There was once a porn agent from LA

who said you’d only get work if you did A

so you could sit on your butt or get fucked in it

which of course really sucked if it only paid shit

but either way he gets his cut off your butt on pay day

The last straw wasn’t when the boyfriend found out that you did the boy/girl fuck scenes without telling him. He got over that as quick as the next week’s hotel bill being due. The last straw wasn’t even when he drunkenly got pissed off and mean as a fucking snake with a nail through its tail either; he took the swing at you that left a bruise but that wasn’t the last straw either, even when you had to make an excuse for the mark. Saying that it happened on a fetish shoot yesterday got the director off your back even though he grumbled about having to deal with extra time in make-up to hide it and time is money. You could even forgive him for smoking the last bit of weed or doing the last line of that crystal that burned like a motherfucker.

Nope, all that was bad but the problem came down to the fact that you were doing all the work. He did jack shit because after a while the pick your dick up meds stops working no matter how many you pop. When the guy can’t get his dick hard and can’t get any real work and is just jerking off for $50 bucks  a pop in a gang bang that just wasn’t going to pay the bills, buy the drugs, or even purchase a ticket to get the bus home. At this point, it wouldn’t be so much breaking up as it would be firing his lazy ass and kicking him to the curb so you could make some real cash without him holding you back.

At this point you would be willing to do more anal scenes, as long as the money is good, and there are a few directors out there that said to let them know when you were willing to take some cock – besides the dick of that dickhead ex-boyfriend that couldn’t get his dick hard – up your asshole. Once those options ran dry then a change of hair color and a new stage name would be the way to go. Rebooting the career might be just the thing to do under the circumstances.

The first effort at making a sexy homemade sex tape goes something like this:

There is a rush of excitement; even figuring out where and how to set up the camera feels like foreplay. Looking through the view finder they see themselves, detached yet absorbed; standing and looking through the camera makes them voyeurs as they watch themselves acting in ways that brings out something completely different, unleashed hidden desires previously restrained, making them strangers to themselves. The friction of cool anticipation rubbing against hot desire gives the moment a spark of mischief and ignites passions normally cached deep within the imagination, behind the senses, and in the sensual and carnal place where the libido sits like a cat with a tail twitching. The camera is a faceless and passive observer, capturing a moment of private lust, perfect sexuality, sex for the sake of sex, horny, fucking freestyle fucking for the sake of fuckity-fuck-fucking.  They become someone else, something else, the way putting on a mask at Halloween permits a secret side to cavort publicly, showing off for the nameless and faceless folks they imagine will soon be watching their homemade sex video.

Producing. Directing. Starring in their own amateur fuck film, the moment takes them to a place where they can act out fantasies and make them reality. She never wanted a shower of cum in her face before. Now she begs for it like a superstar, a diva with precious demands for a sparkling pearl necklace of shiny hot cum, Gloria Swanson telling Cecil B DeMille she is ready for her close up. She wants him to pull his hard cock out of her wet mouth. She wants to grab his dick and jack it off to catch it all… so the camera can catch it all.

But one hitch.

When they replay the action back to see what happened they realize that the camera didn’t move. Sitting on the tripod like crutches, the camera couldn’t follow the action when they bounced off the ceiling and fell off the bed as the flames of passion sent them running and screwing each other from one end of the bedroom to the other. Too bad, that would have been some amazing action to capture. How is a company like Homegrown going to pay money if there is no money shot?

Oh well. No harm trying again. In fact, they are looking forward to it.

1. Tongue push ups. This is great for improving endurance and stamina during excessively long blow jobs, the kind of dick sucking marathon that really says “I love you” or “This must be steak and blowjob day”. Recline in such a way that you are able to balance a frozen banana on the tip of your tongue while humming “row your boat”. Hold the position for 10 minutes total with 15 seconds rest each minute making sure to massage your jaw during rest cycles

2. Anal Pilates. Lubricate your asshole generously then sit on a bottle of coca cola until you feel the stretch. Clench for thirty seconds while holding your breath then expel your breath from the diaphragm. Be careful not to inhale abruptly which may result in having to explain to ER why you have a coke bottle up your ass.

3. Ball Busters. Heavy duty hardcore fucking requires great stamina, concentration, and a measure of gonad patience to prevent prematurely busting a nut. Watch one hour of Homegrown Video amateur porn and masturbate but stop every time you approach orgasm until your balls are blue. Make sure to take at least two days of rest after each ball busting work out or risk serious injury. Consult with a doctor to make sure you are fit enough for this exercise.

4. Dick sprints. Some people have the opposite condition from Premature Ejaculation, namely, they cannot cum even after prolonged fucking and sucking. This can result in partners becoming possibly bored and potentially frustrated which is not conducive to mutual pleasure. For this we recommend dick sprints. Masturbate to Homegrown Video amateur homemade sex videos only start them five seconds before the cumshot and finish jerking off at the same time as the video sex scene.

5. Breaststroke. Not the swimming stroke but actually stroking the breasts. This is best performed with a partner to assist. No. Seriously. I mean it. He gets… I mean You Get a lot more out of it in the long run.

6. Cumshot shooter practice. This is a great exercise for developing your aim and is very meditative and good for your hardcore sexual encounters that result in facial cumshots. Many times, you absolutely do not want to come in your partners eye especially if you have repeatedly promised not to. Getting good aim when you are wildly busting your nut on someone’s face involves an inner concentration and zen-like state to transcend the “I don’t care where I spurt” lack of concern that sometimes prevails in weaker willed individuals.

7. Pussy Shadow Boxing. Using a dildo, penetrate your cunt and quickly punch, jab, and poke at your pussy while rolling your hips to dodge, lunge, and shift your position favorably, make sure to massage your clit if necessary to fight off fatigue.

8. Cock pull ups. Firmly grab your dick and pull up and push down on it until you ejaculate. Be careful to apply lubrication in order to avoid painful callouses.

9. Jumping Jack-offs. Jump up and down while masturbating to get a nice aerobic exercise that will also work out your sex organs.

10. Homegrown Video Marathon. Make a Homegrown Video amateur sex video and record at least four straight hours of sexual activity.

1. Snorkeling… a woman positions a snorkel in her pussy and queefs into it as the recipient on the other end breaths it in.
2. Goat – a man grows a goatee and wears a pair of short horns and pretends to be a goat using his facial hair as a tickling utensil upon the asshole before he mounts from behind, mostly associated with devil worshipping Satanic cults
3. Twiddle pee pee – a pair of lovers dresses to look exactly the same as each other and then rip each others clothes off and ass fuck like they just invented porn until their assholes feel busted then finish things off by urinating on one another. Note, there is a variation on this in gay male community called “Sambo” where two Caucasians don blackface and compliment each other by  ”jive talking” on their respective penis size before engaging in sex.
4. Lint brushing – Licking the lint from belly buttons and in the extreme… the toilet paper balls off the butthole
5. Homegroaning – You make an amateur porn video for Homegrown and get paid for it then become obsessed with making more!

I opened the door to Ing’s and bathroom nonchalantly, trying to downplay even the remotest possibility of any potential horror awaiting on the other side. I looked back with a shrug, “What could possibly be so bad?”

Spark knew. “You have to see it for yourself.” He said as if I might be walking into a room where someone just got hacked into bloody bits.

Then I saw it with my own eyes.

It could could have been a twisted prank. Some dadaist art piece designed to instigate disgust and provoke a riot. Or special effects from a horror movie made real  and therefore infinitely more disgusting. The bathtub. It looked like it was alive, crawling… hairy. From the hot water a steamy cloud thick with a stench of body odor and scented putrid soap scum hung in the air. The bathtub was thick with Ron Jeremy’s body hair, short, thick curly black hairs that clung to the sides of the tub with greasy suds drying to a hard fuzz lined it end to end. The puddled remnants of water that could not pass down the choked drain was grey with a dirty film. It rippled at one end trying to find a way down and out drop at a time.

Renting an apartment or house out for a location one is always taking a huge risk. The bored production minions, the apathetic actors, the selfishly arrogant directors and producers that are too busy trying to get their shots couldn’t care less. As far as they are all concerning, that space is theirs to do as they wish for the duration of the shoot. They own it.  They don’t care if they break the vase, flick burning ashes on the oriental rug, rip the upholstery moving the furniture into a stack in the corner. In mainstream or in porn, it is all the same regardless but ALL of those things would have been easier to handle than the devastation of Ron’s bath.

Ing stood behind me gently sobbing, demanding a new bathtub. “How am I going to clean that?” She wanted to know and I honestly was at a loss for any suggestion. Some sort of incendiary device would be too dangerous. Chemicals too noxious. It would require a complete hazardous waste disposal team to secure the premises and begin a toxic waste disposal process. Chances were good that Dupont hadn’t yet come up with a solvent that would break down such a biohazard as Ron Jeremy’s hairy soap scum.

I didn’t have the heart to warn her that we were probably going to find used anal sex condoms under the couch too when the Vivid shoot was finally wrapped.

Don't look under the couch...

bronski!

Ron Jeremy had been in the bath for a while. Since that was the location of the one and only restroom in Spark and Ing’s loft, that meant that our bathroom was now the main spot for the cast and crew to use, making waste, doing drugs, and having hissy fits. There was only so much one could do about it. The more pressing concern was still making sure that wherever the anal sex was being recorded that some measure of precautions were being taken to avoid leftover bio-waste. The place could have burned down as far as I was concerned as long as I could still use my couch without fear of finding a spent condom that had recently been stuffed up some starlet’s eager to get paid butthole.

Ron must have had some serious work to do in the bath. The only being I think that could spend more time in a  tub would have to have been part mermaid.

But Ron is a professional, so when the time came to shoot his part, no pun intended, he was out and ready to roll. Indeed, the strange thing was he still pretty much looked the same and smelled the same. In all honesty I doubt many would have realized that he just spent a couple hours preening and cleaning in a tub which proves that you can take the porn star out of the dirt but you can’t take the dirty out of the porn star.

Ing had been more than patient. Actually, she seemed as though she had taken a couple of xanax or something similar. She had the sort of emotionless patience that someone generally has to be on heavy medication to achieve without the benefit of a Guru. She had made it past the Landlords coming by to ask us to keep it down outside the lofts; porn stars had been commiserating over cigarettes, chatting about partying, anal fucking and cum bubbles, sex with agents, sex with trannies, sex, sex, sex, who has good wood and who doesn’t, and all manner of stuff ordinary folks aren’t accustomed to hearing right outside their trendy LA loft apartments.

Hold on, I guess that is pretty normal in San Fernando.

The time Ron Jeremy spent in the bath seemed to Ing like hours. She was becoming frantic. She couldn’t figure out what was taking so long and it was wearing her down just thinking about it. She looked like she had reached that point beyond where the last tear of worry has been shed and all that is left is a cold, expressionless shock that drained her face of color and froze every trace of emotion.

The Vivid shoot in the meantime was going on swimmingly. Scene after sex scene was wrapped and “in the can”. All the non contract stars would be performing the anal sex while the Vivid contract starlets didn’t have to put their asses on the line, so to speak, but assholes were being properly fucked and that what was selling so that is what had t be shot. The top studs in the industry were delivering the goods, wood lasting through all the camera and lighting changes and the starlets sagging interest when the camera was off.

At the end of a day of shooting multiple anal sex scenes, as one can certainly unfortunately surmise, there is a lingering stench of butt and sweat and cum. To director Paul Thomas, that smell was the smell of victory, the sweet and sour scent of a hard day at the orifice.

A long day, just one more scene to shoot. Someone would have to get Ron out of Ing’s bathroom.

In terms of automobiles, a car is considered vintage if it was originally sold between the 1920’s and 1930’s. However, when it comes to amateur porn, vintage means it was produced in the 1980’s and is considered “classic” if it was produced in the 90s. As a result, there is really only one company that can lay much claim to actually having authentic vintage amateur porn, and of course that is Homegrown Video.
The 80s were not just the time for big hair and lots of neon lycra, Laura Ashley dresses with big stuffed shoulders and frilly embellishments. The eighties were when amateur porn still had the innocence of being something folks did mostly for fun and frolic rather than trying to make the cut for fortune and fame and be the next Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. You can tell by the way the bedroom is lit, by the candor and enthusiasm of the people making their first homemade sex tape, this is when making amateur porn was mostly done for the ones making the video and not for any anticipated future audience.
Homegrown Video has been digging deep in its vaults to keep up restoration efforts of this material, which is now approaching 30 years. The goal is to make it all available online, even the stuff that formerly “fell on the cutting room floor” when the scene was originally released back in the day. In that way, Homegrown Video adds becoming historical archives to its resume. Researchers may one day study the changes in sexuality by reviewing how amateur porn has evolved over time. When did women start shaving their bush? Why did anal sex become so popular? How did changes in technology effect the production of homemade sex tapes… all pressing sociological questions demanding intensive, rigorous study at the highest levels of academia.
At Homegrown Video, we are proud to house this collection for the enjoyment of future generations!

“How did the shoot with Max go?” I asked. I had to figure that since it was not the police calling me in for questioning that the shoot couldn’t have been all bad. The pause at the other end of the line was just a little too long though to think that everything went swimmingly. Max Hardcore had a name to live up to and marathon anal sex was not something most ordinary people would be comfortable with even talking about much less engaging in. “We changed my name to Stephanie Swift.”

Oh, ok, fine with that, not a traumatic issue at all since our Grateful Dead themed named was sort of like a working title until she came up with something better. “How was the shoot?” I asked again, “Did you two get along ok?”

Again, a long pause.

“Yes.” He was completely professional but…”

“But what?”

Stephanie Swift spoke in almost a whisper.

 “Well, I did things… I did some things that I really wish I hadn’t done.”  Welcome to the LA porn scene. She couldn’t say that I didn’t warn her – extensively.

“Like what?” If I was a true perv and worth my salt as a porno kingpin then I  probably would have asked for all the juicy details and had my secretary take “dictation” while I listened to her recount her tale of having Max Hardcore savagely fuck her tight puckered little asshole like a dirty little schoolgirl but, alas, I am a failure in that regard. I just wanted to make sure she was not scared – physically or emotionally. Stephanie was hesitating to continue but I didn’t want to push her too hard.

“Did you do anal?” I finally asked.

“Yes. That was ok. I agreed that would be alright.” She said. “But I let him do it without a condom.”

For a second I felt a twinge of something very similar to jealousy. In fact, who am I kidding? I was jealous. She said no way to anal for my shoots with her much less doing it without a rubber which I was perfectly acceptable with. Chalk up one more failure to prove my worth as a true scoundrel of XXX, a defiler of innocents, an ass fucker phenom. So I guess I was sort of defensively antagonistic when I asked why that was a problem.

“I told my boyfriend that I was only going to work with girls.” Stephanie started douching her conscience. “If he sees me in that video he is going to be really upset.”