotive of lust is in motion, pulling a heavy freight of burden best weighed well in advance of leaving the station. What if the video is bought up and published… to dvd… well there are tons of dvds out there… to internet… more porn sites than even imaginable, an ever expanding universe of choices… to television and cable… millions of homes but who watches porn on tv these days? So how could anyone possibly see it? Like our family – no way in hell that Grandma is ever going to find out about this. She can barely even send and email so how can she ever find out? Dad, well he still thinks Playboy is porn so why would he see it on TV? No.The only people that stand a chance of seeing your amateur porn movie are people that are into watching amateur porn. Kindred spirits. And they are not going to have a problem with it…

The first effort at making a sexy homemade sex tape goes something like this:

There is a rush of excitement; even figuring out where and how to set up the camera feels like foreplay. Looking through the view finder they see themselves, detached yet absorbed; standing and looking through the camera makes them voyeurs as they watch themselves acting in ways that brings out something completely different, unleashed hidden desires previously restrained, making them strangers to themselves. The friction of cool anticipation rubbing against hot desire gives the moment a spark of mischief and ignites passions normally cached deep within the imagination, behind the senses, and in the sensual and carnal place where the libido sits like a cat with a tail twitching. The camera is a faceless and passive observer, capturing a moment of private lust, perfect sexuality, sex for the sake of sex, horny, fucking freestyle fucking for the sake of fuckity-fuck-fucking.  They become someone else, something else, the way putting on a mask at Halloween permits a secret side to cavort publicly, showing off for the nameless and faceless folks they imagine will soon be watching their homemade sex video.

Producing. Directing. Starring in their own amateur fuck film, the moment takes them to a place where they can act out fantasies and make them reality. She never wanted a shower of cum in her face before. Now she begs for it like a superstar, a diva with precious demands for a sparkling pearl necklace of shiny hot cum, Gloria Swanson telling Cecil B DeMille she is ready for her close up. She wants him to pull his hard cock out of her wet mouth. She wants to grab his dick and jack it off to catch it all… so the camera can catch it all.

But one hitch.

When they replay the action back to see what happened they realize that the camera didn’t move. Sitting on the tripod like crutches, the camera couldn’t follow the action when they bounced off the ceiling and fell off the bed as the flames of passion sent them running and screwing each other from one end of the bedroom to the other. Too bad, that would have been some amazing action to capture. How is a company like Homegrown going to pay money if there is no money shot?

Oh well. No harm trying again. In fact, they are looking forward to it.