1. You will only get an 11 minute allotment of fame rather than the 15 minutes you were promised due to the glut of new models getting into porn
2. When the agent says you will be taking 10 inches today make sure that doesn’t mean ten midgets with one inch cocks in a gang bang
3. The fans are usually going to like your amateur porn better than your professional videos no matter how much time you spend in make up
4. If you break your ass in an anal sex scene then getting a replacement asshole is not really an option
5. Unless you can put your legs behind your head, sit and spin on a dick going up your ass, while ramming a dildo in your pussy and whistling Dixie with another cock in your mouth then you are going to find it very competitive
6. Becoming an escort really is not a career advancement opportunity no matter how they try and sell the idea
7. Your well being and worth will be measured in ratio to the amount of cash they are making off of you
8. Getting paid your “day rate” doesn’t mean much when you have to perform ten sex scenes in a single day – those days should be called your “Month rate” because you won’t want to have sex for a month after one of those days.
9. The agent will promise to make you a star but forgets to mention that in the wild and wacky world of porn that “stars” are oftentimes so explosively tempered as to go supernova and blow up so dense they become a black hole and end up pulling down and crushing an entire universe of friends and family.
10. You don’t need an agent to make money from your amateur porn with Homegrown Video!

The agencies that represent porn models are mostly in Los Angeles which of course makes sense since that is where most of the work is. You sent them your pictures and told them about making some amateur porn and selling it to Homegrown Video.

“Forget that” they tell you as they insinuate that doing amateur porn is for suckers and pump you up with the idea of what it means to be a porn star, the money, the fans, the travel, the more money. Should you worry about having already made some homemade sex videos? Those were fun to do but what if they hurt your shot at the big time? What if no one wants to hire you because now everyone sees you as just being “amateur”?

“Don’t worry about that.” The agent tells you. “Producers will hire you if you know how to take cock.” He says. There is a very pregnant silence, interrupted only by the sound of his zipper being pulled down. You boyfriend was told to wait outside while the interview was being conducted. You could walk out now. You could stay and suck the agents cock. How much did you spend on the trip to Los Angeles? How much is the hotel you are staying at until you get a place and the career gets going? You want to be a porn star; this must be the first test on the road to stardom. Is sucking a dick really sex? Why not? Probably all the other girls, whose pictures adorn every wall in the office, had to do the same thing. So why not.

You are a porn star. So you might as well show him what porn stars can do. A small smile tells the agent all he needs to know. He turns his chair to give you better access to his hard cock and you drop to your knees…

When the family found out you made a homemade sex tape and sent it to a company like Homegrown Video, sure, there was a lot of drama. But was it any worse than the time when you were caught sneaking out of the house at 15 to go get into that college frat party and got so drunk that that the ambulance had to take you to the hospital which is where you found out that some frat bastard roofied you and you were most likely gangbanged by the entire frat? (Lucky the ‘rents never found out about that part) Well, not really, at least now you are too old to be grounded and being out on your own and paying your own bills so who are they to say what you can or cannot do? So what really are the consequences going to be?

Well, forget about that bid for the presidency… Running the country doesn’t sound like fun anyway. And even being head of the PTA is so far off the radar right now because having kids soon is pretty much out of the question. There might be other negative aspects, but you can’t really think of any.

Time to focus on the career.

But being in amateur porn is never going to make you a star so time to start weighing the prospects. Have to go where the money is so Los Angeles, here you come!

Your boyfriend is ok with the idea as long  as you stick to the plan. The plan is this:

Girl on girl scenes only – unless the two of you can work together, in which case . No anal sex. No black guys. (your bf’s idea but you will go along with it to keep him happy but it isn’t like you really have a problem with it, in fact, the idea actually excites you but you aren’t about to tell you bf that because it would just freak him right the fuck out…).

So one person told another person that told two more and now, somehow, your family found out you made an amateur porn titled “Two Cocks, One Gaping Asshole“. Parents are not speaking to you. Family is ashamed. Some friends are asking you where they can check it out while others others are asking you “what the fuck were you thinking?” but then going and trying to find a copy so they can watch it too.

So taking a tally of the situation you come up with the following pluses and minuses to deal with how divided you are about whether or not it was a good idea to do it in the first place.

On the plus side, yes, when you and your best friend and lover-for-life made it, well, that turned out to be some of the best sex you ever had, mind blowing, earth shattering, second coming, an orgasm to echo through all time by the magic of digital reproduction. Then, getting paid for it was awesome! The money meant everything at the time because rent money doesn’t grow on trees but  it does grow on nice hairy bushes. (Not having to shave the pussy for that month was also a perk, come to think of it). For one day filled with a few hours of fun and fucking, stuffing the buns with sausage, you made more than you would in an entire month stuffing buns with sausages at that Weinerschnitzel job. The free time meant you were able to spend more time with friends, although the ones that didn’t approve of the homemade sex tapes aren’t really talking to  you, but  they must not really be friends anyway. What is their problem anyway? C’mon, it’s just sex and none of us would be here if there weren’t any. What could be so bad about watching people have sex? Well, figuring out who the real friends are is actually another plus anyway.

Now… on the minus side…

You sure it was me?

not someone that looks like me?

in amateur porn?

People always wonder about anyone that ever makes amateur sex videos, “What would you do or say if your family found out?” As someone that made a video and sent it to Homegrown Video and as the owner now of the company that I sent the video to, I am very familiar with it. Like everyone else, I had to answer that question too just like the Sphinx of Thebes. If you don’t answer it well then, well, you might as well consider yourself dead because that is what you will be to most of the people that you know and thought up until that moment loved you for being you.

When I was much younger, in my early teens, at that age when you do the things you aren’t supposed to do and trying out things you were told to avoid, a friend of the family gave me some older brotherly advice that served me well. “Everything you do, count on it getting back to your parents; don’t think it won’t get back to them, so prepare yourself for what you would say on that fateful day when they find out that you are doing something that they don’t approve of. ”

Fatalistic words and a gloomy prospect but I had to acknowledge the wisdom and come to terms with it, not necessarily of course because I wanted to but because I had to… Because, I will be damned if it wasn’t a few months later that I was caught drying a weed plant  in my closet. So, that sold it, the price of knowledge was paid in the coin of shame of stupidity. But, I was prepared. I don’t remember the exact text of my before I get my ass handed to me and grounded for a year speech, it essentially boiled down to, “this is what I do because I am going to do what I am going to do whatever you do to me”.

He was right. Having a reason was in fact perhaps the first sign of being reasonable which was a good mark of moving toward adulthood and away from from being crazy as a bag of cats. So when I got into making amateur porn, knowing  the videos go out into a huge but still finite universe of people that might actually see it…

and recognize me…

…and tell my family and then not elect me as a future President of the United States, I was prepared. Sort of.

One night my mother called when I had been doing amateur sex videos and selling them for almost a year as well as performing in some Los Angeles Porn Valley porn that invariably was ending up on cable networks and in hotel and motel rooms across the country. “My neighbor is on a business trip and he just called me and says he thinks he saw you on television, were you on television?”

I could honestly answer that I did not think so but of course I did have my suspicions. Business trip. In those days people didn’t all have laptops and internet access meant download a single image that would take ten hours to load so business trips were naturally a convenient and reasonably anonymous way to get some porn. There was a strong chance he had seen me on a hotel adult video channel.

I took a night to sleep on it.

“Mom, I have some stuff to tell you. I just got busted for weed. I  do amateur sex videos… And we are going to have a baby.”

“A baby!” She said. It took about three more days before we got around to the amateur porn and the grass but I was ready for those by then.

1. You had to make amateur porn in order to pay for puppy chow to save starving Pomeranians in Spain.
2. The US Government asked you to perform in homemade sex videos as part of an effort to undermine terrorist influence in Pasaic, NJ.
3. Making amateur porn gave you a renewed sense of duty and purpose after losing your Pomeranian puppy while  in Spain as you were assisting the Basque Resistance before being deported to Pasaic.
4. An artist needs to be able to freely express his or herself and making an amateur porn inspired a dialectical introspection that invoked a subtext of erotic revolution and provoked dissociation from the metaphysical posturing of post-modernist nihilistic  propaganda.
5. You didn’t actually make an amateur porn. That was just someone that has been trying to get you back ever since you accidentally tripped him during a dodgeball game in 5th grade and he had plastic surgery done so he could look exactly like  you and frame you to look like you make some amateur porn videos.
6. Someone told you that you looked like a million bucks and suggested making an amateur home sex video to use as a ticket to help you collect your prize money.
7. How could you be in an amateur porn video if you actually got paid for it? Doesn’t that mean you were in a professional amateur porn video instead?
8. Demand proof and then ask whomever provides an example to explain what the hell he or she is doing watching porn in the first place.
9. Explain that it seemed to do wonders for Kim Kardashian and she has a really big huge ass so even if your ass is only half as big and even if you only did half as well as a result that it would still be great.
10. Because Homegrown Video has been paying for the best real homemade style amateur porn since 1982 and your turn finally came up!

So they went about making their homemade sex videos and thought nothing of it, certainly there wasn’t much of  a chance that anyone would actually see it. After all, they came from very conservative, as in Church going and Republican voting and immigrant hating, red-blooded American stock, the kind of people that, you know… don’t ever really watch porn but just complain about it tearing apart the very fabric of civilization as we know and love it.

On the other side of town, the side with the white picket fences and the well groomed weed free yards full of manicured shrubbery, speed bumps, and the signs that say “slow when children present”, her Grandma went to church. She grabbed her hymnal. She took her communion. She prayed on cue and did everything by the Good Book just like the good Pastor encouraged them all to do. And when the service ended, Grandma made her way outside to make pleasantries with the rest of the flock. Then she noticed the stares…

Was something wrong with her dress? Her hair? Why were they looking at her like that? Then her friend that she occasionally called upon to help with the yearly food drives came up to her. Grandma smiled but the smile wasn’t returned. “What’s the matter?” She wondered…

Her friend was nodding her head side to side with a tsk tsk, a scowl, a sneer, and a frown. “What’s the matter?” Grandma couldn’t figure it out.

“I hope you are not ok with your granddaughter being in those pornographic movies! I don’t think people that do that sort of thing really belong in this congregation.”

Of course, Grandma wasn’t prepared for that so she really had nothing to say otherwise she might have sought to discover the source for such an allegation. (Her friend’s son saw it on the internet but of course he would never admit that and preferred saying that he heard it from a friend who was into that sort of thing, not that he approved, since those kind of people that make those “amateur porn movies” are not the kind of people he would ever associate with… except in utter secrecy and in the privacy of his  home while watching them fuck online in an amateur sex video – HEY – why isn’t that the granddaughter of my mom’s church buddy!)

The next time will be different. After all, one should always learn from their mistakes… Even if that means learning to make new mistakes.

Here is where we find our super-earnest sexually eager couple trying to make some homemade sex tapes; the first try was fun. A blast. A facial cum shot shy of being perfect. It was a ripe wet tomato on the vine of good ol’ fashioned free spirited sex play but plucked a moment too soon only to miss the staple fruit of porn‘s cornucopia, the money shot.

It happens.

You got so caught up the moment. He pulled out of your wet mouth, your pouting lips were puffy from such a long blow job that your jaw damn near locked in a cramp that would have meant being on a liquid diet sucked through a straw for a month or two. You rubbed his hard cock and tickled his balls until he blasted forth a load of hot cum with such force that your hair blew back and your cheeks rippled. Lucky you didn’t get it in the eyeball otherwise you would be running around with an eye patch like a pirate aboard the good ship “Woes of the Ho’s” singing shanties like “Pull the dick about lubber” and “Heave the boobs ashore”

So back to the board, in this case, the bed board. Trying to get it right is half the fun. Should the camera go here to see how you suck my cock? If you hold the camera and lean back then you can get a great closeup of your dick while you’re fucking me. Put it on the tripod for a while so we can just get wild! Practice, practice, practice. And the effort is paying off, already you can now play back the footage and watch it for the sheer horny pleasure of it all. (hell yes, people could jack off to us!) You don’t feel so critical of where the action is in the frame, or how good the lighting is, or how the make up holds up when the ass fucking starts to get sweaty. This is looking good!

No.

This is looking great! The best amateur porn ever shot on the face of the Earth, this is the ticket to a future of fun and frolic and a million days of orgasmic bliss in the great comfort of well paid financial stability and it has just been stamped “one-way” to a stop called “Success”. Now the locomotive of lust is in motion, pulling a heavy freight of burden best weighed well in advance of leaving the station. What if the video is bought up and published… to dvd… well there are tons of dvds out there… to internet… more porn sites than even imaginable, an ever expanding universe of choices… to television and cable… millions of homes but who watches porn on tv these days? So how could anyone possibly see it? Like our family – no way in hell that Grandma is ever going to find out about this. She can barely even send and email so how can she ever find out? Dad, well he still thinks Playboy is porn so why would he see it on TV? No.The only people that stand a chance of seeing your amateur porn movie are people that are into watching amateur porn. Kindred spirits. And they are not going to have a problem with it…

The first effort at making a sexy homemade sex tape goes something like this:

There is a rush of excitement; even figuring out where and how to set up the camera feels like foreplay. Looking through the view finder they see themselves, detached yet absorbed; standing and looking through the camera makes them voyeurs as they watch themselves acting in ways that brings out something completely different, unleashed hidden desires previously restrained, making them strangers to themselves. The friction of cool anticipation rubbing against hot desire gives the moment a spark of mischief and ignites passions normally cached deep within the imagination, behind the senses, and in the sensual and carnal place where the libido sits like a cat with a tail twitching. The camera is a faceless and passive observer, capturing a moment of private lust, perfect sexuality, sex for the sake of sex, horny, fucking freestyle fucking for the sake of fuckity-fuck-fucking.  They become someone else, something else, the way putting on a mask at Halloween permits a secret side to cavort publicly, showing off for the nameless and faceless folks they imagine will soon be watching their homemade sex video.

Producing. Directing. Starring in their own amateur fuck film, the moment takes them to a place where they can act out fantasies and make them reality. She never wanted a shower of cum in her face before. Now she begs for it like a superstar, a diva with precious demands for a sparkling pearl necklace of shiny hot cum, Gloria Swanson telling Cecil B DeMille she is ready for her close up. She wants him to pull his hard cock out of her wet mouth. She wants to grab his dick and jack it off to catch it all… so the camera can catch it all.

But one hitch.

When they replay the action back to see what happened they realize that the camera didn’t move. Sitting on the tripod like crutches, the camera couldn’t follow the action when they bounced off the ceiling and fell off the bed as the flames of passion sent them running and screwing each other from one end of the bedroom to the other. Too bad, that would have been some amazing action to capture. How is a company like Homegrown going to pay money if there is no money shot?

Oh well. No harm trying again. In fact, they are looking forward to it.