The other day Lani and I were having sex when all of a sudden she asked that I fuck like the president. So I asked, “Which one?”

“All of them!” She replied.

“You have to be more specific.” I said. “Name one and I will fuck like he does.”

“Start with Nixon!” she threw out. So I tried sneaking in her backdoor but she caught me and impeached me from going any further. Then she said, “Ford!” I begged her pardon and tried to sink a hole in one with my putter in her pussy hole. She got kind of bored with that though and suggested Jimmy Carter next so I asked for the Lord to forgive me while I fucked her good and hard while I imagined fucking all the Playboy bunnies who attended Hugh Hefner’s pajama party in 1978. She enjoyed it but it just wasn’t enough so she screamed for Ronald Reagan.  I kept a big smile on my face while I secretly snuck my finger into her ass which made her shoot me a couple “what the fuck are you doing” looks but never took the smile off my face… on the contrary, I kept plugging away…

Then she asked for Bush Sr. so I just went ahead and invaded her ass but that didn’t last long before she wanted the President I was most looking forward to all along, Bill Clinton. I went wild like a freak and she loved every minute of it even when I pulled out and came all over her face and her blue nightgown. It was amazing and I thought we would stop there but, well, you know Lani… she just wanted more… but even I was kind of shocked when she asked for more…  Bush… Jr., that is.

So I had to re-inflate my now limp cock and try to figure out what the hell I was going to do so I figured I might as well, what the hell, try to go back to invading her ass and plunder her for all she was worth so that by the time I was through she would be pretty much too exhausted to continue. But we are talking about Lani here and you know what? She hoped we could go on. So at last she called for Obama. I ratified my stimulus package, rolled up my sleeves, and proceeded to lay some pipe…

My crazy girlfriend Lani Brooke loves to surprise me with unusual sex games like when she said “let’s have a threesome” and the third one turned out to be her sock puppet. Then there is the time she started calling out various names of past and present Presidents and telling me that I had to fuck like them… (imagine trying to conjur up how Bush Sr. or Gerald Ford would lay some fuck down and you can guess how tough that would be; although when she called out Clinton I knew right away just how pervy I could get)

Well, today she calls me to the chamber of love and when she comes up from under the covers – her usual surprise attack which I know now to be quite wary of – she came out with a little fake mustache on and told me to fuck her new alter ego “Larry”!

I could have froze up. I could have questioned my sexuality. I could have been an angry homophobe and been totally turned off. But I didn’t. I watched Sean Penn’s brilliant performance in “Milk” and if he could act like a gay man and win an Academy Award then I could use “the method” to pull of an equally award worthy performance.

I knew just what to do. I didn’t hesitate. I said, “I am going to get all Castro – Fire Island – Santa Monica Blvd on your sweet little ass baby!”

I grabbed the lube…

You can figure out the rest you dirty little whores!

I think I might be developing multiple personality disorder. Did he just say what I think he said? Yes. Well I am not sure that we agree on that point. What makes you say that? Well listen to what he has to do when he is having sex with Lani. Oh. You mean like when she makes him fuck like Bush or Obama or Clinton? How can I keep track? YOU? WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? Like when we have to be Ellen licking Portia and Arnold bending Maria over for anal (omfg!) and Tom Cruise fucking Katie Holmes… that is not so weird. C’mon, everyone fantasizes about what it would be like to be a celebrity, but more importantly, everyone wonders what having the sex life of a celebrity would be all about. I know but isn’t he like a retired porn star or something or the owner of Homegrown Video? Doesn’t that count for something? Yes. It accounts for his weirdness but it is still not weirder than the idea of Cruise fucking Holmes now then is it… We have a point there.

Yes I do.

I had just stepped away from the computer. The work day was done. Time for some relaxation. Time to zone out on the TV for a few. I called to Lani, “Baby, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeeeee, do you want to come watch some tube?” No answer. She had just taken a shower so I had to figure she was probably upstairs. She couldn’t hear me. Didn’t matter why. Could be the hair dryer or maybe in my fantasy world she was playing with that hitachi vibe that I picked out for her with all the little special rubber nub attachments and mini-phallus appendages that can be pulled onto it. I imagined her playing with it. Enjoying some privacy and an orgasm or two… maybe the ticket for my turn would come up soon and I would be beckoned up, up to the bedroom, where her warm naked body would invite me under the covers and we could fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck… fuck.

But in the meantime I would have to wait so I kicked back on the couch and turned on the tv.

Surfed some channels.

All of a sudden the volume mysteriously started climbing. Damn, I must be sitting again on the remote. So I searched the cushions and pulled it free then turned down the audio which had climbed to the point where the neighbors might consider calling the cops… and no one wants the cops to show up when they are watching “Real Housewives of Orange County”.

So I turned it down to a respectable volume and began watching again. For a few stress free minutes of pure and mindless time in front of the idiot box, all was swell.

Then the volume began climbing again. Only this time the remote was right there. I hadn’t touched it. The dog hadn’t stepped on it and the cat wasn’t sleeping on it. I had to act quickly. The volume slowly, steadily, annoyingly was continuing to rise. I jumped off the couch and tried fiddling with the volume controls on the set, the old fashioned approach, yes, but when all else fails sometimes you have to fall back on the old tried and true ways. Fortunately, the set is mounted too high on the wall for me to kick it which is what I was on the verge of doing.

Then I opened the closet where all the amps and receivers and xbox and whatnots are racked…

That is when the troll screamed. The closet troll. She was tucked into a little ball in the darkness of the space with only the little led and display lights to illuminate her. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Then the troll started laughing hysterically. Apparently my reaction was humorous and that could mean only one thing. LANI!!!!

I was still shaking when we finally got down to some good old fashioned sex. I think I was vibrating like a hitachi magic wand set on high speed…