1. When the suitcase pimp gets too tired to hold the suitcase and needs a helping hand, porn talent scouts can make a call and see if someone is available that can help but you better be prepared to… ahem… show some appreciation

2. If the director doesn’t want to pay you when you balk about the price after finding out that you are expected to do an anal gang bang, then the porn agent can help you convince yourself that it won’t be so bad to get the exposure for being a wild slut willing to do anything even though now everyone will know that you are willing to do everything for almost nothing.

3. When your lingerie and shoes are stolen on the set by one of the other models on the agency roster then the porn agent can remind you how stupid you were to leave them out where someone could take them in the first place.

4. When your head begins to swell because you are getting jobs doing fuck scenes for all the top companies a porn agent is very handy at letting you know that other girls are probably better picks for the big contracts and bringing you down to earth.

5. Porn agents help you to decide that doing amateur porn for Homegrown Video wasn’t a good idea no matter how much fun you had and how much money you made because it makes it apparently makes it harder for you to be a porn star in pro porn.

The office smelled like an overflowing butt-filled ashtray out of a Buick on blocks in the weedy yard of a house inhabited by meth heads. The greasy brown couches had literally absorbed so much oil of nicotine that they were shiny with a waxy film and then buffed by a thousand cute porn starlet butts sitting there and waiting their turn to get hired. Pictures of starlets I recognized from my own time spent…  doing research…  hung on the sort of beige sort of mustard yellow walls that reminded me of the color of old newspapers and told old stories good and bad and otherwise newsworthy too.

There was a picture of Savannah who was infamous for dating the rock star Slash, but more notorious for later killing herself. There was a picture of Sunset Thomas, who went from being an amateur porn princess to being the Queen of the Mustang Ranch and becoming popular on an HBO series. Pictures of the older starlets told of the good old days of looking good and the hairstyles that made them what they were.

Going into the office you could tell right away where you stood, in the way, so sitting down on one of the couches was the best way to get out of the way. Sit and wait. And wait. And wait for Jim to get off the phone, the life of the porn agent depended on a nose for talent, a taste for fine ass pussy, an eye for bullshit, and an ear to stand on going on and on call after call all holding patiently in queue.

The agent reminds you not to say anything about having made amateur porn videos for Homegrown Video. In fact, he makes you feel like it was a mistake. He also makes you feel like having a boyfriend is a mistake too.

“He may not be a suitcase pimp”, the Agent tells you, “but it doesn’t matter because that is how everyone is going to see him anyway and no one likes when suitcase pimps are on set.” He is a broken record and you already know what tune he is going to be playing next but of course you have to listen to it again anyway. “Producers don’t want to hire you if you only are going to do boy/girl scenes with him exclusively anyway.” The hardest part of hearing it again is that you already know that the bill on the cheapest hotel you could find in the Valley is coming due. The roaches don’t have to pay it but you have to pay for the roaches. Your man is getting depressed because the work has been getting tougher and tougher to find. Producers don’t want to hire him. Even though you said you would be ok with him doing fuck scenes with other starlets, none of the producers are interested in him.

“How do we know if he can perform?” The producers all have their studs that they like to work with and hire all the time. The idea of trying anyone knew means that they will all be standing around waiting. Waiting to see if he can get his dick hard. Waiting to see if he can cum on cue. Waiting for him to fail so they can say, “Sorry, I told you so.” Then they will suggest that you break up with him. “He is just holding you back.” That is when they are being obnoxiously polite. Other times it is more scathingly impolite. “You have to get rid of that suitcase pimp if you really want to make it in this business.” They tell you then add something along the lines of “I would hire you for a ton of shoots if you would work with my guys. You would like working with my guys. They know how to fuck like stars and will make you look good… unlike that limp dick motherfucker you call a boyfriend. That bitch can’t even keep his dick hard with a fist full of viagra.”

The mere suggestion of doing fuck scenes with other guys though just is not something that he is ok with. Oh yeah, it is fine for him to be with other chicks, and you can deal with that, but not ok with you to be with other guys. That is not ok.

But neither is it ok not having enough money to pay the hotel bill… so you can enjoy another week of cigarette smoke stained ceilings, brown and orange shag carpets with ominous swampy spots, and a tv that only seems to successfully carry channels that are in Spanish.

So it all comes down to making a choice. Do you take the job on the sneak and try to not let the boyfriend know or do you just tell him “fuck it, we have to pay the rent and do it no matter how pissed off he gets, or do you just pack the bags and use whatever money is left to try and make it home and forget the whole frigging thing and give up on being a porn star.

Only quitters quit. Liars lie. Porn stars fucking fuck.

He is just going to have to deal with it. But should you tell him before or after you do the scene? That is the question…

The agencies that represent porn models are mostly in Los Angeles which of course makes sense since that is where most of the work is. You sent them your pictures and told them about making some amateur porn and selling it to Homegrown Video.

“Forget that” they tell you as they insinuate that doing amateur porn is for suckers and pump you up with the idea of what it means to be a porn star, the money, the fans, the travel, the more money. Should you worry about having already made some homemade sex videos? Those were fun to do but what if they hurt your shot at the big time? What if no one wants to hire you because now everyone sees you as just being “amateur”?

“Don’t worry about that.” The agent tells you. “Producers will hire you if you know how to take cock.” He says. There is a very pregnant silence, interrupted only by the sound of his zipper being pulled down. You boyfriend was told to wait outside while the interview was being conducted. You could walk out now. You could stay and suck the agents cock. How much did you spend on the trip to Los Angeles? How much is the hotel you are staying at until you get a place and the career gets going? You want to be a porn star; this must be the first test on the road to stardom. Is sucking a dick really sex? Why not? Probably all the other girls, whose pictures adorn every wall in the office, had to do the same thing. So why not.

You are a porn star. So you might as well show him what porn stars can do. A small smile tells the agent all he needs to know. He turns his chair to give you better access to his hard cock and you drop to your knees…

So one person told another person that told two more and now, somehow, your family found out you made an amateur porn titled “Two Cocks, One Gaping Asshole“. Parents are not speaking to you. Family is ashamed. Some friends are asking you where they can check it out while others others are asking you “what the fuck were you thinking?” but then going and trying to find a copy so they can watch it too.

So taking a tally of the situation you come up with the following pluses and minuses to deal with how divided you are about whether or not it was a good idea to do it in the first place.

On the plus side, yes, when you and your best friend and lover-for-life made it, well, that turned out to be some of the best sex you ever had, mind blowing, earth shattering, second coming, an orgasm to echo through all time by the magic of digital reproduction. Then, getting paid for it was awesome! The money meant everything at the time because rent money doesn’t grow on trees but  it does grow on nice hairy bushes. (Not having to shave the pussy for that month was also a perk, come to think of it). For one day filled with a few hours of fun and fucking, stuffing the buns with sausage, you made more than you would in an entire month stuffing buns with sausages at that Weinerschnitzel job. The free time meant you were able to spend more time with friends, although the ones that didn’t approve of the homemade sex tapes aren’t really talking to  you, but  they must not really be friends anyway. What is their problem anyway? C’mon, it’s just sex and none of us would be here if there weren’t any. What could be so bad about watching people have sex? Well, figuring out who the real friends are is actually another plus anyway.

Now… on the minus side…

You sure it was me?

not someone that looks like me?

in amateur porn?

People always wonder about anyone that ever makes amateur sex videos, “What would you do or say if your family found out?” As someone that made a video and sent it to Homegrown Video and as the owner now of the company that I sent the video to, I am very familiar with it. Like everyone else, I had to answer that question too just like the Sphinx of Thebes. If you don’t answer it well then, well, you might as well consider yourself dead because that is what you will be to most of the people that you know and thought up until that moment loved you for being you.

When I was much younger, in my early teens, at that age when you do the things you aren’t supposed to do and trying out things you were told to avoid, a friend of the family gave me some older brotherly advice that served me well. “Everything you do, count on it getting back to your parents; don’t think it won’t get back to them, so prepare yourself for what you would say on that fateful day when they find out that you are doing something that they don’t approve of. ”

Fatalistic words and a gloomy prospect but I had to acknowledge the wisdom and come to terms with it, not necessarily of course because I wanted to but because I had to… Because, I will be damned if it wasn’t a few months later that I was caught drying a weed plant  in my closet. So, that sold it, the price of knowledge was paid in the coin of shame of stupidity. But, I was prepared. I don’t remember the exact text of my before I get my ass handed to me and grounded for a year speech, it essentially boiled down to, “this is what I do because I am going to do what I am going to do whatever you do to me”.

He was right. Having a reason was in fact perhaps the first sign of being reasonable which was a good mark of moving toward adulthood and away from from being crazy as a bag of cats. So when I got into making amateur porn, knowing  the videos go out into a huge but still finite universe of people that might actually see it…

and recognize me…

…and tell my family and then not elect me as a future President of the United States, I was prepared. Sort of.

One night my mother called when I had been doing amateur sex videos and selling them for almost a year as well as performing in some Los Angeles Porn Valley porn that invariably was ending up on cable networks and in hotel and motel rooms across the country. “My neighbor is on a business trip and he just called me and says he thinks he saw you on television, were you on television?”

I could honestly answer that I did not think so but of course I did have my suspicions. Business trip. In those days people didn’t all have laptops and internet access meant download a single image that would take ten hours to load so business trips were naturally a convenient and reasonably anonymous way to get some porn. There was a strong chance he had seen me on a hotel adult video channel.

I took a night to sleep on it.

“Mom, I have some stuff to tell you. I just got busted for weed. I  do amateur sex videos… And we are going to have a baby.”

“A baby!” She said. It took about three more days before we got around to the amateur porn and the grass but I was ready for those by then.

1. You had to make amateur porn in order to pay for puppy chow to save starving Pomeranians in Spain.
2. The US Government asked you to perform in homemade sex videos as part of an effort to undermine terrorist influence in Pasaic, NJ.
3. Making amateur porn gave you a renewed sense of duty and purpose after losing your Pomeranian puppy while  in Spain as you were assisting the Basque Resistance before being deported to Pasaic.
4. An artist needs to be able to freely express his or herself and making an amateur porn inspired a dialectical introspection that invoked a subtext of erotic revolution and provoked dissociation from the metaphysical posturing of post-modernist nihilistic  propaganda.
5. You didn’t actually make an amateur porn. That was just someone that has been trying to get you back ever since you accidentally tripped him during a dodgeball game in 5th grade and he had plastic surgery done so he could look exactly like  you and frame you to look like you make some amateur porn videos.
6. Someone told you that you looked like a million bucks and suggested making an amateur home sex video to use as a ticket to help you collect your prize money.
7. How could you be in an amateur porn video if you actually got paid for it? Doesn’t that mean you were in a professional amateur porn video instead?
8. Demand proof and then ask whomever provides an example to explain what the hell he or she is doing watching porn in the first place.
9. Explain that it seemed to do wonders for Kim Kardashian and she has a really big huge ass so even if your ass is only half as big and even if you only did half as well as a result that it would still be great.
10. Because Homegrown Video has been paying for the best real homemade style amateur porn since 1982 and your turn finally came up!

So they went about making their homemade sex videos and thought nothing of it, certainly there wasn’t much of  a chance that anyone would actually see it. After all, they came from very conservative, as in Church going and Republican voting and immigrant hating, red-blooded American stock, the kind of people that, you know… don’t ever really watch porn but just complain about it tearing apart the very fabric of civilization as we know and love it.

On the other side of town, the side with the white picket fences and the well groomed weed free yards full of manicured shrubbery, speed bumps, and the signs that say “slow when children present”, her Grandma went to church. She grabbed her hymnal. She took her communion. She prayed on cue and did everything by the Good Book just like the good Pastor encouraged them all to do. And when the service ended, Grandma made her way outside to make pleasantries with the rest of the flock. Then she noticed the stares…

Was something wrong with her dress? Her hair? Why were they looking at her like that? Then her friend that she occasionally called upon to help with the yearly food drives came up to her. Grandma smiled but the smile wasn’t returned. “What’s the matter?” She wondered…

Her friend was nodding her head side to side with a tsk tsk, a scowl, a sneer, and a frown. “What’s the matter?” Grandma couldn’t figure it out.

“I hope you are not ok with your granddaughter being in those pornographic movies! I don’t think people that do that sort of thing really belong in this congregation.”

Of course, Grandma wasn’t prepared for that so she really had nothing to say otherwise she might have sought to discover the source for such an allegation. (Her friend’s son saw it on the internet but of course he would never admit that and preferred saying that he heard it from a friend who was into that sort of thing, not that he approved, since those kind of people that make those “amateur porn movies” are not the kind of people he would ever associate with… except in utter secrecy and in the privacy of his  home while watching them fuck online in an amateur sex video – HEY – why isn’t that the granddaughter of my mom’s church buddy!)

The next time will be different. After all, one should always learn from their mistakes… Even if that means learning to make new mistakes.

Here is where we find our super-earnest sexually eager couple trying to make some homemade sex tapes; the first try was fun. A blast. A facial cum shot shy of being perfect. It was a ripe wet tomato on the vine of good ol’ fashioned free spirited sex play but plucked a moment too soon only to miss the staple fruit of porn‘s cornucopia, the money shot.

It happens.

You got so caught up the moment. He pulled out of your wet mouth, your pouting lips were puffy from such a long blow job that your jaw damn near locked in a cramp that would have meant being on a liquid diet sucked through a straw for a month or two. You rubbed his hard cock and tickled his balls until he blasted forth a load of hot cum with such force that your hair blew back and your cheeks rippled. Lucky you didn’t get it in the eyeball otherwise you would be running around with an eye patch like a pirate aboard the good ship “Woes of the Ho’s” singing shanties like “Pull the dick about lubber” and “Heave the boobs ashore”

So back to the board, in this case, the bed board. Trying to get it right is half the fun. Should the camera go here to see how you suck my cock? If you hold the camera and lean back then you can get a great closeup of your dick while you’re fucking me. Put it on the tripod for a while so we can just get wild! Practice, practice, practice. And the effort is paying off, already you can now play back the footage and watch it for the sheer horny pleasure of it all. (hell yes, people could jack off to us!) You don’t feel so critical of where the action is in the frame, or how good the lighting is, or how the make up holds up when the ass fucking starts to get sweaty. This is looking good!

No.

This is looking great! The best amateur porn ever shot on the face of the Earth, this is the ticket to a future of fun and frolic and a million days of orgasmic bliss in the great comfort of well paid financial stability and it has just been stamped “one-way” to a stop called “Success”. Now the locomotive of lust is in motion, pulling a heavy freight of burden best weighed well in advance of leaving the station. What if the video is bought up and published… to dvd… well there are tons of dvds out there… to internet… more porn sites than even imaginable, an ever expanding universe of choices… to television and cable… millions of homes but who watches porn on tv these days? So how could anyone possibly see it? Like our family – no way in hell that Grandma is ever going to find out about this. She can barely even send and email so how can she ever find out? Dad, well he still thinks Playboy is porn so why would he see it on TV? No.The only people that stand a chance of seeing your amateur porn movie are people that are into watching amateur porn. Kindred spirits. And they are not going to have a problem with it…