1.       Enhance foreplay by not using your stopwatch to announce when fucking should assume the starting position. 

2.       You can increase patience for performing foreplay by watching woman’s tennis competitions.

3.       Keep reminding yourself that foreplay is like golf, you have your good days, you have your bad days, but whacking the club, slinging some balls, and a freshly cut bushy lawn beat a day of work any way you slice it.

4.       Contrary to most skills on this planet, the better you are at erotic foreplay the less you have to do it.

5.       Never advance a claim that you are owed a reciprocal token of sensual foreplay or risk losing post foreplay action due to cases of tiredness and headaches.

6.       Consider that foreplay is like the pre-game show for the football game. You don’t really care what is said as long as you know the game is about to follow.

7.       Always begin sexy foreplay encounters by praying that you will suddenly, miraculously, amazingly will know exactly what you are doing and how to keep doing it.

8.       If you are going to give Peace a Chance then you might as well give foreplay a whirl.

9.       Studious attention to proper foreplay etiquette and proper conduct will develop a sturdy and dependable soul.

10.   Make and watch Homegrown Video amateur sex movies to enhance your foreplay!

Time rolls on in the porn biz at fast forward speed so you can get to the good parts faster and forget about the crappy and boring parts sooner than later. If Stephanie Swift wanted to settle down with her boyfriend and have a nice life hoping his parents never found out about her secret porn alter identity then we were more than happy to support her in that effort. Homegrown Video honors its promises and we would keep our vow not to put her on the box cover of any of the anal sex scenes or blow job scenes or group sex scenes that we had shot up to then. We rolled up our sleeves, stiffened our… upper lips… and went back to the orifice, business as usual.

We kept producing more amateur sex videos and started gearing up for the big trade show that happens every year in Las Vegas. The previous couple of years we had a booth that was starting to come apart at the seams. Rather than haul it out one more time only to find out which parts never made it back into the boxes from the previous year – which always sent us into manic fits of stress as we tried to pull it together into something that looked halfway decent - as long as no one looked too closely to see the duct tape and chewing gum holding it together, we decided the time had come to upgrade our look and hit the show with a stylish new booth.  The new booth would have to be sexy. It would need to be modern, eye catching, unique, but still be able to celebrate our amateur status. The new booth would have to tell the world “this is Homegrown Video and we make the best amateur porn that money can buy!”

Of course, we would need hot young amateur porn girls to stand there and make pleasant small talk and sign autographs for the droves of horny and curious fans that packed the aisles, sometimes waiting in line for hours to get autographs from top tier starlets. One local girl of course would’ve been a perfect candidate but I wasn’t going to bother calling Stephanie Swift and pepper her with invitations to come back and work for us. If she didn’t think we were worth her salt then so be it. I was a seasoned pro after all and I knew they came and they went through the porn grinder every day. However, one or two calls might be worth the effort.  What was I thinking?

Stephanie Swift did a fine job of pretending to listen. And who says that porn actresses don’t know how to act? I completely believed her as she assured me that she wanted to stay under the Homegrown Video umbrella, protected from the shit storm of bullshit that seemed to be looming on the horizon of the Los Angeles porn scene. Was I naïve to trust that she felt comfortable and secure in our little corner of amateur porn where she could have sex with whoever in whatever manner however she desired? Not really. If I became jaded with mistrust and treated her accordingly with mistrust and a mercenary desire to  extract whatever last vestige of her dignity and self worth that I could then that would take me just one step closer to everything that I rejected in that LA scene. I might just as well move back there and run the porn equivalent of a chop shop – where all the stolen desperate souls of earnest young starlets are painted with whorish make up and their bodies are recast with silicone replacement parts and the identification numbers that one counts as a measure of self worth are ground down and replaced with something false so that I could sell them out fast and cheap.

Chalk it up to one more reason why I am a total failure as a porn kingpin.

Stephanie Swift said she wanted to take some time off and think about things. Her relationship came first. She wanted to do more videos and she wanted to do her first true box cover with Homegrown but she had to make sure that her boyfriend and his parents didn’t discover her anal sex scene performed sans condom. Ok, then just call us if and when you are ready.

We never heard from her.  Too bad. She was certainly star material. A woman truly born to porn. She had the looks. She had the honest to goodness real sex drive that would keep her going when the charm of quick money had long since been replaced by endless days on a set with terrible catering, whiny male co-stars wearing ankle high sports socks, directors with their dicks out, and bitchy starlets trying to usurp her contracts were daily rigueur. Bummer. The big trade show in Las Vegas was coming up and having someone of Stephanie Swift’s caliber standing behind your booth attracting the horny fans in droves to your booth would have been fantastic. I called to see if she would just want to come out and sign some autographs. All expense paid trip  to Las Vegas to party and sign autographs is something most brand new girls in the porn scene would jump at, but not Stephanie.

She wouldn’t even return my calls.

Stephanie “Chinacat” Swift was introduced to us by a San Diego local who goes by the alias “Mark Giffy”. He had met her the day before on a set where Stephanie was set to perform her first scene. Unfortunately, according to Stephanie, the guy had trouble performing (remember, this was before the days of drugs like Cialis and Viagra). When we met, I could scarcely believe that she wanted to be in adult videos.  She was so quiet; shy to the point of being like an oblique liquid transparency of anything resembling a personality that I thought if I looked at her long enough then she would blow away and pop like a glistening bubble blown by a kid on a hot summer’s day. Upon asking her the standard array of questions though, would you like to be in a Homegrown Video, why would you like to be in amateur porn, what would you like to do in a xxx video, how far do you want to go in the adult industry, and questions like that then I realized what a completely complex person Stephanie actually is.

Stephanie was inspired by a big star at the time named Raquel Darrian. She simply lusted for the opportunity to have sex with her. In fact, Stephanie admitted that getting into porn would be an excellent way to indulge her bisexual tendencies since, as she explained, finding a girl to bring into her relationship with her boyfriend had been tough. (Some people have problems the rest of us wish we had!) The one hitch to the plan was the fact that Stephanie didn’t want her boyfriend’s parents to find out that she was making amateur sex videos or indulging in any other kind of naughty and inappropriately erotic pastimes. The parents were apparently dusty and crusty old money San Diegans that would sincerely not approve of such things.

However, no matter what her boyfriend’s parents thought, Stephanie was determined to make some amateur porn with us. If she felt that way about it, then there was just one way to determine if she was being sincere about it or not - put her in the middle of an orgy and see how well she accounts herself.  Our strategy for the stuff that we used to shoot ourselves was entirely based on the type of amateur porn submittal content that we like best; keep the cameras rolling as long as people are having fun and make sure you have enough tape to capture it all. There were two cameras that day and it was still hard to capture all the action, especially when Stephanie was practically melting them down in her pursuit of absolutely intense orgasms.

As has been noted before,   I would never have had any sort of issue of these sorts if it were not for my upbringing which is a mix of cherished though weathered Southern gentility mixed with a dash of East Coast blueblood aspirations. Those affectations are to this day like a starched suit of propriety worn over a leopard print dong thong. Dressed underneath the pleasant manners and the stuffy cordialities there is only the half naked, fully sweaty, panting hard, trappings of a bona fide sex fiend ready to be exposed. So trying to maintain acting all dressed up and unruffled while all the while feeling the completely nude emotion of intense sexual desire was literally causing me to sweat. And a sweaty guy with a couch in his office that innocent young San Diego girls would take their clothes off and lie on was not making Daphne’s friend change her mind about amateur porn at all. The way she was looking at me I might as well have had horns on my head, a pointy tale, and sitting in a fiery office chair.

But when the going gets tough, then the tough get hard… and make some porn!

I won’t bore you with the details of what we did sexually; what would be the point? You can watch that video in Homegrownvideo.com or catch it in the “Eye Contact #2” from Homegrown.  Suffice to say it was all that and a cherry on top that left me smiling for days and led to many future videos and wild sex adventures – I guess most of  which was captured for the camera. And who can forget when Daphne worked as our “naughty secretary” who was on a live cam all day… the fact that she loved to hike her panties aside and play with her wet pussy all day was certainly a plus  for our fans, but  the downside was  having other work to do… lesson learned. All sex and no work is no way to run a porn biz.

And what about Daphne’s porn hater pal? She stayed in the office next to where I was fucking her BFF, not long though, as soon as the sounds of our frantic fucking began to echo down the hall she was out of there. Leaving Daphne stranded in the clutches of a dangerous pornographer?  What are friends for if you can’t fuck them or be fucked over by them, right?

The funny part is that Daphne and her friend did make up and start talking again… Only to find out that while Daphne had become an amateur porn queen and Homegrown Video legend, her pal was working in a jack shack with twisted perverts paying her hundreds of dollars to pee on them. The wonders of this world never cease to amaze me.

When Daphne made her first Homegrown Video scene, which was featured in the Eye Contact series in volume two, she looked just about as innocent as could possibly be – imagine if all the virginal buxom heroines from Disney movies going back to Snow White, to the Little Mermaid, to Pocahontas all suddenly came to life and became suddenly self aware of their sex drives.  I could barely believe she was sitting in my office to interview about doing naked pictures and making sex videos. I had to keep blinking and saying “you sure you want to…” and “you know this is x-rated amateur videos…” Matters were not helped by the fact that she brought her absolutely stunningly pretty friend with her that was completely suspicious of my motives. She was basically sneering at me while I tried hard to avoid looking like everyone’s favorite stereotype of the evil porn king bent on turning confused young ladies into wanton sluts and made to bend over and take a big dick in the ass so others could pay for the privilege of watching their innocence defiled.

The more I told her, the more interested she became. I was trying to scare her off but instead it was having the absolute opposite effect. She was becoming intensely turned on while her gorgeous pal was becoming increasingly disgusted.  Finally, I asked Daphne when she was ready to start. “Today.” She said with a very mischievous smile. (Her pal groaned and rolled her eyes) Ok. This was the moment where I raised my hands and eyes to the heavens and thanked God and Country for having the best job on the planet. Daphne’s pale, flawless skin, her beautiful green eyes, and tremendously bounteous bosom adorning her curvy body were making me sweat; the conflict of wanting, on the one hand, to respect her innocence, but on the other, ravishing her and rocking my cock in her mouth until I dumped a load of cum on her nose was like suffering the torments of the damned. (to  be continued…)

The plan initially was to go shoot in Tad’s and Sunset Thomas’s beautiful suite. Sunset greeted us at the door – of course it would have been the porn fantasy for her to let us in dressed in nothing but a sexy negligee, dolled up and ready for some erotic play, but that was not going to happen.  The makeup was off, the hair down, and dressed for bed meant a comfortable tee shirt and some silky slacks. Hot and heavy wild porn fantasy sex tonight with porn star Sunset Thomas and a couple of new sexy co-ed amateurs was about as likely to happen as me replacing Fidel Castro as president elect for life. She was anything but excited for us to come in and shoot some amateur porn when she was settling down to catch some tube before bed time. Ever friendly, Sunset kept her poise but even the most oblivious arrogant asshole in the world could tell she was not happy with Tad trying to convince her that the shoot wouldn’t last long. As a friend rather than a colleague I stepped in to offer my room for the shoot.

Sunset looked completely relieved. “Thank you honey,” She said so sweetly that I felt like I had just shared an orgasm with her that made my spine tingle. No wonder she was such a popular starlet.

We made our way down to my room. The two girls were edgy and nervous, quietly whispering to each other and looking more and more concerned with each step toward the room that Tad and I might in fact be serial killer rapists about to make a snuff film or something. Any attempts at friendly banter only seemed to make matters worse. The brother was annoyed. Apparently, upon seeing Sunset, who is gorgeous even when she is unpainted and primped, he figured that she would be joining us. Clearly, he figured that was who he intended to be bunking down with when the camera started rolling. Finding out that was not going to happen served up the kind of disappointment that seems akin to a broiling case of road rage that could erupt over with just one tap of a break peddle from the car ahead equally trapped in the same jam.

As soon as we went through the door, the brother stepped up as if he had spent a lifetime practicing at being a suitcase pimp. “How much are we going to get paid?” I looked toward Tad.

“That is his department.” I said. Thinking. (What does he mean “we”?)

Tad was patient with him. Fortunately, Tad’s reputation as sort of the king of all suitcase pimps gave him an edge in dealing with the guy, a king talking down to a mere prince. “That depends on what the girls do in the scene.”

“Do?” The brother replied curtly. “They aren’t going to be doing shit.” He said.

This was going to be tougher than I thought.

Tad disappeared into the maze of slot machines. I now held court at the table and nursed what was left of my drink until another set arrived. A guy dressed in the height of lounge lizard tuxedo fashion was walking around performing feats of illusion for a porn crowd that couldn’t care less. I guess if he wasn’t going to pull a hot stripper out of his hat that was willing to do anal sex in a porno nobody was going to give him the time of day. However, I was mesmerized by the playing card that seemed to hover and dart around him while he walked around as if it were a trained butterfly.

Even when he came up to where I was sitting and started talking - eventually admitting that he wanted a shot at being in porn - I couldn’t figure out how the hell he was doing it. I answered his questions sincerely and directly, drawing out the explanations to buy time to figure out the trick but to no avail. Of course there was a wire somewhere, but I couldn’t see or feel it as hard as I tried. Sure tons of guys want to get into porn but this was in the age before Viagra and the sad truth was most of them would never be able to stand having sex in front of a dozen other guys that just want you to finish so they can get paid and go home to a cold beer and a couple of bong loads. If he could magically make his cock stand up on cue and cum on demand then he might have a shot at becoming the David Copperfield of porn. Without the benefit of a little pill that would invisibly wire his cock up into a raging erection he would be just another sap trying to break into a business that had a line of guys a thousand miles long waiting there standing in front of him, all with limp dicks dangling. Naturally, when he figured out the gist of what I was saying it was like revealing a magic trick. All the fun goes out, the mystery is lost, and all you are left with is a big “Yeah, I knew that had to be how it was done, thanks for a big heaping helping of whatever”. No one likes coming face to face with the obvious.

Penetration, what’s penetration?

In the movie “Orgazmo” Trey Parker plays an earnest Mormon, Joe, who accidentally becomes a star in a porn video and when suddenly confronted with the reality of the director asking for the “penetration” sequence to begin,  Joe, horrified, asks “Penetration? What’s penetration? Who’s going to be penetrated?”  The Director looks flabbergasted and the actress played by real life porn star Julie Ashton explains, a bit exasperated herself, “That is when the penis enters the orifice Joe”.  However, the real answer to that question is buried years ago in a suite somewhere in the Bally’s hotel.

Becoming owner of Homegrown Video meant a few things during those first years when we started running the company. One was that now we had a real purpose behind going to the adult trade shows. Another was working with some of my good ol’ LA porn star friends that I used to make amateur xxx with back in the day when I was still sending in my own amateur porn to places like Homegrown Video. Now combine those two things and you get the recipe for something really crazy… fun… sexual… and possibly even a bit dangerously combustible.

The band at the bar was typical Vegas cheese – a cover band playing disco pop that seemed a perfect complement to all the porn stars, producers, directors, and uber-fans that were crowding out the seats and scaring away most of the regulars with discussions of anal gang bangs and whether or not gagging, sputtering, deep throat cock sucking in videos would bring Johnny Law down on the adult industry with a furious vengeance. The scantily clad waitresses with their cleavage jiggling in seductively revealing scanty dresses that pushed their boobs up in a way that was guaranteed to get guys buying more drinks and paying bigger tips were already getting tired of being hit on with the come on line of the century “How would you like to be in a porno?”

(to be continued…)