The first stage of shooting an amateur porn video is a long and winding road to actually making a homemade sex tape. “Do you want to do it?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Maybe…” “What if your mom sees me fucking you in the asshole then blasting a hot load of cum on your face?” “Good question.” “Maybe we should think about it some more…” “Yes, for sure, but it still could be fun…”

All that negotiation what to do, and excitement about what risks there are doing it, and planning for where to do it build a great deal of anticipation and enthusiasm. Then you make your first amateur sex video, it is a blast, but then you look at it afterwards and go, “well I wish we had done this or that better.” That is the end of stage one.

Stage two is making your next sex tape. Now you have an idea what shots you missed. You have a clue about where to put the camera to make it easier. And, of course, you are horny as hell because you know that sex on video is not run of the mill Saturday night and a six pack style sex, it is wild show off your freaky side sex because you know it is a chance to channel your inner porn star funky get down and boogie hardcore fucking sex type sex. Now when you review the hot fucking action that is a mindblowingly wild over the top and run through the jungle of crazy carnality video ode to the wonders of fantastic sex, you think, “We look good. We look really good. I think we could make some money doing this because people would definitely get off watching this!” Then you proceed to stage three…

Stage three is when you start contacting companies like Homegrown Video and seeing if they will buy your amateur porn footage. You show it off probably for the first time to someone besides yourselves. Now you are nervous. Will it make the grade and be the million seller blockbuster cockbuster that you knew it could be. Or will the cat walking across the bed when you were painting her face with cum be a distraction from the intimacy and dramatic  intrigue of the moment?

So you break through to stage four, here you begin to hone your production skills, your business sense, and you branch out to find more places to sell your amateur sex videos, and the prices go up, and the sexual boundaries are expanded. Maybe new fellow sex fiends are found to participate, or maybe you try sex acts like anal out to give the videos extra bang, bang, fuck, fuck. Now you are banging out scenes like crazy, but one problem, now it is a job and everyone knows that jobs have some good days and some bad days but at the end of any of those days one might echo that bumper sticker sentiment, “A bad day of golf, fishing, bowling, whatever is better than a good day of work”. Unfortunately now you are in for a penny, in for a pounding, and you have to go on but some of the fun is gone because now it is just another hard day at the orifice. Welcome to being a porn professional! Now go out and get the job done! There are horny people out there that need to jerk off…

1. Tongue push ups. This is great for improving endurance and stamina during excessively long blow jobs, the kind of dick sucking marathon that really says “I love you” or “This must be steak and blowjob day”. Recline in such a way that you are able to balance a frozen banana on the tip of your tongue while humming “row your boat”. Hold the position for 10 minutes total with 15 seconds rest each minute making sure to massage your jaw during rest cycles

2. Anal Pilates. Lubricate your asshole generously then sit on a bottle of coca cola until you feel the stretch. Clench for thirty seconds while holding your breath then expel your breath from the diaphragm. Be careful not to inhale abruptly which may result in having to explain to ER why you have a coke bottle up your ass.

3. Ball Busters. Heavy duty hardcore fucking requires great stamina, concentration, and a measure of gonad patience to prevent prematurely busting a nut. Watch one hour of Homegrown Video amateur porn and masturbate but stop every time you approach orgasm until your balls are blue. Make sure to take at least two days of rest after each ball busting work out or risk serious injury. Consult with a doctor to make sure you are fit enough for this exercise.

4. Dick sprints. Some people have the opposite condition from Premature Ejaculation, namely, they cannot cum even after prolonged fucking and sucking. This can result in partners becoming possibly bored and potentially frustrated which is not conducive to mutual pleasure. For this we recommend dick sprints. Masturbate to Homegrown Video amateur homemade sex videos only start them five seconds before the cumshot and finish jerking off at the same time as the video sex scene.

5. Breaststroke. Not the swimming stroke but actually stroking the breasts. This is best performed with a partner to assist. No. Seriously. I mean it. He gets… I mean You Get a lot more out of it in the long run.

6. Cumshot shooter practice. This is a great exercise for developing your aim and is very meditative and good for your hardcore sexual encounters that result in facial cumshots. Many times, you absolutely do not want to come in your partners eye especially if you have repeatedly promised not to. Getting good aim when you are wildly busting your nut on someone’s face involves an inner concentration and zen-like state to transcend the “I don’t care where I spurt” lack of concern that sometimes prevails in weaker willed individuals.

7. Pussy Shadow Boxing. Using a dildo, penetrate your cunt and quickly punch, jab, and poke at your pussy while rolling your hips to dodge, lunge, and shift your position favorably, make sure to massage your clit if necessary to fight off fatigue.

8. Cock pull ups. Firmly grab your dick and pull up and push down on it until you ejaculate. Be careful to apply lubrication in order to avoid painful callouses.

9. Jumping Jack-offs. Jump up and down while masturbating to get a nice aerobic exercise that will also work out your sex organs.

10. Homegrown Video Marathon. Make a Homegrown Video amateur sex video and record at least four straight hours of sexual activity.

The massive archival project to unearth the best amateur porn nuggets recovers this week from a mine collapse that practically claimed the livelihoods of several workers. They were tasked with digging into the immense mountain of rock solid shot at home sex tapes, finding diamonds in the rough chiseled from homemade sex tapes that are the bedrock of amateur porn. Here they hoped to discover the clarity of sincerity and sparkle of personality that radiates so perfectly in true Homegrown Videos, the source of homemade porn’s equivalent of the Hope Diamond. Going deep into the core of Homegrown’s incredibly dense library to mine the quality footage for archiving and restoring to the best video standards available today, the workers were overwhelmed by a sudden collapse of the adjoining main goldmine of brand new sexy amateur videos.

Under pressure from the wealth of new material that has been pouring in, the Homegrown Video library became precariously large which appears to have created the conditions for the collapse. Local inspectors and company owners project that operations will be fully restored in the first quarter of 2012. Work has already resumed in many of the best tunnels of homemade loving.

Once upon a time…

In a place not so far away, not so long ago either, but actually maybe as close as your neighbor’s house only yesterday, cameras are rolling on carousing couples caroming around on their beds, fucking like rabbits…. if in fact Bugs Bunny was a porn star ready for his close up, tongue in both cheeks, what’s up your orifice doc, loony times for sexy lunatics not concerned with anyone seeing them in all their naked horny splendor. Amateur sex videos were, are, and will be recorded and saved then produced and reproduced for many others to watch. But something is different, there is a change, subtle yet distinct, all one has to do is look at the way those self made porn videos used to look compared to how they look today.

It isn’t just that the hairstyles have changed. And it doesn’t matter that not too many people wear elastic head sweat bands and neon lime green lycra body suits any more, because we are not talking superficial and cosmetic differences such as those. Let’s face it… sex hasn’t really changed all that much in quite a few years either when you really get to thinking about it. Yes the technology to shoot homemade sex videos and edit them has improved but what is truly the difference?

What has changed is the ability of the people shooting them. So many years of people possessing the ability to shoot videos has actually improved technique as if there has been an evolution of intellect of what to shoot and prowess at getting the right angle and perfect frame to make things look just right. So now amateur sex videos just seem more polished and professional. That quality has actually led people to pursue making amateur porn beyond the level of hobbyist and seek the higher echelons of erotic achievements, like sending in their shot at home sex tapes to Homegrown Video.

And at Homegrown, we are ever so proud to preserve the history of amateur porn through the ages!

Ahhh... the great outdoors just got greater

Homegrown is lucky to once again be honored with several titles and series nominated for porn‘s equivalent of an Oscar… but in this case more like an Oscar Meier Wiener since it is a celebration of the phallic slick as liquid sex lube porn industry. The beauty of the AVN celebration is that it is so tongue in cheek… ass cheek that is. Anyone that can appreciate the humor and irony in an award for “best anal sex scene” or “best non-sex performance in an all sex movie” would get a kick out of it. In the good old days more than a few of the attendees sitting at their dinner tables were getting blowjobs or having their pussies licked while award after award, you have never seen an awards show with more award categories, after award was called out and accepted by starlets and studs that were three cum stained bed sheets to the wind already and slurring their way through thank you’s and fuck you’s (you have never seen a more honest, direct, and uncensored acceptance speech). Ahh, the good ol’ fucking days!

Now everyone is so big business and corporate and stuffy with the puffed up notion that the industry is so firmly part of mainstream entertainment that it has lost some of that old school anarchy and liberation that it used to conjure. On the night when I was receiving my Hall of Fame award I sat next to a starlet that tipped her nose at me for a comment I made about the humor of it all, the seriousness of its un-seriousness, the idea that we could give awards away for hottest milf sex scene or best gang bang performance etc. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days? You know, that time when people still had sex for fun and making porn was a way of saying “hedonism can work for you too!”

Sienna is what you want for XXXmas

At Homegrown Video, in the spirit of the holiday season, here are ten celebrity sex tapes that we would ask Santa to set up and capture on video and make sure they are really nice and naughty…

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie… and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but only the ones that are over 18 and eligible to participate by age in an amateur sex video because that would just be one helluva good gang bang with a cumshot chorus.

2. Kim Kardashian’s mom, because she is pretty much hotter than any of the daughters and obviously loves the process of what it takes to start making a baby… but only for anal because we don’t need any more of those frigging kids running around making bad reality tv.

3.  Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin in their very first lesbian porn tryst because it is time to give piece of ass a chance and see what all that same sex fuss is really all about.

4. The Green Bay Packers vs the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders; despite the single loss so far this season, the Packers would have a chance to prove why they are called the “packers” and really field some plays in the Dallas Cheerleader end zones. Hot stuff. Make sure the Gatorade cooler is full of lube…

5. Tom Cruise in a “See, I am not really gay” homemade sex tape with his wife… what was her name again? I asked him and he didn’t remember either.

6. Bill Clinton in a “to all the girls I have ever fucked” special tribute sex tape with all of his former lovers and with Hillary giving him a nice sloppy bj at the end to remind him why they stayed together all these years.

7. Lindsey Lohan and Megan Fox wearing strap on dildos and fucking director Micheal Bay in the ass in tandem while they tell him everything they hate about big loud stupid manipulative repetitive Hollywood drivel paint by numbers action films.

8. Betty White proving once and for all that age and experience and a very high sex drive really do keep you looking young, well… not necessarily young, but hot enough to keep the casting couch warm enough to stay employed in a town as tough as Tinseltown.

9. Linda Carter, former “wonder woman” star and famous model with really awesome huge natural tits doing a GGW style tape – even though she may be old enough now to be your grandma she still looks better than most skanky ho bags a third her age.

10. Homegrown Video getting a video sent in by a masked couple that actually turns out to be… Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell! (They wore masks because they didn’t want anyone to judge them…)

In 1982, Homegrown Video became the first company to distribute homemade sex videos and changed the entire landscape of adult videos forever. Before Youtube made everyone a producer, director, and star of their own movies just as Steven Spielberg once predicted the access to video cameras would change the world of movie-making, Homegrown Video put the power of being a porn star in the hands, and private parts, of the masses. The effort was grassroots, and like grass, when it caught fire it spread quickly to change the entire face of porn. Even professional high glamour companies, from Playboy to Vivid et. al., began to offer amateur stylized productions.

Homegrown paved the way for “gonzo” and “reality” porn, offspring of amateur porn. It laid the foundation for celebrity sex tapes, from Tanya Harding through Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Homegrown Video made making a homemade sex video fun and more importantly – normal – and even sort of acceptable in a mischievously naughty sort of way. If your next door neighbor might be doing it, then people didn’t have to feel so weird about themselves enjoying this form of entertainment. In this way, Homegrown Video helped bring porn out of the shadows in San Fernando valley, and into the bright light of mainstream consciousness.

Homegrown Video did not stop shaping the landscape there either and continued to innovate by digging down into what customers really wanted, then building mountains of content to satisfy them specifically. Focusing on niche themed fare in the days before the internet became a what it is today, Homegrown launched series like “CreamPie Club” and “Natural Bush” that addressed exactly what customers were looking for in their porn and catered to niches that had previously been completely neglected. As one fan once wrote, “Now I don’t have to keep watching movies shot in 1970 if I want to see hairy pussies”.

Just as Apple’s i-Tunes changed the way people listen to music, Homegrown Video changed the way people look at porn. Not only that, it changed the way people look in porn. Eric Schlosser, the author of “Fast Food Nation”, says in his book “Reefer Madness” that “Made by the people, for the people, Homegrown Video represents the democracy of porn”. Today, the face of porn is no longer necessarily a blond busty beauty with big fake boobs; it might be a housewife in Ohio, or a privileged socialite, a big beautiful woman or a skinny young co-ed with a very hairy pussy, thanks to Homegrown Video’s impact on the world of porn.

No ass make up needed here!

Since Ing seemed to be on the verge of tears and totally freaked out about having to apply concealer to some porn girls pimply ass, I really didn’t want to push her over the edge and say something like “what the fuck did you expect?” I could understand where she might of thought that doing make-up on a porn shoot would only entail trying to make the girls look their best and not mean in fact that she was going to be painting the tail ends of girls getting ready for anal reamings. I recommended that her boyfriend Spark handle the ass make up since it certainly wouldn’t be something I would expect him to have a problem with and as a graphic artist he would have the necessary skills to blend any colors necessary to make those butts look good. Ing liked the idea which was cool because I could easily have seen her getting jealous about it. Luckily that was not the case because she was willing to take that chance more than she was willing to rub some model’s naked ass with  a sponge of cake make-up. Good to know your limitations when it comes to stuff like this…

So, of course, making porn is still show biz and the sex show must go on. Ing went back to her loft. Vivid was renting both our lofts out for the shoot and that meant more of everything. More girls. More grips. More suitcase pimps. More catering. More director – assistant directors – assistants to the assistants. More craziness. And of course more of Ron Jeremy hanging around waiting for his scenes to be shot. Ing came back over for a report.

She stood there staring at me. I couldn’t tell if she was going to kill me or cry me a river even while the sun of good fortune and easy money was shining brightly on her and making it so she could harvest enough cash to pay rent. Shadows from the clouds of emotion passed by reflecting each shade of expression so quickly.  Kill. Look, that one floating by looks just like a crazy guy with a knife. Cry. That one looks like a baby… being dropped. Kill. Cry. Kill. Probably everyone is asking her why she doesn’t do porn…

Ing is a gorgeous girl… but innocent as the lamb that ended up on the dinner table slathered in mint jelly.

“Everything ok?” I asked. Ing was from a good family, deeply religious, and had led a life very sheltered from the weirdness of things like the porn industry. I knew she was being immersed in a world that was completely alien and somewhat intimidating to those with any sort of prudish bent, which Ing certainly is – straight as the crucifix on top of the steeple. The sight of naked people walking around completely unconcerned as if LA was actually the Garden of Eden freaked her out, but she had weathered it so far. She was even cool with Ron Jeremy sleeping the day away on her couch… until she got close enough to realize, to her horror… he had B.O.

“He smells.” She said with a look of potent disgust cinching her lip to try and constrict her nostrils from any further abuse. “I am going to have to get a new couch! Do you think Vivid will pay for it?”

You don’t get to be Vivid if you buy everyone a couch. Of course, by the same token, everyone should surmise with a smidgen of forethought that couches on porn sets should be roped off with Hazardous Waste KEEP OUT tape. I would have laughed except I realized that she was completely serious.

One of the first things you do learn about renting your place out for a film production is the money you make is like the money you make going to the local Indian Casino. Things might go very smoothly, you have a great time, and walk to the bank with an easy check to cash. Or the opposite. What felt like a win at the time you were having all the fun is actually a loss when you reconcile everything later after the fun and the booze wear off. You get a check but it will barely cover the expense of the carpet the grip lit on fire with the cigarette that he should not have been smoking, nor will it cover the long distance calls the distraught starlet made to her suitcase pimp boyfriend that is still back in Ohio taking care of his court dates, you won’t get reimbursed for the couch that was permanently stained by the toxic jizz the stud launched for a facial but missed because he was too busy trying to jack himself off and couldn’t see where he was spewing with his eyes closed to concentrate on getting off. Of course, I warned Ing and Spark of all of that, but risks be damned, they needed the money to make back rent before the landlords served them with an eviction.

So, if they were going to let porn be shot in their studio then they had to take their chances, including letting Ron “the hedge hog” himself burrow into their couch for one of his infamous power naps that most speculated was actually mild narcolepsy.

They had to be prepared for anything.

Ing had also worked herself in to do make up for the shoot too. That turned out to be the first sign that not everything was going to be going as smoothly as I had hoped. Ing ran into our studio. She looked distraught but seemed to be holding herself together well enough to ask a question.

“I don’t know what to do.” She asked.

“About what?” I replied as casually as possible to try and foster a sense of peace and tranquility.

“Make up.” Ing said. Strange, she worked for a cosmetics company and had done make up for mainstream feature films in LA so that was not really what I expected from her.

“What about it? Do you need supplies?” Supportive. Concerned. Helpful.

“No, I have everything I need.” She was fidgeting and nervous.

“What is the problem then?”

“They want me to put make up on her ass to cover up pimples – I have never done that – I didn’t expect to have to do that – I don’t know if I am comfortable with that – I don’t know what to do!” She looked like she was going to cry any second.

“Well…” I guess I didn’t really know what to say to that. Anything coming to mind was going to sound callused and un-sympathetic. Sex videos have naked people in them; that is just a fact, and naked people sometimes have pimply  asses that require make up to hide those unsightly blemishes. Just be glad you aren’t going to be the one picking up the anal condoms afterwards, honey… I was thinking…

"But this is my 'O' face..."

When you have been so deeply immersed in the wild and wacky world of amateur porn as long as I have,  you learn a few things, actually, you learn a lot of things – in fact, probably something new every day about not just the way that people make homemade sex videos but  about so much more. You learn about mores, and trends, and fascinations, naked truths and personalities laid bare by circumstance and circumspect opinions, prejudices, fixations, proclivities, of private matters and public concerns. You learn a lot, including volumes of useless trivia you won’t even be able to use in a game of “Trivial Pursuits”.

You learn the exact day when amateur porn stopped being amateur.

The sky didn’t exactly fall. Fissures in the Earth did not suddenly open and whole cities cave into a great cataclysm. However, sadly enough, and perhaps just as catastrophic, a bit of fun did escape out to dissipate in the atmosphere and disappear from the planet forever. On August 12, 1984, at exactly 3:00 pm, Martha and Timothy Appleton decided to produce a homemade sex video for no other reason than they were trying to make enough money to replace the ottoman in the living room; the cat had so mercilessly used the original one as a scratch pad.