Think about the cultural ramming-her-fications of such a space. For once and for all, the wild and wooly, down and dirty, hot and heavy social importance of the porn industry would be firmly and resolutely established. Forever more, the wankers and the spankers would have a place that exalted the objects of their desire in a way that did justice to all their perverse pleasures in a safe, clean, and well stocked with tissues environment.

Almost forgot. There needs to be a wing devoted to biblical sex where all the great begetting and loin springing tales can be brought to life with startling realism and exacting attention to detail. All that Sodom and Gomorrah and Samson and Delia and even that New Testament foot fetish stuff would have to be included. That way tickets could even be sold to the groups of bible thumping protesters that would otherwise be milling about outside could be brought in and charged admission. Everyone knows they are the kinkiest freaks too though so special care would need to be given to making sure that they didn’t freak out the rest of the patrons. Perhaps special flogging utensils need to be provided for the severely penitent and unworthy.

Which also reminds me that the cafeteria better have a catchy name, like “Snatch Bar”.

Then I would I would flip everyone the bird just like Johnny would.

Not really. But I would have to consider the possibility.

I would consider it. Then I would fight those impulses until I was literally sweating. Hopefully I would be far enough away from the audience that they would not be able to see how uselessly bad the perspiration flowed like a field sprinkler in a spring rain. Of course, that would be the dream because the reality is that the cameras would be in tight on a close up capturing every drip drop drip that ran from the tip of my nose or down the edge of my jaw to wet my tuxedo, eventually drying out later in the night to leave a nice yellow stain on my shirt collar. At least the time I took to overcome these issues and actually begin talking would deliver a sweet pregnant pause that would lend an air of authority and gravity to the moment. I would look around with a bit of confusion mixed with amazement and a touch of fear, much like a newborn before the spank that would make it wail and gulp for air in order to wail some more.

Then the audience would lean in a bit closer and move to the edges of their seats.  Just when they were about to fall off, or probably more appropriately fall asleep, or fall back to the security of the bars set up like bunkers at the back of the venue, then I would lean back into the microphone to begin speaking. Before a single word came out though I would experience something akin to a near death experience where one’s life flashes before their eyes, only it would be filtered out of everything not having to do with my time in the porn biz. It would play like a movie across my eyeballs, “The good, the bad, and the fugly”.

10. Watching amateur porn increases penis size safely and effectively

9. Amateur porn is known to decrease aggression in tests with bonobo monkeys and bottlenose dolphins

8. Amateur porn promotes a sense of well being by reducing the sort of intimidation which may result by watching regular porn

7. Amateur porn does not use “canned music” which is known to cause “elevator syndrome” which can make a person feel sick like they are going up and down on an elevator on which there is no exit

6. Amateur porn avoids frightening depictions of Ron Jeremy engaged in debaucheries

5. There is proof in amateur porn that real orgasms are indeed possible in adult entertainment

4. If Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton made amateur porn then it must be cool

3. Keeping the right to watch amateur porn in the privacy of one’s home can help one choose whom to vote for in an election year.

2. Watching amateur porn is like enjoying raw cookie dough; it is raw and sweet and ready to consume right out of the package

1. Because Homegrown Video is the longest running series in the history of porn there must be something entertaining about amateur porn!