Unfortunately, unlike in the good old days when inductees to the porn hall of fame were allowed to make acceptance speeches to an audience of mostly peers most of whom were in a semi-conscious state somewhere between drunkenness an lethargy, nowadays the names are simply perfunctorily read off and congratulated en masse. I am told a brief montage will flash across the huge screen hung behind the podium, and supposedly I will get a short interview on the “red carpet” as I enter the venue where I can hopefully snap off a choice sound bite or two which might even end up on the Showtime televised recording of the event. However, nothing is quite like those classic speeches from yesteryear when starlets grown long in the tooth and loose in the pussy and with their wrecked rectums flapping loosely in the breeze of the Las Vegas air conditioners would stand defiantly in their stripper heels and neon green spandex and tell the whole industry, no, the whole world, how they really felt.

 Those moments were priceless, even better than the weepy starlets that would tearfully thank God and their parents for making it possible to win “Best Anal Creampie Gang Bang” or some other equally depraved distinction. I could easily sit through a few hours of award nominations for categories than nobody but one or two people in the entire room cares about like “Best Typeface on a Box Cover for a Tranny Video” or something along those lines. I would often pass those long hours amusing myself doing random things like dropping acid with Trey Parker and pretending that every single award was destined to be mine, until the actual winner would be named and I would have to saunter back to our table to sulk until something that Homegrown was actually up for won or lost. So despite the fact that those days are gone forever, and more crazy awards that nobody will pay attention to have been added, killing the time that could have been spent on me making a great drunken ramble of a speech, I am going to set my Hall of Fame acceptance speech here and let the world know that if I could’ve I would’ve…

(to be continued)

future avn hall of fame award winner

1.       I cleaned up my own condoms after anal sex shoots

2.       Max Hardcore used to call me “the Pussycat” because I was polite to models that I was scheduled to ass fuck like a rabid monkey

3.       I was not just a Homegrown Video fan, but also a submitter, and even cleaned the employee bathroom for a couple years after we first purchased the company

4.       I made my porn name “Tim Lake” just so that all the people I went to high school with would know it was me

5.       Ron Jeremy knows me even though he didn’t thank me in his book for getting him involved in “Orgazmo”

6.       In porn, kissing ass is just a requirement of the workplace and if you had to tongue as many buttholes as I did then you deserve something… besides stink breath

7.       I am one of the performers that had to be able to get it up on camera before the chemistry of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra made performing on queue as easy as buttering bread

8.       I have been practicing my drunken acceptance speech for the last 15 years

9.       I have had the honor and privilege of making porn with Carrie Fisher of Star Wars fame

10.   I was smart enough to know that buying the original amateur porn series way back when was a great deal and would lead to an interesting life there ever after

Back in the glory days of porn in the Valley, the late eighties and early nineties, I worked for Max Hardcore. He would hire me for certain occasions; he called me the “Pussy Cat” and I would be brought in for special assignments with brand new talent that was not rough and ready, wise and wizened to the ways of porn. I was supposed to give them the kind of soft, purring, cuddly introduction to fucking on video that would get them over any lingering inhibitions and bring them fully into the hardcore world of video carnality. Obviously, I loved my work and looked mostly forward to these days. But nothing quite prepared me for Tammi Ann.

Tammi Ann was brand spanking new and with her blond hair and blue eyes radiating more innocence than a Disney cartoon heroine. Max grilled her with the usual barrage of questions. How much have you done? What did you do? Who did you work with? And so on, until he came to the question of anal sex… Tammi Ann answered emphatically, “No, I don’t do anal. No way I don’t like anal sex. No way, I’m not doing anal. You can’t pay me enough to get fucked in the ass”.

Now many producers in the same position would look like something just got jammed up his ass and would begin to stutter into trying to beg the model to give her butt up for anal plundering. Max is not one of those kind of producers. He didn’t hesitate.  “How about D.P? Would you be willing to do D.P?”

Tammi Ann looked at me and smiled and I smiled back. This was a positive first step to our eventual union in front of the camera turned on to capture us in all our fucking glory gloriously fucking for all to see. I waited for her to answer since she actually seemed to be giving the question some very reasonable consideration.

“Sure I will do D.P” Tammi Ann said finally happy as ever at having resolved to answer the question. Paul and I looked at each other a bit surprised and happy the answer went so positively.

We looked back at Tammi Ann who promptly asked “D.P? What’s D.P?”

During the scene, a dildo magically appeared. I put my cock in Tammi Ann’s ass then I put the dildo in her pussy. Gentle, considerate. Until we got going, then we were all hissing and moaning. A pair of pussy cats whining in an alley.

Tammi Ann went on to become the “Queen of Anal” and win an AVN award for “Most Depraved Sex Scene”.