People always wonder about anyone that ever makes amateur sex videos, “What would you do or say if your family found out?” As someone that made a video and sent it to Homegrown Video and as the owner now of the company that I sent the video to, I am very familiar with it. Like everyone else, I had to answer that question too just like the Sphinx of Thebes. If you don’t answer it well then, well, you might as well consider yourself dead because that is what you will be to most of the people that you know and thought up until that moment loved you for being you.

When I was much younger, in my early teens, at that age when you do the things you aren’t supposed to do and trying out things you were told to avoid, a friend of the family gave me some older brotherly advice that served me well. “Everything you do, count on it getting back to your parents; don’t think it won’t get back to them, so prepare yourself for what you would say on that fateful day when they find out that you are doing something that they don’t approve of. ”

Fatalistic words and a gloomy prospect but I had to acknowledge the wisdom and come to terms with it, not necessarily of course because I wanted to but because I had to… Because, I will be damned if it wasn’t a few months later that I was caught drying a weed plant  in my closet. So, that sold it, the price of knowledge was paid in the coin of shame of stupidity. But, I was prepared. I don’t remember the exact text of my before I get my ass handed to me and grounded for a year speech, it essentially boiled down to, “this is what I do because I am going to do what I am going to do whatever you do to me”.

He was right. Having a reason was in fact perhaps the first sign of being reasonable which was a good mark of moving toward adulthood and away from from being crazy as a bag of cats. So when I got into making amateur porn, knowing  the videos go out into a huge but still finite universe of people that might actually see it…

and recognize me…

…and tell my family and then not elect me as a future President of the United States, I was prepared. Sort of.

One night my mother called when I had been doing amateur sex videos and selling them for almost a year as well as performing in some Los Angeles Porn Valley porn that invariably was ending up on cable networks and in hotel and motel rooms across the country. “My neighbor is on a business trip and he just called me and says he thinks he saw you on television, were you on television?”

I could honestly answer that I did not think so but of course I did have my suspicions. Business trip. In those days people didn’t all have laptops and internet access meant download a single image that would take ten hours to load so business trips were naturally a convenient and reasonably anonymous way to get some porn. There was a strong chance he had seen me on a hotel adult video channel.

I took a night to sleep on it.

“Mom, I have some stuff to tell you. I just got busted for weed. I  do amateur sex videos… And we are going to have a baby.”

“A baby!” She said. It took about three more days before we got around to the amateur porn and the grass but I was ready for those by then.

1. You had to make amateur porn in order to pay for puppy chow to save starving Pomeranians in Spain.
2. The US Government asked you to perform in homemade sex videos as part of an effort to undermine terrorist influence in Pasaic, NJ.
3. Making amateur porn gave you a renewed sense of duty and purpose after losing your Pomeranian puppy while  in Spain as you were assisting the Basque Resistance before being deported to Pasaic.
4. An artist needs to be able to freely express his or herself and making an amateur porn inspired a dialectical introspection that invoked a subtext of erotic revolution and provoked dissociation from the metaphysical posturing of post-modernist nihilistic  propaganda.
5. You didn’t actually make an amateur porn. That was just someone that has been trying to get you back ever since you accidentally tripped him during a dodgeball game in 5th grade and he had plastic surgery done so he could look exactly like  you and frame you to look like you make some amateur porn videos.
6. Someone told you that you looked like a million bucks and suggested making an amateur home sex video to use as a ticket to help you collect your prize money.
7. How could you be in an amateur porn video if you actually got paid for it? Doesn’t that mean you were in a professional amateur porn video instead?
8. Demand proof and then ask whomever provides an example to explain what the hell he or she is doing watching porn in the first place.
9. Explain that it seemed to do wonders for Kim Kardashian and she has a really big huge ass so even if your ass is only half as big and even if you only did half as well as a result that it would still be great.
10. Because Homegrown Video has been paying for the best real homemade style amateur porn since 1982 and your turn finally came up!

So they went about making their homemade sex videos and thought nothing of it, certainly there wasn’t much of  a chance that anyone would actually see it. After all, they came from very conservative, as in Church going and Republican voting and immigrant hating, red-blooded American stock, the kind of people that, you know… don’t ever really watch porn but just complain about it tearing apart the very fabric of civilization as we know and love it.

On the other side of town, the side with the white picket fences and the well groomed weed free yards full of manicured shrubbery, speed bumps, and the signs that say “slow when children present”, her Grandma went to church. She grabbed her hymnal. She took her communion. She prayed on cue and did everything by the Good Book just like the good Pastor encouraged them all to do. And when the service ended, Grandma made her way outside to make pleasantries with the rest of the flock. Then she noticed the stares…

Was something wrong with her dress? Her hair? Why were they looking at her like that? Then her friend that she occasionally called upon to help with the yearly food drives came up to her. Grandma smiled but the smile wasn’t returned. “What’s the matter?” She wondered…

Her friend was nodding her head side to side with a tsk tsk, a scowl, a sneer, and a frown. “What’s the matter?” Grandma couldn’t figure it out.

“I hope you are not ok with your granddaughter being in those pornographic movies! I don’t think people that do that sort of thing really belong in this congregation.”

Of course, Grandma wasn’t prepared for that so she really had nothing to say otherwise she might have sought to discover the source for such an allegation. (Her friend’s son saw it on the internet but of course he would never admit that and preferred saying that he heard it from a friend who was into that sort of thing, not that he approved, since those kind of people that make those “amateur porn movies” are not the kind of people he would ever associate with… except in utter secrecy and in the privacy of his  home while watching them fuck online in an amateur sex video – HEY – why isn’t that the granddaughter of my mom’s church buddy!)

The next time will be different. After all, one should always learn from their mistakes… Even if that means learning to make new mistakes.

Here is where we find our super-earnest sexually eager couple trying to make some homemade sex tapes; the first try was fun. A blast. A facial cum shot shy of being perfect. It was a ripe wet tomato on the vine of good ol’ fashioned free spirited sex play but plucked a moment too soon only to miss the staple fruit of porn‘s cornucopia, the money shot.

It happens.

You got so caught up the moment. He pulled out of your wet mouth, your pouting lips were puffy from such a long blow job that your jaw damn near locked in a cramp that would have meant being on a liquid diet sucked through a straw for a month or two. You rubbed his hard cock and tickled his balls until he blasted forth a load of hot cum with such force that your hair blew back and your cheeks rippled. Lucky you didn’t get it in the eyeball otherwise you would be running around with an eye patch like a pirate aboard the good ship “Woes of the Ho’s” singing shanties like “Pull the dick about lubber” and “Heave the boobs ashore”

So back to the board, in this case, the bed board. Trying to get it right is half the fun. Should the camera go here to see how you suck my cock? If you hold the camera and lean back then you can get a great closeup of your dick while you’re fucking me. Put it on the tripod for a while so we can just get wild! Practice, practice, practice. And the effort is paying off, already you can now play back the footage and watch it for the sheer horny pleasure of it all. (hell yes, people could jack off to us!) You don’t feel so critical of where the action is in the frame, or how good the lighting is, or how the make up holds up when the ass fucking starts to get sweaty. This is looking good!

No.

This is looking great! The best amateur porn ever shot on the face of the Earth, this is the ticket to a future of fun and frolic and a million days of orgasmic bliss in the great comfort of well paid financial stability and it has just been stamped “one-way” to a stop called “Success”. Now the locomotive of lust is in motion, pulling a heavy freight of burden best weighed well in advance of leaving the station. What if the video is bought up and published… to dvd… well there are tons of dvds out there… to internet… more porn sites than even imaginable, an ever expanding universe of choices… to television and cable… millions of homes but who watches porn on tv these days? So how could anyone possibly see it? Like our family – no way in hell that Grandma is ever going to find out about this. She can barely even send and email so how can she ever find out? Dad, well he still thinks Playboy is porn so why would he see it on TV? No.The only people that stand a chance of seeing your amateur porn movie are people that are into watching amateur porn. Kindred spirits. And they are not going to have a problem with it…

This story has been told a thousand times. Usually the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent. But you can recognize it, regardless, because the name is not nowhere near so important as the story. There is a version of Cinderella from every culture. The story is universal no matter what name she goes by – people will always recognize the story of a princess cast down as a waif, forced to suffer great humility and eat a ton and a half of shitburgers, then finally being discovered and saved by a prince who of course takes her away to get a new pair of shoes in a boutique called Happily-Ever-After in a place close to Disneyland.

This is that story but it is the porn version of it. Does that mean there will be ass fucking and facial cumshots? Of course!

Our tale begins in a little wood paneled bed room, somewhere in the heartland of America, where a camera light has just come on to signal recording has begun. The couple on the bed is sort of naked, a little bit tipsy from the couple glasses of wine they used to fuel the fire of lust… or drown out the nervous and final doubts about what they are going to do, making a homemade sex tape. Not just an amateur porn for themselves alone to know and watch privately and keep a secret, now the plan is to take the video and send it to a company like Homegrown Video…

(tbc)

Do you remember

her first Homegrown sex movie

now she’s a porn star

The first stage of shooting an amateur porn video is a long and winding road to actually making a homemade sex tape. “Do you want to do it?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Maybe…” “What if your mom sees me fucking you in the asshole then blasting a hot load of cum on your face?” “Good question.” “Maybe we should think about it some more…” “Yes, for sure, but it still could be fun…”

All that negotiation what to do, and excitement about what risks there are doing it, and planning for where to do it build a great deal of anticipation and enthusiasm. Then you make your first amateur sex video, it is a blast, but then you look at it afterwards and go, “well I wish we had done this or that better.” That is the end of stage one.

Stage two is making your next sex tape. Now you have an idea what shots you missed. You have a clue about where to put the camera to make it easier. And, of course, you are horny as hell because you know that sex on video is not run of the mill Saturday night and a six pack style sex, it is wild show off your freaky side sex because you know it is a chance to channel your inner porn star funky get down and boogie hardcore fucking sex type sex. Now when you review the hot fucking action that is a mindblowingly wild over the top and run through the jungle of crazy carnality video ode to the wonders of fantastic sex, you think, “We look good. We look really good. I think we could make some money doing this because people would definitely get off watching this!” Then you proceed to stage three…

Stage three is when you start contacting companies like Homegrown Video and seeing if they will buy your amateur porn footage. You show it off probably for the first time to someone besides yourselves. Now you are nervous. Will it make the grade and be the million seller blockbuster cockbuster that you knew it could be. Or will the cat walking across the bed when you were painting her face with cum be a distraction from the intimacy and dramatic  intrigue of the moment?

So you break through to stage four, here you begin to hone your production skills, your business sense, and you branch out to find more places to sell your amateur sex videos, and the prices go up, and the sexual boundaries are expanded. Maybe new fellow sex fiends are found to participate, or maybe you try sex acts like anal out to give the videos extra bang, bang, fuck, fuck. Now you are banging out scenes like crazy, but one problem, now it is a job and everyone knows that jobs have some good days and some bad days but at the end of any of those days one might echo that bumper sticker sentiment, “A bad day of golf, fishing, bowling, whatever is better than a good day of work”. Unfortunately now you are in for a penny, in for a pounding, and you have to go on but some of the fun is gone because now it is just another hard day at the orifice. Welcome to being a porn professional! Now go out and get the job done! There are horny people out there that need to jerk off…

1. Tongue push ups. This is great for improving endurance and stamina during excessively long blow jobs, the kind of dick sucking marathon that really says “I love you” or “This must be steak and blowjob day”. Recline in such a way that you are able to balance a frozen banana on the tip of your tongue while humming “row your boat”. Hold the position for 10 minutes total with 15 seconds rest each minute making sure to massage your jaw during rest cycles

2. Anal Pilates. Lubricate your asshole generously then sit on a bottle of coca cola until you feel the stretch. Clench for thirty seconds while holding your breath then expel your breath from the diaphragm. Be careful not to inhale abruptly which may result in having to explain to ER why you have a coke bottle up your ass.

3. Ball Busters. Heavy duty hardcore fucking requires great stamina, concentration, and a measure of gonad patience to prevent prematurely busting a nut. Watch one hour of Homegrown Video amateur porn and masturbate but stop every time you approach orgasm until your balls are blue. Make sure to take at least two days of rest after each ball busting work out or risk serious injury. Consult with a doctor to make sure you are fit enough for this exercise.

4. Dick sprints. Some people have the opposite condition from Premature Ejaculation, namely, they cannot cum even after prolonged fucking and sucking. This can result in partners becoming possibly bored and potentially frustrated which is not conducive to mutual pleasure. For this we recommend dick sprints. Masturbate to Homegrown Video amateur homemade sex videos only start them five seconds before the cumshot and finish jerking off at the same time as the video sex scene.

5. Breaststroke. Not the swimming stroke but actually stroking the breasts. This is best performed with a partner to assist. No. Seriously. I mean it. He gets… I mean You Get a lot more out of it in the long run.

6. Cumshot shooter practice. This is a great exercise for developing your aim and is very meditative and good for your hardcore sexual encounters that result in facial cumshots. Many times, you absolutely do not want to come in your partners eye especially if you have repeatedly promised not to. Getting good aim when you are wildly busting your nut on someone’s face involves an inner concentration and zen-like state to transcend the “I don’t care where I spurt” lack of concern that sometimes prevails in weaker willed individuals.

7. Pussy Shadow Boxing. Using a dildo, penetrate your cunt and quickly punch, jab, and poke at your pussy while rolling your hips to dodge, lunge, and shift your position favorably, make sure to massage your clit if necessary to fight off fatigue.

8. Cock pull ups. Firmly grab your dick and pull up and push down on it until you ejaculate. Be careful to apply lubrication in order to avoid painful callouses.

9. Jumping Jack-offs. Jump up and down while masturbating to get a nice aerobic exercise that will also work out your sex organs.

10. Homegrown Video Marathon. Make a Homegrown Video amateur sex video and record at least four straight hours of sexual activity.

The massive archival project to unearth the best amateur porn nuggets recovers this week from a mine collapse that practically claimed the livelihoods of several workers. They were tasked with digging into the immense mountain of rock solid shot at home sex tapes, finding diamonds in the rough chiseled from homemade sex tapes that are the bedrock of amateur porn. Here they hoped to discover the clarity of sincerity and sparkle of personality that radiates so perfectly in true Homegrown Videos, the source of homemade porn’s equivalent of the Hope Diamond. Going deep into the core of Homegrown’s incredibly dense library to mine the quality footage for archiving and restoring to the best video standards available today, the workers were overwhelmed by a sudden collapse of the adjoining main goldmine of brand new sexy amateur videos.

Under pressure from the wealth of new material that has been pouring in, the Homegrown Video library became precariously large which appears to have created the conditions for the collapse. Local inspectors and company owners project that operations will be fully restored in the first quarter of 2012. Work has already resumed in many of the best tunnels of homemade loving.

Once upon a time…

In a place not so far away, not so long ago either, but actually maybe as close as your neighbor’s house only yesterday, cameras are rolling on carousing couples caroming around on their beds, fucking like rabbits…. if in fact Bugs Bunny was a porn star ready for his close up, tongue in both cheeks, what’s up your orifice doc, loony times for sexy lunatics not concerned with anyone seeing them in all their naked horny splendor. Amateur sex videos were, are, and will be recorded and saved then produced and reproduced for many others to watch. But something is different, there is a change, subtle yet distinct, all one has to do is look at the way those self made porn videos used to look compared to how they look today.

It isn’t just that the hairstyles have changed. And it doesn’t matter that not too many people wear elastic head sweat bands and neon lime green lycra body suits any more, because we are not talking superficial and cosmetic differences such as those. Let’s face it… sex hasn’t really changed all that much in quite a few years either when you really get to thinking about it. Yes the technology to shoot homemade sex videos and edit them has improved but what is truly the difference?

What has changed is the ability of the people shooting them. So many years of people possessing the ability to shoot videos has actually improved technique as if there has been an evolution of intellect of what to shoot and prowess at getting the right angle and perfect frame to make things look just right. So now amateur sex videos just seem more polished and professional. That quality has actually led people to pursue making amateur porn beyond the level of hobbyist and seek the higher echelons of erotic achievements, like sending in their shot at home sex tapes to Homegrown Video.

And at Homegrown, we are ever so proud to preserve the history of amateur porn through the ages!