Here it comes again.

“So why do you guys have a picture of Stephanie Swift if she is signing for Elegant Angel?

“Long story.” I replied. Max Hardcore and I had a fair share of long stories that we had actually shared in the making of. Besides the time he was accused of murdering a model by brutal anal sex and burying her body off some exit on the 5 freeway, there was the other time when he was accused of raping a model that he shot me performing with, a case thrown out when the Judge saw her saying how much she enjoyed having sex with me after the scene was finished and Max chose for whatever reason to capture our post porn coital bliss.

“Tell me about it.” Max said, “You just can’t trust these cunts”.  I would’ve liked to agree but I knew that “those cunts” couldn’t trust us either and for that reason alone the whole deal had a sort of balance to it which I was going to have to learn to accept.  In a chaotic universe, in a crazy place like Las Vegas, with freaks and fairies and all matter of trolls and troglodytes going every which way, one had to be prepared for that sort of uncertainty. That discordant mess was a constant that could be counted on.  I explained to Max the situation with the artist and Stephanie making the leap to the big show in Porn Valley USA. He had a good laugh and his pit crew had a chuckle on my behalf too.

“Don’t worry,” Max counseled, “these bitches always come back when they need the cash.”

Not Stephanie. She was neither a bitch or a cunt and considering where her career path went I guess she didn’t need the money. Instead of going downhill and falling off the map with her stint at Elegant Angel she went up to top and scored a deal with the classy, couples friendly, porn company called Wicked. At Wicked she would share a very bright limelight with porn’s biggest, brightest star Jenna Jameson.

Tracy Adams was a well known porn star in the eighties. Tracy is widely known for her big natural breasts and slutty sex appeal appearing in a couple hundred porn flicks. What most people don’t know is that Tracy once made an amateur porn tape for Homegrown Video. Homegrown is well known for getting homemade sex tapes from people that go on to be big name porn stars and getting them before the boob jobs and the attitudes have made them all look and act the same as each other. While this scene is very mellow action, sensual, rather than scorching, it is still sexy and a classic from the Homegrown Video amateur porn vault.

Small breasts, if you looked around the trade show floor would appear to be a detriment and an affront to the art of pornography. Tiny tits were like an abstract and minimalist rendition of what every other portrait of a porn girl looked like, where lush bosoms and ample buttocks were drawing crowds of gawkers. The critics and the pundits certainly had their two cents to spend on an opinion.

“She certainly has a unique look. Kind of like a Siamese cat. Something sort of sultry about her… and that pretty mouth, you just want to put your cock in and fuck it hard.” People who right porn video reviews always have strong opinions that border on kinky obsessions. No wonder. Eight hours of watching adult videos five days a week is enough to turn anyone into a freak. The guy handed me his card. I took it between my thumb and forefinger to try and minimize any potential contact with bodily fluids. I didn’t recognize the magazine but regardless I would have to kiss his pinky typing finger to make sure we came away with decent press for all our efforts. “You painted her with bigger boobs than she really has though.” No end to this embarrassment until we could break down the booth and turn ourselves back to San Diego.

“That is because, long story, that is really not a picture of Stephanie Swift.”

He looked at me with the slack blankness of disbelief and raised an eyebrow over a squint of skepticism.

“Well, she could really be a huge star if she gets her boobs done. I watched your scenes with her and she has this sort of slutty but sophisticated thing going on that is really hot.”

Stephanie Swift had with deft and surefooted pluck had made the transition from amateur porn to become a starlet with a contract. Ten thousand other models would suck off a sweaty fat man in dirty underwear to be in her shoes. But, her success, her art, being a top starlet, all that meant she had to find a way to be unique and set herself apart from the nameless, un-contracted hordes of girls wanting prove themselves more artfully slutty than the last girl at the gate. This was a time when directors would enema a starlet’s asshole with various paints and require her to spray it out her ass, inadvertently creating pornographic tributes to Jackson Pollack. How does a girl not get lost in a game where trying to always top the last bit of outrageousness becomes required faire?

Certainly, doing the gang bang where she had to lick out each guys asshole, including the hairy butt orifice of Ron Jeremy, was one way, but Stephanie was smart enough to know that would only get her so far. She would have to set herself apart, not just by being sexually outrageous, but developing talents and her God given assets to keep fans and producers happy.

Walking the AVN trade show floor, one would instantly be struck by a few things. First, considering the number of booths offering everything from mushroom headed glass phalluses, to polished silver nipple clamps, flavored condoms, and models hawking every kind of porn, big boobs, black dicks, fat chicks, and midget orgies, transgender, transsexual, hetero, gay, and bisexual play. Standing out in the vast mass of it would not be easy, but Stephanie clued in quickly and figured out her niche. She wasn’t going to go any further down the gross out gag factor dark and dirty fecal path of perversity. She would celebrate her natural and beautiful assets. At a time when every starlet was determined to get a boob job she would stay organic. Saline and silicone free. Instead of buying a new rack of tits that would fit like a pair of bolt on boobs, she would keep her breasts natural, no matter that they were small by industry standards.

I have always loved getting fan mail, but some days I have to jump and shout and do a little jig at my good fortune…

This is the kind of letter that makes me proud to be president of Homegrown Video and one of the last bastions of true amateur porn:

homegrown video letter from swinger

Being an artist, like Mark the graffiti artist who studied art at famous schools in Europe, then went into the world with a couple of cans of paint cans and a few nozzles, means starting with a head full of dreams and a belly full of bluster, then slowly starving until someone, anyone, recognizes your talent and stands ready to exploit it, willing to feed the urge and fuel the inspiration. Then, if luck and talent prevail, the rewards of that hard work are paid out. You earn the right to flake. Just like Mark, whose spray painted walls full of outlandish extraterrestrials and gorgeous nymphs and psychedelic landscapes kept him busy enough that he never had to worry about where the next job was coming or where the next deadline would end, Stephanie Swift had arrived.

amateur fan letter to homegrown video

1.       Enhance foreplay by not using your stopwatch to announce when fucking should assume the starting position. 

2.       You can increase patience for performing foreplay by watching woman’s tennis competitions.

3.       Keep reminding yourself that foreplay is like golf, you have your good days, you have your bad days, but whacking the club, slinging some balls, and a freshly cut bushy lawn beat a day of work any way you slice it.

4.       Contrary to most skills on this planet, the better you are at erotic foreplay the less you have to do it.

5.       Never advance a claim that you are owed a reciprocal token of sensual foreplay or risk losing post foreplay action due to cases of tiredness and headaches.

6.       Consider that foreplay is like the pre-game show for the football game. You don’t really care what is said as long as you know the game is about to follow.

7.       Always begin sexy foreplay encounters by praying that you will suddenly, miraculously, amazingly will know exactly what you are doing and how to keep doing it.

8.       If you are going to give Peace a Chance then you might as well give foreplay a whirl.

9.       Studious attention to proper foreplay etiquette and proper conduct will develop a sturdy and dependable soul.

10.   Make and watch Homegrown Video amateur sex movies to enhance your foreplay!

“Where did you get that picture of me to work with?” Stephanie Swift asked me the question and I tried to come up with at least one of the excuses that I had been anxiously rehearsing in preparation for this moment. Unfortunately, everything that I thought I might say sort of twisted into a heap of umms and ahhhs when it tried to pass from my brain to my tongue and all I could say was, “Well, that is a great question.”

I thought about the artist, Mark. He was an amazing talent with a couple of crates of spray paint and a nozzle collection suited to conveying every nuance a brush stroke might be capable of rendering. He could get detail and texture and lines out of a can of spray paint, stunningly classic neo realism, a regular DaVinci of the pressurized paints. Everyone who knew his work which was in graffiti murals on buildings all over the world told me that I was lucky to get him to paint our trade show booth. They couldn’t believe he was actually doing a piece for, shame, shame, shame, an amateur porn company.

I remember trying to talk to him when he had been working, one part painting, another part smoking, another drinking beer, in the dense noxious fumes of his studio. He was sort of unintelligible. He peered from heavily lidded eyes that occasionally would widen. He seemed to look around at things that were only visible to him and everyone who has recently eaten a bucket of peyote washed down with a keg of suds. Whatever was there didn’t seem to readily present any danger to me but I couldn’t be certain. Who could know what type of demon might suddenly possess the guy and control his behavior, suddenly turning him into a slobbering, seething, raving mad Englishman.  I certainly didn’t feel lucky trying to get him to finish the painting by our deadline. Homegrown Video could definitely not show up at the biggest trade event of the year with a half painted booth. Unfortunately, all our conversations seemed sort of one sided since apparently so many years of using spray paint altered his brain to the point where conversation required an advanced degree of obscure dialects in the language of mumbling.

“Why did you paint Stephanie Swift?”

“Mmrrmwu? I wasn owngone erm doan  painsteswift.” It sounded sort of Gaelic but I thought he was saying that he didn’t know who Stephanie Swift was. No way to be sure which meant I had to be careful responding. I decided it was best to just talk as if I hadn’t actually completely finished what I had to say before.

“She is that porn star that was working with us but now isn’t and… How can you not know who she is when you painted her picture right there? She is not going to be in our booth at the show; she is going to be working for our competition… and we are going to look pretty frigging funny promoting her when she is not even going to be at our booth.”

“SurreyMeht.” Mark answered, and continued. “I cuddoerm mek… mumble, slur, babble…pay me more.”

That last part made too much sense.