1.       Learn to read the Kama Sutra in Sanskrit and climb a mountain to live in a cave where you meditate upon it 25 years until you know it front and back then come back to society and hit a singles bar.

2.       Pop a few Viagra and attend a sex addicts anonymous meeting and run on and on about how good a relapse would feel.

3.       Put a wig and some lipstick on your hand where you have drawn a cute little face.

4.       Rent a gorilla suit and a jungle explorer pith helmet and get some rope, a whip, a canteen full of sex lube, and a hammock.

5.       Sprinkle salt and pepper on your cock or punani before getting oral sex. You might scream a little but this just adds to the excitement.

6.       Practice hula hooping… with a partner…

7.       Open an adult video business where amateur porn stars send you their homemade sex videos and also make your own amateur porn. (Worked for me…)

8.       Put an ad on Craigslist that says you like wearing diapers and being spanked while masturbating with a milk bottle and singing “three horny mice”

9.       Do volunteer work at a local brothel.

10.   Watch more Homegrown Video  amateur porn!

1.       Watching hot lesbians have sex reduces the negative morale impact of penis envy but creates pussy envy

2.       Real lesbian sex can be a highly instructive tutorial that a guy never actually learns from

3.       Two horny women trumps one horny woman in most cases… except where neither of them want a dude around

4.        Girls make kissing girls seem so much easier than it is in real life for guys to kiss girls

5.       Lesbians never have to worry about their strap-on dildos going soft during sex

6.       Real lesbians have real orgasms… but never fall for the “I came so many times I lost count” line like guys all too often do

7.       Lesbians can have all the sex they want… but they don’t have to worry about getting pregnant

8.       Lesbian sex is often up to 90% foreplay to 10% sex which is ideal, but it is also a virtually impossible standard for a guy to live up to

9.       Real lesbians never have to worry about whether or not the orifice is too big or too small

10.   Guys love watching cute young lesbians in Homegrown Video’s “Sex Kittens” series but know they never have a chance of being in the video

I had just stepped away from the computer. The work day was done. Time for some relaxation. Time to zone out on the TV for a few. I called to Lani, “Baby, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeeeee, do you want to come watch some tube?” No answer. She had just taken a shower so I had to figure she was probably upstairs. She couldn’t hear me. Didn’t matter why. Could be the hair dryer or maybe in my fantasy world she was playing with that hitachi vibe that I picked out for her with all the little special rubber nub attachments and mini-phallus appendages that can be pulled onto it. I imagined her playing with it. Enjoying some privacy and an orgasm or two… maybe the ticket for my turn would come up soon and I would be beckoned up, up to the bedroom, where her warm naked body would invite me under the covers and we could fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck… fuck.

But in the meantime I would have to wait so I kicked back on the couch and turned on the tv.

Surfed some channels.

All of a sudden the volume mysteriously started climbing. Damn, I must be sitting again on the remote. So I searched the cushions and pulled it free then turned down the audio which had climbed to the point where the neighbors might consider calling the cops… and no one wants the cops to show up when they are watching “Real Housewives of Orange County”.

So I turned it down to a respectable volume and began watching again. For a few stress free minutes of pure and mindless time in front of the idiot box, all was swell.

Then the volume began climbing again. Only this time the remote was right there. I hadn’t touched it. The dog hadn’t stepped on it and the cat wasn’t sleeping on it. I had to act quickly. The volume slowly, steadily, annoyingly was continuing to rise. I jumped off the couch and tried fiddling with the volume controls on the set, the old fashioned approach, yes, but when all else fails sometimes you have to fall back on the old tried and true ways. Fortunately, the set is mounted too high on the wall for me to kick it which is what I was on the verge of doing.

Then I opened the closet where all the amps and receivers and xbox and whatnots are racked…

That is when the troll screamed. The closet troll. She was tucked into a little ball in the darkness of the space with only the little led and display lights to illuminate her. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Then the troll started laughing hysterically. Apparently my reaction was humorous and that could mean only one thing. LANI!!!!

I was still shaking when we finally got down to some good old fashioned sex. I think I was vibrating like a hitachi magic wand set on high speed…

10. Purchase a can of whipped cream, making carefully sure not to suck on it for a nitrous oxide hit first, shake vigorously and spray into your face. You can also practice talking dirty to it while you are performing this hand job exercise

9. Practice melting the wax sprayed on cucumbers in the supermarket by stroking vigorously until the friction melts off the vegetable. Make sure to be discrete if you practice this hand job technique in the market lest the manager comes over and starts slobbering.

8. Vigorously caress a garden hose as if you were performing a hand job while a partner turns the water on and off unexpectedly. Make sure to direct the water at a body part accordingly.

7.  Take a trip to a farm and improve your hand jobs by learning to milk a cow by pulling vigorously on its udder until it sprays cream. Direct the squirt at your tongue to equally enhance your facial technique.

6. Develop advanced two handed hand job techniques by learning to play billiards and make sure to vigorously polish the balls and chalk the cue while talking in sexy voice to the stick in hand. Bending over at the table will also add dramatic lustiness to your back side.

5. Collect almost empty toothpaste tubes which can be vigorously squeezed to make the last bit of paste emerge as if you were encountering the onset of pre-cum. Try licking it off to freshen breath and add a dramatic twist to your hand job technique.

4. Engage a clown in twist-tying you a penis shaped balloon character and vigorously rub and squeeze it without causing the balloon to pop. Try to avoid being creeped out by the clown who may become mesmerized by your hand job practice efforts.

3. Try making a banana splooge out one end by vigorously jacking it in an up and down motion without making it ooze out from the sides in order to achieve hand job mastery.

2. Do calisthenics with your fingers by vigorously simulating a tickling motion with one hand while you create an “A-ok”  finger circle with the other while you wag the hand up and down to simulate a hand job motion. If anyone asks what you are doing say that you are conducting an imaginary orchestra.

1. Vigorously watch “Hand Jobs Across America” videos from Homegrown Video to see expert hand job techniques employed in real world encounters that are captured in amateur xxx videos.

I’ve heard from many women that they are intimidated by giving a guy a hand job and express an anxiety about trying to compete with what a guy does to himself all the time. Hopefully I can provide a solid bit of advice to help not only alleviate those trepidations but also prove your mastery.

First off, proceeding to the hand job, assuming that you are starting off with your guy’s limp noodle, focus on that, as if it were a savory dish perfectly simmered and served to perfection. Dart looks up to his eyes, but with any flavor of intent you savor for the moment, like you want to lick an ice cream cone, like you are begging to know if you can start eating, like you are going to devour your prey like a fierce cat pouncing on a meal, whatever you feel like can be expressed by your eyes and your smile. Set whatever mood to spice things up the way you like, but always remember to look and linger longingly on the lingam as it were the best dessert in the whole world.

The first contact one makes to perform a hand job is critical so a safe bet is not to go in yanking like you are pulling up weeds. Unless of course you are in an S&M club where that might be the polite greeting, taking a more gentle approach is advised to get things started. Use a grip that is neither too firm nor too light then don’t hesitate to ask if more or less, up or down, left or right, fast or slow, zig or zag would be nice. Remember all of that is changeable according to the moment, just like if he was doing it himself, but what he can’t do by his lonesome is experience the drama and excitement of you doing your thing, being your sexy self, there and in the flesh. When you look at him and his little buddy hanging there between his legs you, reinforcing your intentions by tickling that ever so important oft overlooked erogenous zone, the brain, with tantalizing expressions of eagerness, earnestness, approval, arousal, desire, even disgust, then you are doing something he can’t do by himself, not even if he looks in a mirror while he jerks off. Of course if he is doing that then you got bigger problems than wondering if you can give him a good hand job compared to how he would do it himself.