Ahhh... the great outdoors just got greater

Homegrown is lucky to once again be honored with several titles and series nominated for porn‘s equivalent of an Oscar… but in this case more like an Oscar Meier Wiener since it is a celebration of the phallic slick as liquid sex lube porn industry. The beauty of the AVN celebration is that it is so tongue in cheek… ass cheek that is. Anyone that can appreciate the humor and irony in an award for “best anal sex scene” or “best non-sex performance in an all sex movie” would get a kick out of it. In the good old days more than a few of the attendees sitting at their dinner tables were getting blowjobs or having their pussies licked while award after award, you have never seen an awards show with more award categories, after award was called out and accepted by starlets and studs that were three cum stained bed sheets to the wind already and slurring their way through thank you’s and fuck you’s (you have never seen a more honest, direct, and uncensored acceptance speech). Ahh, the good ol’ fucking days!

Now everyone is so big business and corporate and stuffy with the puffed up notion that the industry is so firmly part of mainstream entertainment that it has lost some of that old school anarchy and liberation that it used to conjure. On the night when I was receiving my Hall of Fame award I sat next to a starlet that tipped her nose at me for a comment I made about the humor of it all, the seriousness of its un-seriousness, the idea that we could give awards away for hottest milf sex scene or best gang bang performance etc. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days? You know, that time when people still had sex for fun and making porn was a way of saying “hedonism can work for you too!”

Sienna is what you want for XXXmas

At Homegrown Video, in the spirit of the holiday season, here are ten celebrity sex tapes that we would ask Santa to set up and capture on video and make sure they are really nice and naughty…

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie… and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but only the ones that are over 18 and eligible to participate by age in an amateur sex video because that would just be one helluva good gang bang with a cumshot chorus.

2. Kim Kardashian’s mom, because she is pretty much hotter than any of the daughters and obviously loves the process of what it takes to start making a baby… but only for anal because we don’t need any more of those frigging kids running around making bad reality tv.

3.  Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin in their very first lesbian porn tryst because it is time to give piece of ass a chance and see what all that same sex fuss is really all about.

4. The Green Bay Packers vs the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders; despite the single loss so far this season, the Packers would have a chance to prove why they are called the “packers” and really field some plays in the Dallas Cheerleader end zones. Hot stuff. Make sure the Gatorade cooler is full of lube…

5. Tom Cruise in a “See, I am not really gay” homemade sex tape with his wife… what was her name again? I asked him and he didn’t remember either.

6. Bill Clinton in a “to all the girls I have ever fucked” special tribute sex tape with all of his former lovers and with Hillary giving him a nice sloppy bj at the end to remind him why they stayed together all these years.

7. Lindsey Lohan and Megan Fox wearing strap on dildos and fucking director Micheal Bay in the ass in tandem while they tell him everything they hate about big loud stupid manipulative repetitive Hollywood drivel paint by numbers action films.

8. Betty White proving once and for all that age and experience and a very high sex drive really do keep you looking young, well… not necessarily young, but hot enough to keep the casting couch warm enough to stay employed in a town as tough as Tinseltown.

9. Linda Carter, former “wonder woman” star and famous model with really awesome huge natural tits doing a GGW style tape – even though she may be old enough now to be your grandma she still looks better than most skanky ho bags a third her age.

10. Homegrown Video getting a video sent in by a masked couple that actually turns out to be… Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell! (They wore masks because they didn’t want anyone to judge them…)

In 1982, Homegrown Video became the first company to distribute homemade sex videos and changed the entire landscape of adult videos forever. Before Youtube made everyone a producer, director, and star of their own movies just as Steven Spielberg once predicted the access to video cameras would change the world of movie-making, Homegrown Video put the power of being a porn star in the hands, and private parts, of the masses. The effort was grassroots, and like grass, when it caught fire it spread quickly to change the entire face of porn. Even professional high glamour companies, from Playboy to Vivid et. al., began to offer amateur stylized productions.

Homegrown paved the way for “gonzo” and “reality” porn, offspring of amateur porn. It laid the foundation for celebrity sex tapes, from Tanya Harding through Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Homegrown Video made making a homemade sex video fun and more importantly – normal – and even sort of acceptable in a mischievously naughty sort of way. If your next door neighbor might be doing it, then people didn’t have to feel so weird about themselves enjoying this form of entertainment. In this way, Homegrown Video helped bring porn out of the shadows in San Fernando valley, and into the bright light of mainstream consciousness.

Homegrown Video did not stop shaping the landscape there either and continued to innovate by digging down into what customers really wanted, then building mountains of content to satisfy them specifically. Focusing on niche themed fare in the days before the internet became a what it is today, Homegrown launched series like “CreamPie Club” and “Natural Bush” that addressed exactly what customers were looking for in their porn and catered to niches that had previously been completely neglected. As one fan once wrote, “Now I don’t have to keep watching movies shot in 1970 if I want to see hairy pussies”.

Just as Apple’s i-Tunes changed the way people listen to music, Homegrown Video changed the way people look at porn. Not only that, it changed the way people look in porn. Eric Schlosser, the author of “Fast Food Nation”, says in his book “Reefer Madness” that “Made by the people, for the people, Homegrown Video represents the democracy of porn”. Today, the face of porn is no longer necessarily a blond busty beauty with big fake boobs; it might be a housewife in Ohio, or a privileged socialite, a big beautiful woman or a skinny young co-ed with a very hairy pussy, thanks to Homegrown Video’s impact on the world of porn.

No ass make up needed here!

Since Ing seemed to be on the verge of tears and totally freaked out about having to apply concealer to some porn girls pimply ass, I really didn’t want to push her over the edge and say something like “what the fuck did you expect?” I could understand where she might of thought that doing make-up on a porn shoot would only entail trying to make the girls look their best and not mean in fact that she was going to be painting the tail ends of girls getting ready for anal reamings. I recommended that her boyfriend Spark handle the ass make up since it certainly wouldn’t be something I would expect him to have a problem with and as a graphic artist he would have the necessary skills to blend any colors necessary to make those butts look good. Ing liked the idea which was cool because I could easily have seen her getting jealous about it. Luckily that was not the case because she was willing to take that chance more than she was willing to rub some model’s naked ass with  a sponge of cake make-up. Good to know your limitations when it comes to stuff like this…

So, of course, making porn is still show biz and the sex show must go on. Ing went back to her loft. Vivid was renting both our lofts out for the shoot and that meant more of everything. More girls. More grips. More suitcase pimps. More catering. More director – assistant directors – assistants to the assistants. More craziness. And of course more of Ron Jeremy hanging around waiting for his scenes to be shot. Ing came back over for a report.

She stood there staring at me. I couldn’t tell if she was going to kill me or cry me a river even while the sun of good fortune and easy money was shining brightly on her and making it so she could harvest enough cash to pay rent. Shadows from the clouds of emotion passed by reflecting each shade of expression so quickly.  Kill. Look, that one floating by looks just like a crazy guy with a knife. Cry. That one looks like a baby… being dropped. Kill. Cry. Kill. Probably everyone is asking her why she doesn’t do porn…

Ing is a gorgeous girl… but innocent as the lamb that ended up on the dinner table slathered in mint jelly.

“Everything ok?” I asked. Ing was from a good family, deeply religious, and had led a life very sheltered from the weirdness of things like the porn industry. I knew she was being immersed in a world that was completely alien and somewhat intimidating to those with any sort of prudish bent, which Ing certainly is – straight as the crucifix on top of the steeple. The sight of naked people walking around completely unconcerned as if LA was actually the Garden of Eden freaked her out, but she had weathered it so far. She was even cool with Ron Jeremy sleeping the day away on her couch… until she got close enough to realize, to her horror… he had B.O.

“He smells.” She said with a look of potent disgust cinching her lip to try and constrict her nostrils from any further abuse. “I am going to have to get a new couch! Do you think Vivid will pay for it?”

You don’t get to be Vivid if you buy everyone a couch. Of course, by the same token, everyone should surmise with a smidgen of forethought that couches on porn sets should be roped off with Hazardous Waste KEEP OUT tape. I would have laughed except I realized that she was completely serious.

One of the first things you do learn about renting your place out for a film production is the money you make is like the money you make going to the local Indian Casino. Things might go very smoothly, you have a great time, and walk to the bank with an easy check to cash. Or the opposite. What felt like a win at the time you were having all the fun is actually a loss when you reconcile everything later after the fun and the booze wear off. You get a check but it will barely cover the expense of the carpet the grip lit on fire with the cigarette that he should not have been smoking, nor will it cover the long distance calls the distraught starlet made to her suitcase pimp boyfriend that is still back in Ohio taking care of his court dates, you won’t get reimbursed for the couch that was permanently stained by the toxic jizz the stud launched for a facial but missed because he was too busy trying to jack himself off and couldn’t see where he was spewing with his eyes closed to concentrate on getting off. Of course, I warned Ing and Spark of all of that, but risks be damned, they needed the money to make back rent before the landlords served them with an eviction.

So, if they were going to let porn be shot in their studio then they had to take their chances, including letting Ron “the hedge hog” himself burrow into their couch for one of his infamous power naps that most speculated was actually mild narcolepsy.

They had to be prepared for anything.

Ing had also worked herself in to do make up for the shoot too. That turned out to be the first sign that not everything was going to be going as smoothly as I had hoped. Ing ran into our studio. She looked distraught but seemed to be holding herself together well enough to ask a question.

“I don’t know what to do.” She asked.

“About what?” I replied as casually as possible to try and foster a sense of peace and tranquility.

“Make up.” Ing said. Strange, she worked for a cosmetics company and had done make up for mainstream feature films in LA so that was not really what I expected from her.

“What about it? Do you need supplies?” Supportive. Concerned. Helpful.

“No, I have everything I need.” She was fidgeting and nervous.

“What is the problem then?”

“They want me to put make up on her ass to cover up pimples – I have never done that – I didn’t expect to have to do that – I don’t know if I am comfortable with that – I don’t know what to do!” She looked like she was going to cry any second.

“Well…” I guess I didn’t really know what to say to that. Anything coming to mind was going to sound callused and un-sympathetic. Sex videos have naked people in them; that is just a fact, and naked people sometimes have pimply  asses that require make up to hide those unsightly blemishes. Just be glad you aren’t going to be the one picking up the anal condoms afterwards, honey… I was thinking…

"But this is my 'O' face..."

When you have been so deeply immersed in the wild and wacky world of amateur porn as long as I have,  you learn a few things, actually, you learn a lot of things – in fact, probably something new every day about not just the way that people make homemade sex videos but  about so much more. You learn about mores, and trends, and fascinations, naked truths and personalities laid bare by circumstance and circumspect opinions, prejudices, fixations, proclivities, of private matters and public concerns. You learn a lot, including volumes of useless trivia you won’t even be able to use in a game of “Trivial Pursuits”.

You learn the exact day when amateur porn stopped being amateur.

The sky didn’t exactly fall. Fissures in the Earth did not suddenly open and whole cities cave into a great cataclysm. However, sadly enough, and perhaps just as catastrophic, a bit of fun did escape out to dissipate in the atmosphere and disappear from the planet forever. On August 12, 1984, at exactly 3:00 pm, Martha and Timothy Appleton decided to produce a homemade sex video for no other reason than they were trying to make enough money to replace the ottoman in the living room; the cat had so mercilessly used the original one as a scratch pad.

One of my favorite Homegrown Video housewives is a swinger mom who worked as a fitness expert and trainer by day, even working with some of San Diego’s pro athletes.  Shauntee is truly an amateur porn superstar and the kind of woman that put the “home” in Homegrown Video, meaning her scenes for us burned down the house, brought it all home for good, and homed in on exactly what we like to see in an amateur sex video. Completely uninhibited and unashamed she loved to make homemade sex videos for all the right reasons.

She literally got off on imagining people watching her fuck on video. Yes, she wore a wig to hide her identity. After all, she had her kids and her day job to be concerned with but she was not going to let that stop her from sucking and fucking for the camera. She had her husband’s blessing and acceptance that he could only handle so much… and she needed more… sex. Literally insatiable, when she shot for Homegrown she was up for anything.

Cock in the ass? Ok, why not? Two guys for a DP? Ok. Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, oh my! She had done the swing scene in San Diego and loved it all.  Homegrown Video was the next logical step in making all her fantasies come true.

Housewife by day, harlot by night

Real housewives love sex

You can tell the way they act

At least on tv…

vote for Sassy!

Some amateur sex video fans have always been politically active – the hairy pussy fans come to mind first and foremost. I think because they were such an oppressed segment of the market for such a long time, they had to bond together to be pro-active and take action against the inequity of being forced to watch old 70’s porn classics in order to see some hairy pussy for so long. They formed clubs, unions, ways to collectively bargain and demand greater satisfaction from video companies. One company that heard them loud and clear and was willing to champion their cause was Homegrown Video.

Homegrown stepped up and said “If you want to see more hairy cunts then by the grace of the Gillette razor company we intend to bring you hairier pussies!” Homegrown entered “Natural Bush” as a candidate for best release devoted to the hairy beaver niche and it was a winner that still holds official bragging rights to this day, earning Homegrown Video a prestigious “best niche studio” award from Xbiz.

The Homegrown Video website is unique in many ways but one of the less titillating but no less stimulating ways that it puts a new spin on user satisfaction embraces the democratic principles inspired by those revolutionary hairy pussy fans. Homegrown allows members the right to vote on upcoming updates so the members actually have a voice in what gets posted on the site.

Homegrown Video stands for TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the RIGHT TO HAIRY PUSSY amateur porn!

Now that is a hairy bush!

Reach out and touch someone!

If celebrities and socialites can boost their pr by doing amateur porn, then why can’t politicians do it too? We all know people love MILFS and who better than a couple of the best milf politicians to make an amateur sex tape for Homegrown Video than a hot lesbian milf scene featuring Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. Sure, we know that they both have professed a zealous hatred of porn and have vowed to ruin the industry if elected but, c’mon, we all know that means that in private they are huge fans and probably get off on the most twisted stuff that would completely terrify moderates. Of course, Homegrown wouldn’t be able to accept any videos of them pooping on Democrats and liberals – we would have to ask them to tone it down from that sort of thing. However, if they wanted to have a threesome where the two of them tag teamed a Dem while wearing strap on dildos would be ok. We are not party affiliated so one party’s butthole is the same as the other as far as we are concerned.

You can almost hear Sarah chanting “Drill baby, drill!” right?

Now I know what you are saying… Wouldn’t Michelle’s husband have to step in and “cure” his wife of her lesbian pussy licking tendencies if she was getting her freak on with Sarah? Well, yes, sure, that would require some discipline. He would have to whip their asses with a riding crop to punish them for being wicked little sluts and correct them by making them crawl around with a couple of clothespins stuck on their nipples while he smacked their cherry red tushies mercilessly. There is only one way to make America strong again!

Remember… A deficit of sex will undermine the confidence of people invested in making America sexy again!