This story has been told a thousand times. Usually the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent. But you can recognize it, regardless, because the name is not nowhere near so important as the story. There is a version of Cinderella from every culture. The story is universal no matter what name she goes by – people will always recognize the story of a princess cast down as a waif, forced to suffer great humility and eat a ton and a half of shitburgers, then finally being discovered and saved by a prince who of course takes her away to get a new pair of shoes in a boutique called Happily-Ever-After in a place close to Disneyland.

This is that story but it is the porn version of it. Does that mean there will be ass fucking and facial cumshots? Of course!

Our tale begins in a little wood paneled bed room, somewhere in the heartland of America, where a camera light has just come on to signal recording has begun. The couple on the bed is sort of naked, a little bit tipsy from the couple glasses of wine they used to fuel the fire of lust… or drown out the nervous and final doubts about what they are going to do, making a homemade sex tape. Not just an amateur porn for themselves alone to know and watch privately and keep a secret, now the plan is to take the video and send it to a company like Homegrown Video…

(tbc)

Do you remember

her first Homegrown sex movie

now she’s a porn star

Roughly about the same time when I was getting into the amateur sex video business, pop sensation Madonna had already freaked people out with her upskirt shot on TV as she rolled around singing “Like a Virgin” and she had already tried her best to freak out the Catholic Church with “Like a Prayer”, her book entitled “Sex” hit the dirty sleazy streets of LA. Even I bought a copy of it knowing that while I wasn’t much of a Madonna fan, being far too busy with my Grateful Dead affinities to invest in her Pop sensibilities, that book was destined to become a collectors item. Why not? Madonna doing high end porn with top models in a limited edition metal covered coffee table book, who wouldn’t want to be titillated by such a thing?

Never one to be vague or beat around her hairy bush as shown in her Penthouse pictorial, “Sex” contained photos that were provocative and titillating but it was sort of inspiring as well. Here was a major public celebrity, basically giving the big thumbs up to expressing herself as a sexual being. Liberating. But, like a slave finally being untied and allowed the gratification of masturbation on his Dom’s feet, it was a relief but not necessarily a rescue from future punishments. Finally, someone was willing to “go there” and (ahem) embrace sexuality as a creative inspiration without ruining it with lame apologies and insincere validations; I applauded her for not making it “Like a Sex Book” but really delivering the goods and showing off some crazy stuff. Cross dressing, peeing, lesbians (everyone loves lipstick lesbians right?) and with a menage-a-try-anything approach, she really stuffed that meaty stuff deep inside the corseted spiral bound covers. However, it was sort of so high concept, strictly staged, and tightly bound to being “artsy” that it essentially lost the down and dirty appeal of being actually sexually inspiring. In fact, it was anything but sexy in a way that would actually motivate a person to actually have sex. Like “voguing” it was all postures and no real play.

That is the same sort of disappointment I had watching her during the Superbowl halftime show. Clearly, there were not going to be any risky wardrobe malfunctions to spice up the night. No perky breasted cheerleaders cavorting in leather and lace cheerleader outfits simulating sex with dancers dressed as jocks in bare butt jockstraps shaking their booties. No kink, no pain, no pleasure, no gain of more yards in the great game of making sex ok in front of bazillions of viewers. Just because you wear the high heeled thigh high black leather boots doesn’t make you sexy enough to be Pussy in boots ready to get down and get off.

Shame. Back to square one. Negative yardage on the play.

Now that I think about it, I can’t find my copy of “Sex” either. Maybe that is lost too, just like Madonna’s sex appeal and willingness to be risque’.

The first stage of shooting an amateur porn video is a long and winding road to actually making a homemade sex tape. “Do you want to do it?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Maybe…” “What if your mom sees me fucking you in the asshole then blasting a hot load of cum on your face?” “Good question.” “Maybe we should think about it some more…” “Yes, for sure, but it still could be fun…”

All that negotiation what to do, and excitement about what risks there are doing it, and planning for where to do it build a great deal of anticipation and enthusiasm. Then you make your first amateur sex video, it is a blast, but then you look at it afterwards and go, “well I wish we had done this or that better.” That is the end of stage one.

Stage two is making your next sex tape. Now you have an idea what shots you missed. You have a clue about where to put the camera to make it easier. And, of course, you are horny as hell because you know that sex on video is not run of the mill Saturday night and a six pack style sex, it is wild show off your freaky side sex because you know it is a chance to channel your inner porn star funky get down and boogie hardcore fucking sex type sex. Now when you review the hot fucking action that is a mindblowingly wild over the top and run through the jungle of crazy carnality video ode to the wonders of fantastic sex, you think, “We look good. We look really good. I think we could make some money doing this because people would definitely get off watching this!” Then you proceed to stage three…

Stage three is when you start contacting companies like Homegrown Video and seeing if they will buy your amateur porn footage. You show it off probably for the first time to someone besides yourselves. Now you are nervous. Will it make the grade and be the million seller blockbuster cockbuster that you knew it could be. Or will the cat walking across the bed when you were painting her face with cum be a distraction from the intimacy and dramatic  intrigue of the moment?

So you break through to stage four, here you begin to hone your production skills, your business sense, and you branch out to find more places to sell your amateur sex videos, and the prices go up, and the sexual boundaries are expanded. Maybe new fellow sex fiends are found to participate, or maybe you try sex acts like anal out to give the videos extra bang, bang, fuck, fuck. Now you are banging out scenes like crazy, but one problem, now it is a job and everyone knows that jobs have some good days and some bad days but at the end of any of those days one might echo that bumper sticker sentiment, “A bad day of golf, fishing, bowling, whatever is better than a good day of work”. Unfortunately now you are in for a penny, in for a pounding, and you have to go on but some of the fun is gone because now it is just another hard day at the orifice. Welcome to being a porn professional! Now go out and get the job done! There are horny people out there that need to jerk off…

Sour grapes about not getting either an AVN or Xbiz award for their usually award winning amateur porn videos, Homegrown Video reacts indignantly to the snub at this year’s award ceremonies. “Let’s face the facts” says owner and president Tim Lake, “the guy who won almost every single award in the show is not really making amateur sex videos; he is making corporate porn, spitting out a product, and it might look good but it certainly doesn’t look like real amateur sex videos.” Although Homegrown has won many awards in the past, credited with pioneering the amateur porn genre, and it has certainly been blessed with customer loyalty and longevity, there is still reason to be jealous and

1. Tongue push ups. This is great for improving endurance and stamina during excessively long blow jobs, the kind of dick sucking marathon that really says “I love you” or “This must be steak and blowjob day”. Recline in such a way that you are able to balance a frozen banana on the tip of your tongue while humming “row your boat”. Hold the position for 10 minutes total with 15 seconds rest each minute making sure to massage your jaw during rest cycles

2. Anal Pilates. Lubricate your asshole generously then sit on a bottle of coca cola until you feel the stretch. Clench for thirty seconds while holding your breath then expel your breath from the diaphragm. Be careful not to inhale abruptly which may result in having to explain to ER why you have a coke bottle up your ass.

3. Ball Busters. Heavy duty hardcore fucking requires great stamina, concentration, and a measure of gonad patience to prevent prematurely busting a nut. Watch one hour of Homegrown Video amateur porn and masturbate but stop every time you approach orgasm until your balls are blue. Make sure to take at least two days of rest after each ball busting work out or risk serious injury. Consult with a doctor to make sure you are fit enough for this exercise.

4. Dick sprints. Some people have the opposite condition from Premature Ejaculation, namely, they cannot cum even after prolonged fucking and sucking. This can result in partners becoming possibly bored and potentially frustrated which is not conducive to mutual pleasure. For this we recommend dick sprints. Masturbate to Homegrown Video amateur homemade sex videos only start them five seconds before the cumshot and finish jerking off at the same time as the video sex scene.

5. Breaststroke. Not the swimming stroke but actually stroking the breasts. This is best performed with a partner to assist. No. Seriously. I mean it. He gets… I mean You Get a lot more out of it in the long run.

6. Cumshot shooter practice. This is a great exercise for developing your aim and is very meditative and good for your hardcore sexual encounters that result in facial cumshots. Many times, you absolutely do not want to come in your partners eye especially if you have repeatedly promised not to. Getting good aim when you are wildly busting your nut on someone’s face involves an inner concentration and zen-like state to transcend the “I don’t care where I spurt” lack of concern that sometimes prevails in weaker willed individuals.

7. Pussy Shadow Boxing. Using a dildo, penetrate your cunt and quickly punch, jab, and poke at your pussy while rolling your hips to dodge, lunge, and shift your position favorably, make sure to massage your clit if necessary to fight off fatigue.

8. Cock pull ups. Firmly grab your dick and pull up and push down on it until you ejaculate. Be careful to apply lubrication in order to avoid painful callouses.

9. Jumping Jack-offs. Jump up and down while masturbating to get a nice aerobic exercise that will also work out your sex organs.

10. Homegrown Video Marathon. Make a Homegrown Video amateur sex video and record at least four straight hours of sexual activity.

Moisturizes and protects...

A fucking reward?

For what? Cum bubble blowing…

or anal gang bang…

As Homegrown Video once again crosses fingers and strokes dick in anticipation of another year of being in business and hopefully collecting some more AVN awards for our unique brand of amateur sex videos we take a quick moment of self reflection, introspection, and a measure of self mockery to postulate on whether or not this will be a year of reward and recognition or one of being forgotten and unloved; never to stand at the podium and tearfully thank mom, pop, and the American people as well as hopefully some of those proud and horny people’s/customers of many other lands, except the ones where porn is so illegal they kill you for making it, never to stand tall among our peers and collect the big fat blow job of wet and slippery congratulations, and never to know the joy of walking through the casino hoisting a trophy that everyone wants to know… “What is that for?”

The massive archival project to unearth the best amateur porn nuggets recovers this week from a mine collapse that practically claimed the livelihoods of several workers. They were tasked with digging into the immense mountain of rock solid shot at home sex tapes, finding diamonds in the rough chiseled from homemade sex tapes that are the bedrock of amateur porn. Here they hoped to discover the clarity of sincerity and sparkle of personality that radiates so perfectly in true Homegrown Videos, the source of homemade porn’s equivalent of the Hope Diamond. Going deep into the core of Homegrown’s incredibly dense library to mine the quality footage for archiving and restoring to the best video standards available today, the workers were overwhelmed by a sudden collapse of the adjoining main goldmine of brand new sexy amateur videos.

Under pressure from the wealth of new material that has been pouring in, the Homegrown Video library became precariously large which appears to have created the conditions for the collapse. Local inspectors and company owners project that operations will be fully restored in the first quarter of 2012. Work has already resumed in many of the best tunnels of homemade loving.

Once upon a time…

In a place not so far away, not so long ago either, but actually maybe as close as your neighbor’s house only yesterday, cameras are rolling on carousing couples caroming around on their beds, fucking like rabbits…. if in fact Bugs Bunny was a porn star ready for his close up, tongue in both cheeks, what’s up your orifice doc, loony times for sexy lunatics not concerned with anyone seeing them in all their naked horny splendor. Amateur sex videos were, are, and will be recorded and saved then produced and reproduced for many others to watch. But something is different, there is a change, subtle yet distinct, all one has to do is look at the way those self made porn videos used to look compared to how they look today.

It isn’t just that the hairstyles have changed. And it doesn’t matter that not too many people wear elastic head sweat bands and neon lime green lycra body suits any more, because we are not talking superficial and cosmetic differences such as those. Let’s face it… sex hasn’t really changed all that much in quite a few years either when you really get to thinking about it. Yes the technology to shoot homemade sex videos and edit them has improved but what is truly the difference?

What has changed is the ability of the people shooting them. So many years of people possessing the ability to shoot videos has actually improved technique as if there has been an evolution of intellect of what to shoot and prowess at getting the right angle and perfect frame to make things look just right. So now amateur sex videos just seem more polished and professional. That quality has actually led people to pursue making amateur porn beyond the level of hobbyist and seek the higher echelons of erotic achievements, like sending in their shot at home sex tapes to Homegrown Video.

And at Homegrown, we are ever so proud to preserve the history of amateur porn through the ages!

Ahhh... the great outdoors just got greater

Homegrown is lucky to once again be honored with several titles and series nominated for porn‘s equivalent of an Oscar… but in this case more like an Oscar Meier Wiener since it is a celebration of the phallic slick as liquid sex lube porn industry. The beauty of the AVN celebration is that it is so tongue in cheek… ass cheek that is. Anyone that can appreciate the humor and irony in an award for “best anal sex scene” or “best non-sex performance in an all sex movie” would get a kick out of it. In the good old days more than a few of the attendees sitting at their dinner tables were getting blowjobs or having their pussies licked while award after award, you have never seen an awards show with more award categories, after award was called out and accepted by starlets and studs that were three cum stained bed sheets to the wind already and slurring their way through thank you’s and fuck you’s (you have never seen a more honest, direct, and uncensored acceptance speech). Ahh, the good ol’ fucking days!

Now everyone is so big business and corporate and stuffy with the puffed up notion that the industry is so firmly part of mainstream entertainment that it has lost some of that old school anarchy and liberation that it used to conjure. On the night when I was receiving my Hall of Fame award I sat next to a starlet that tipped her nose at me for a comment I made about the humor of it all, the seriousness of its un-seriousness, the idea that we could give awards away for hottest milf sex scene or best gang bang performance etc. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days? You know, that time when people still had sex for fun and making porn was a way of saying “hedonism can work for you too!”