1. When the suitcase pimp gets too tired to hold the suitcase and needs a helping hand, porn talent scouts can make a call and see if someone is available that can help but you better be prepared to… ahem… show some appreciation

2. If the director doesn’t want to pay you when you balk about the price after finding out that you are expected to do an anal gang bang, then the porn agent can help you convince yourself that it won’t be so bad to get the exposure for being a wild slut willing to do anything even though now everyone will know that you are willing to do everything for almost nothing.

3. When your lingerie and shoes are stolen on the set by one of the other models on the agency roster then the porn agent can remind you how stupid you were to leave them out where someone could take them in the first place.

4. When your head begins to swell because you are getting jobs doing fuck scenes for all the top companies a porn agent is very handy at letting you know that other girls are probably better picks for the big contracts and bringing you down to earth.

5. Porn agents help you to decide that doing amateur porn for Homegrown Video wasn’t a good idea no matter how much fun you had and how much money you made because it makes it apparently makes it harder for you to be a porn star in pro porn.

Returning now to the same old story, success and failure in the black heart of Porn Valley USA, hate the player and love the game, facials and creampies and assholes spread wide, and so many hours in LA traffic going from porn set to porn set in studios, in homes, at hotels, in dorms, we find our heroine tragically now on heroin, oxy, and crystal meth. Her boyfriend split when the money went tight because he couldn’t perform with her anymore. His cock wouldn’t even get hard with a fistful of viagra thrown at it. Losing him however proved great for business… for a while. But then the producers stopped calling unless they were calling her names, like fucked up bitch, useless cunt, crackhead ho, and telling her to kick the drugs. No one wants to hire anyone that strung out.

Even the fact that she would now be willing to do anal gang bangs with truckload of tranny midgets wasn’t getting the phone to ring.

Time to take time off. A vacation was long overdue anyway. Getting clean and sober would be the perfect destination, she books the trip.

So with the same determination and spirit that helped make her a porn star, she walks, stumbles, but does not fall off the path to sobriety. Finally, clean and sober, she dates a doting fan. He stayed with her through it all. He made the trip and didn’t ask for much. He still loved her even when she swore off men for the rest of her life after the last bad break up and all the cocksuckers she had to deal with doing the porn star thing.

And life away from the scene? Life is good. Sure there were great parties. Meeting some of the celebs other people dream about fucking that paid to fuck could be notched off in the fun column, might miss that a bit from time to time.  The directors kissing your ass, friends passing by to get high, free catering, and getting things like underwear paid for until your drawers were overstuffed with frilly fraying lingerie, all that left a taste bittersweet but neither too bitter nor luckily too sweet, because that is the part that gets people into trouble.

Thinking back though, the fondest memory, the memory of when it was fun more than work, that was when way back when you made your first, your very first, amateur porn.

My first experience with a porn talent agent occurred at  the infamous World Modeling Talent Agency, located in the heart of the San Fernando Valley on Van Nuys Boulevard. One of the chief reasons San Fernando is often referred to as “porn valley”, the agency was the original place for producers to call that wanted to hire not just actors and actresses but an actress that would, if necessary to convey the reality of the character and add substance to the plot, take a hard cock up the asshole and a massive cum blast to the face to fully portray her character. World Modeling managed to draw the line in the sand between the cheesy entertainment industry of Tinseltown and the sleazy side of that other Hollywood of failed actresses that became successful hookers and escorts. If you were “acting” and having sex was essential to the performance then that part about getting paid to act didn’t also mean necessarily paid to have sex. We all know that would be illegal… because paying people to have sex is just bad, bad, bad, wicked bad. Ok? (That’s ok, I don’t particularly agree with it either)

The first thing the original owner Jim South would tell you was about what he had to go through to help make that point clear. He had to fight the cops that wanted to bust him for pimping and the pimps that wanted to bust him up for making his style of pimping legal. It must not have been easy and word on the streets, lined not with gold but with golden condom wrappers and glimmering with shiny used hypodermic needles and other bits of the detritus of sleaze, had it that Jim fought back hard and perhaps even some things, like a leg or an arm here or there, might have been broken along the way.

I went the agency on the advice of a now former pornstar that went by the name “Aja” back in the day. She said Jim’s World Modeling was the only legit agency and the best way to break into the porn biz. Up until that time, I was just doing homemade sex tapes and sending them to Homegrown Video, but I wanted to hit the big time of getting paid to get laid. Going through the doors of the office, I had no idea of what to expect so I was nervous, curious, excited, anxious, and didn’t know whether or not to climb the stairs to the office and get on the path to porn super-stardom or run out the door and try to find an alternate direction to the future besides the road to ruin.

The last straw wasn’t when the boyfriend found out that you did the boy/girl fuck scenes without telling him. He got over that as quick as the next week’s hotel bill being due. The last straw wasn’t even when he drunkenly got pissed off and mean as a fucking snake with a nail through its tail either; he took the swing at you that left a bruise but that wasn’t the last straw either, even when you had to make an excuse for the mark. Saying that it happened on a fetish shoot yesterday got the director off your back even though he grumbled about having to deal with extra time in make-up to hide it and time is money. You could even forgive him for smoking the last bit of weed or doing the last line of that crystal that burned like a motherfucker.

Nope, all that was bad but the problem came down to the fact that you were doing all the work. He did jack shit because after a while the pick your dick up meds stops working no matter how many you pop. When the guy can’t get his dick hard and can’t get any real work and is just jerking off for $50 bucks  a pop in a gang bang that just wasn’t going to pay the bills, buy the drugs, or even purchase a ticket to get the bus home. At this point, it wouldn’t be so much breaking up as it would be firing his lazy ass and kicking him to the curb so you could make some real cash without him holding you back.

At this point you would be willing to do more anal scenes, as long as the money is good, and there are a few directors out there that said to let them know when you were willing to take some cock – besides the dick of that dickhead ex-boyfriend that couldn’t get his dick hard – up your asshole. Once those options ran dry then a change of hair color and a new stage name would be the way to go. Rebooting the career might be just the thing to do under the circumstances.

The agent reminds you not to say anything about having made amateur porn videos for Homegrown Video. In fact, he makes you feel like it was a mistake. He also makes you feel like having a boyfriend is a mistake too.

“He may not be a suitcase pimp”, the Agent tells you, “but it doesn’t matter because that is how everyone is going to see him anyway and no one likes when suitcase pimps are on set.” He is a broken record and you already know what tune he is going to be playing next but of course you have to listen to it again anyway. “Producers don’t want to hire you if you only are going to do boy/girl scenes with him exclusively anyway.” The hardest part of hearing it again is that you already know that the bill on the cheapest hotel you could find in the Valley is coming due. The roaches don’t have to pay it but you have to pay for the roaches. Your man is getting depressed because the work has been getting tougher and tougher to find. Producers don’t want to hire him. Even though you said you would be ok with him doing fuck scenes with other starlets, none of the producers are interested in him.

“How do we know if he can perform?” The producers all have their studs that they like to work with and hire all the time. The idea of trying anyone knew means that they will all be standing around waiting. Waiting to see if he can get his dick hard. Waiting to see if he can cum on cue. Waiting for him to fail so they can say, “Sorry, I told you so.” Then they will suggest that you break up with him. “He is just holding you back.” That is when they are being obnoxiously polite. Other times it is more scathingly impolite. “You have to get rid of that suitcase pimp if you really want to make it in this business.” They tell you then add something along the lines of “I would hire you for a ton of shoots if you would work with my guys. You would like working with my guys. They know how to fuck like stars and will make you look good… unlike that limp dick motherfucker you call a boyfriend. That bitch can’t even keep his dick hard with a fist full of viagra.”

The mere suggestion of doing fuck scenes with other guys though just is not something that he is ok with. Oh yeah, it is fine for him to be with other chicks, and you can deal with that, but not ok with you to be with other guys. That is not ok.

But neither is it ok not having enough money to pay the hotel bill… so you can enjoy another week of cigarette smoke stained ceilings, brown and orange shag carpets with ominous swampy spots, and a tv that only seems to successfully carry channels that are in Spanish.

So it all comes down to making a choice. Do you take the job on the sneak and try to not let the boyfriend know or do you just tell him “fuck it, we have to pay the rent and do it no matter how pissed off he gets, or do you just pack the bags and use whatever money is left to try and make it home and forget the whole frigging thing and give up on being a porn star.

Only quitters quit. Liars lie. Porn stars fucking fuck.

He is just going to have to deal with it. But should you tell him before or after you do the scene? That is the question…

1. You will only get an 11 minute allotment of fame rather than the 15 minutes you were promised due to the glut of new models getting into porn
2. When the agent says you will be taking 10 inches today make sure that doesn’t mean ten midgets with one inch cocks in a gang bang
3. The fans are usually going to like your amateur porn better than your professional videos no matter how much time you spend in make up
4. If you break your ass in an anal sex scene then getting a replacement asshole is not really an option
5. Unless you can put your legs behind your head, sit and spin on a dick going up your ass, while ramming a dildo in your pussy and whistling Dixie with another cock in your mouth then you are going to find it very competitive
6. Becoming an escort really is not a career advancement opportunity no matter how they try and sell the idea
7. Your well being and worth will be measured in ratio to the amount of cash they are making off of you
8. Getting paid your “day rate” doesn’t mean much when you have to perform ten sex scenes in a single day – those days should be called your “Month rate” because you won’t want to have sex for a month after one of those days.
9. The agent will promise to make you a star but forgets to mention that in the wild and wacky world of porn that “stars” are oftentimes so explosively tempered as to go supernova and blow up so dense they become a black hole and end up pulling down and crushing an entire universe of friends and family.
10. You don’t need an agent to make money from your amateur porn with Homegrown Video!

The agencies that represent porn models are mostly in Los Angeles which of course makes sense since that is where most of the work is. You sent them your pictures and told them about making some amateur porn and selling it to Homegrown Video.

“Forget that” they tell you as they insinuate that doing amateur porn is for suckers and pump you up with the idea of what it means to be a porn star, the money, the fans, the travel, the more money. Should you worry about having already made some homemade sex videos? Those were fun to do but what if they hurt your shot at the big time? What if no one wants to hire you because now everyone sees you as just being “amateur”?

“Don’t worry about that.” The agent tells you. “Producers will hire you if you know how to take cock.” He says. There is a very pregnant silence, interrupted only by the sound of his zipper being pulled down. You boyfriend was told to wait outside while the interview was being conducted. You could walk out now. You could stay and suck the agents cock. How much did you spend on the trip to Los Angeles? How much is the hotel you are staying at until you get a place and the career gets going? You want to be a porn star; this must be the first test on the road to stardom. Is sucking a dick really sex? Why not? Probably all the other girls, whose pictures adorn every wall in the office, had to do the same thing. So why not.

You are a porn star. So you might as well show him what porn stars can do. A small smile tells the agent all he needs to know. He turns his chair to give you better access to his hard cock and you drop to your knees…

When the family found out you made a homemade sex tape and sent it to a company like Homegrown Video, sure, there was a lot of drama. But was it any worse than the time when you were caught sneaking out of the house at 15 to go get into that college frat party and got so drunk that that the ambulance had to take you to the hospital which is where you found out that some frat bastard roofied you and you were most likely gangbanged by the entire frat? (Lucky the ‘rents never found out about that part) Well, not really, at least now you are too old to be grounded and being out on your own and paying your own bills so who are they to say what you can or cannot do? So what really are the consequences going to be?

Well, forget about that bid for the presidency… Running the country doesn’t sound like fun anyway. And even being head of the PTA is so far off the radar right now because having kids soon is pretty much out of the question. There might be other negative aspects, but you can’t really think of any.

Time to focus on the career.

But being in amateur porn is never going to make you a star so time to start weighing the prospects. Have to go where the money is so Los Angeles, here you come!

Your boyfriend is ok with the idea as long  as you stick to the plan. The plan is this:

Girl on girl scenes only – unless the two of you can work together, in which case . No anal sex. No black guys. (your bf’s idea but you will go along with it to keep him happy but it isn’t like you really have a problem with it, in fact, the idea actually excites you but you aren’t about to tell you bf that because it would just freak him right the fuck out…).

So one person told another person that told two more and now, somehow, your family found out you made an amateur porn titled “Two Cocks, One Gaping Asshole“. Parents are not speaking to you. Family is ashamed. Some friends are asking you where they can check it out while others others are asking you “what the fuck were you thinking?” but then going and trying to find a copy so they can watch it too.

So taking a tally of the situation you come up with the following pluses and minuses to deal with how divided you are about whether or not it was a good idea to do it in the first place.

On the plus side, yes, when you and your best friend and lover-for-life made it, well, that turned out to be some of the best sex you ever had, mind blowing, earth shattering, second coming, an orgasm to echo through all time by the magic of digital reproduction. Then, getting paid for it was awesome! The money meant everything at the time because rent money doesn’t grow on trees but  it does grow on nice hairy bushes. (Not having to shave the pussy for that month was also a perk, come to think of it). For one day filled with a few hours of fun and fucking, stuffing the buns with sausage, you made more than you would in an entire month stuffing buns with sausages at that Weinerschnitzel job. The free time meant you were able to spend more time with friends, although the ones that didn’t approve of the homemade sex tapes aren’t really talking to  you, but  they must not really be friends anyway. What is their problem anyway? C’mon, it’s just sex and none of us would be here if there weren’t any. What could be so bad about watching people have sex? Well, figuring out who the real friends are is actually another plus anyway.

Now… on the minus side…

You sure it was me?

not someone that looks like me?

in amateur porn?