1. At Homegrown Video we work tirelessly to improve our lot in life and strive to deliver fantastic amateur porn to the masses for their enjoyment; our livelihood depends on their satisfaction!

2. Homegrown Video has never won an Xbiz award and at this point we have certainly earned our right to one as much as any one else

3. Homegrown Video is still the original amateur porn company so maybe some sort of lifetime achievement award is in order… nudge, nudge, wink, wink

4. Homegrown Video makes it possible for everyone to get their 15 minutes of fame by engaging in amateur sex videos

5. Homegrown Video has won AEBN viewers choice awards, AVN awards for best series and best amateur video, but has never even been nominated for an Xbiz award… what’s up with that?

6. Homegrown Video prides itself on enthusiastic customer service and fair trade in an industry that bears a stigma of many negative stereotypes so certainly there must be one place on this planet where the good guys can finish first for once…

7. Homegrown Video is to amateur porn as Kleenex is to tissue.

8. Homegrown Video catered to amateur niches like hairy bush and mature before anyone even considered that viewers might actually really enjoy seeing something besides just another big fake titty porn bimbo from Los Angeles’ porn valley going through the motions one more time.

9. For years, Homegrown Video has been the launch pad for amateurs to get into pro porn where they can become big fake titty bimbos and go through the motions in porn valley porn productions.

10. Homegrown Video deserves a Xbiz Award just because we need another reason to get out and party with our peers at an adult industry event!

“Where did you get that picture of me to work with?” Stephanie Swift asked me the question and I tried to come up with at least one of the excuses that I had been anxiously rehearsing in preparation for this moment. Unfortunately, everything that I thought I might say sort of twisted into a heap of umms and ahhhs when it tried to pass from my brain to my tongue and all I could say was, “Well, that is a great question.”

I thought about the artist, Mark. He was an amazing talent with a couple of crates of spray paint and a nozzle collection suited to conveying every nuance a brush stroke might be capable of rendering. He could get detail and texture and lines out of a can of spray paint, stunningly classic neo realism, a regular DaVinci of the pressurized paints. Everyone who knew his work which was in graffiti murals on buildings all over the world told me that I was lucky to get him to paint our trade show booth. They couldn’t believe he was actually doing a piece for, shame, shame, shame, an amateur porn company.

I remember trying to talk to him when he had been working, one part painting, another part smoking, another drinking beer, in the dense noxious fumes of his studio. He was sort of unintelligible. He peered from heavily lidded eyes that occasionally would widen. He seemed to look around at things that were only visible to him and everyone who has recently eaten a bucket of peyote washed down with a keg of suds. Whatever was there didn’t seem to readily present any danger to me but I couldn’t be certain. Who could know what type of demon might suddenly possess the guy and control his behavior, suddenly turning him into a slobbering, seething, raving mad Englishman.  I certainly didn’t feel lucky trying to get him to finish the painting by our deadline. Homegrown Video could definitely not show up at the biggest trade event of the year with a half painted booth. Unfortunately, all our conversations seemed sort of one sided since apparently so many years of using spray paint altered his brain to the point where conversation required an advanced degree of obscure dialects in the language of mumbling.

“Why did you paint Stephanie Swift?”

“Mmrrmwu? I wasn owngone erm doan  painsteswift.” It sounded sort of Gaelic but I thought he was saying that he didn’t know who Stephanie Swift was. No way to be sure which meant I had to be careful responding. I decided it was best to just talk as if I hadn’t actually completely finished what I had to say before.

“She is that porn star that was working with us but now isn’t and… How can you not know who she is when you painted her picture right there? She is not going to be in our booth at the show; she is going to be working for our competition… and we are going to look pretty frigging funny promoting her when she is not even going to be at our booth.”

“SurreyMeht.” Mark answered, and continued. “I cuddoerm mek… mumble, slur, babble…pay me more.”

That last part made too much sense.

Think about the cultural ramming-her-fications of such a space. For once and for all, the wild and wooly, down and dirty, hot and heavy social importance of the porn industry would be firmly and resolutely established. Forever more, the wankers and the spankers would have a place that exalted the objects of their desire in a way that did justice to all their perverse pleasures in a safe, clean, and well stocked with tissues environment.

Almost forgot. There needs to be a wing devoted to biblical sex where all the great begetting and loin springing tales can be brought to life with startling realism and exacting attention to detail. All that Sodom and Gomorrah and Samson and Delia and even that New Testament foot fetish stuff would have to be included. That way tickets could even be sold to the groups of bible thumping protesters that would otherwise be milling about outside could be brought in and charged admission. Everyone knows they are the kinkiest freaks too though so special care would need to be given to making sure that they didn’t freak out the rest of the patrons. Perhaps special flogging utensils need to be provided for the severely penitent and unworthy.

Which also reminds me that the cafeteria better have a catchy name, like “Snatch Bar”.

10. Watching amateur porn increases penis size safely and effectively

9. Amateur porn is known to decrease aggression in tests with bonobo monkeys and bottlenose dolphins

8. Amateur porn promotes a sense of well being by reducing the sort of intimidation which may result by watching regular porn

7. Amateur porn does not use “canned music” which is known to cause “elevator syndrome” which can make a person feel sick like they are going up and down on an elevator on which there is no exit

6. Amateur porn avoids frightening depictions of Ron Jeremy engaged in debaucheries

5. There is proof in amateur porn that real orgasms are indeed possible in adult entertainment

4. If Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton made amateur porn then it must be cool

3. Keeping the right to watch amateur porn in the privacy of one’s home can help one choose whom to vote for in an election year.

2. Watching amateur porn is like enjoying raw cookie dough; it is raw and sweet and ready to consume right out of the package

1. Because Homegrown Video is the longest running series in the history of porn there must be something entertaining about amateur porn!