like a deer’s eyes caught

unblinking in the bright headlights

her nipples shock you

1.       Amateur porn avoids trying to turn you on with music you wouldn’t even want to hear on an elevator

2.       In amateur porn when people have sex on an elevator it really could be the same place you stayed last summer on vacation

3.       Amateur porn does not require non actors to pretend like the know how to act in order to have hot fucking sex

4.       Pro porn makes the viewer think that sex is boring but watching amateur porn is a fine way to relieve boredom

5.       Amateur porn performers look just as good at the end of the sex as they did at the beginning while pro performers tend to lose their looks by the time the makeup has been fucked off.

6.       Amateur porn offers hope and salvation for those of us that fantasize about having hot sex while pro porn sets an expectation of sex that will only tend to get you slapped in the face if you try it at home

7.       Amateur porn doesn’t try to convince you that fake orgasms are actually better than real ones

8.       Pro porn for some inexplicable reason always tends to cut away just when the action is getting good and leaves you with a feeling of masturbatory vertigo

9.        Amateur porn tends to linger on the stuff you like to see which makes it ok even if the cat walks across the screen in the middle of the action

10.   Homegrown Video is the longest running series in the history of porn so amateur sex videos must have something special about them!

pull out all the stops

don’t be a wanker, ok

just keep on pulling

Imagine a place, a special repository, a space where all the great porn memorabilia would be showcased from the days of old right up to today. There would be lithographs of the great erotic cave paintings where cavemen painted themselves with huge phalluses schtupping caribou. Great care would be given to preserving those first daguerreotypes of corseted and knickered plump ladies with fleshy knockers showing off their naughty bits. There would be an entire hall like the great museums of Europe where the armor of knights of old is displayed where all the fancy lingerie is displayed from the horse cum splattered petticoats of Catherine the Great to Josephine Bonaparte’s soiled undies that Napoleon loved to sniff and more, like that blue dress with presidential sperm that Monica Lewinsky wore. A great and darkly lit room would preserve the paint cracking on the old penny arcades that would play flip books of sex caught in successive images cycling through in endless loops. One of Jeffery Coombs gigantic tribute paintings to his former wife and Parliament members Cicciolina with a humungous representation of his cock plunging into her tight ass while cum drips from her face like icing on a hot sweet bun would grace the entrance and let the public know that not only is this a serious collection of the world’s best porn but also a place where size does matter. And the size of this place would be impressive; in fact, I am thinking that the building would have to be designed by the eccentric genius of Frank Gehry to symbolically represent a penis penetrating the moist folds of a partly shaved pussy. It would sit at the front of his most impressive works to date, better than the museum in Bilbao, Spain, more grand than the Disney Opera house in Los Angeles California. Indeed the acoustics would be so finely tuned that you could hear a soft moan of an orgasm liltingly carried around the room to tickle your ear with sweet sexual harmonies, even in the bathrooms.

10. In the wild, real breasts are easy to differentiate from fake boobs by squeezing them with a gentle but firm cupped hand, the fake breasts will emit a “honking” sound that will attract mallard ducks.

9. Real breasts will vibrate sensuously when you apply your lips and deliver a “bromski” into the ample cleavage while fake boobs will reverberate in a frequency that is likely to cause headaches.

8. In a crowded bar or similar environment yell “strippers suck” and every women that steps forward to kick your ass has a high probability of having fake boobs.

7. With your erect penis, drum lightly on a woman’s breast and if you see a slight rippling wave akin to jello shaken in a bowl then you have encountered actual authentic boobage; whereas, the fake boobs can feel like you are cracking your dick against a brick wall. Remember the part that says drum “lightly”.

6. If you look carefully, fake breasts have a small line of text that reads “in case of emergency, can be used as a flotation device” and real breasts don’t

5. Heat will cause fake breasts to rise but it will cause real boobs to fall.

4. Try blowing air into the left nipple and if the breasts increase in size then you know they are fake.

3. When a woman is riding “cowgirl” style while you have sex and things get really wild, she is bucking and grinding and rocking your world, but then her boobs fall off then you can be certain that they are fake.

2. If you hear a slight hissing sound after nibbling on your lover’s breast then apply a light solution of soapy water and if you see bubbles then you know you have sprung a leak in the fake boob.

1. If you are watching Homegrown Video’s “Big Breast Amateurs” then you can be sure those titties are 100% homegrown all natural organic boobies.

10. Purchase a can of whipped cream, making carefully sure not to suck on it for a nitrous oxide hit first, shake vigorously and spray into your face. You can also practice talking dirty to it while you are performing this hand job exercise

9. Practice melting the wax sprayed on cucumbers in the supermarket by stroking vigorously until the friction melts off the vegetable. Make sure to be discrete if you practice this hand job technique in the market lest the manager comes over and starts slobbering.

8. Vigorously caress a garden hose as if you were performing a hand job while a partner turns the water on and off unexpectedly. Make sure to direct the water at a body part accordingly.

7.  Take a trip to a farm and improve your hand jobs by learning to milk a cow by pulling vigorously on its udder until it sprays cream. Direct the squirt at your tongue to equally enhance your facial technique.

6. Develop advanced two handed hand job techniques by learning to play billiards and make sure to vigorously polish the balls and chalk the cue while talking in sexy voice to the stick in hand. Bending over at the table will also add dramatic lustiness to your back side.

5. Collect almost empty toothpaste tubes which can be vigorously squeezed to make the last bit of paste emerge as if you were encountering the onset of pre-cum. Try licking it off to freshen breath and add a dramatic twist to your hand job technique.

4. Engage a clown in twist-tying you a penis shaped balloon character and vigorously rub and squeeze it without causing the balloon to pop. Try to avoid being creeped out by the clown who may become mesmerized by your hand job practice efforts.

3. Try making a banana splooge out one end by vigorously jacking it in an up and down motion without making it ooze out from the sides in order to achieve hand job mastery.

2. Do calisthenics with your fingers by vigorously simulating a tickling motion with one hand while you create an “A-ok”  finger circle with the other while you wag the hand up and down to simulate a hand job motion. If anyone asks what you are doing say that you are conducting an imaginary orchestra.

1. Vigorously watch “Hand Jobs Across America” videos from Homegrown Video to see expert hand job techniques employed in real world encounters that are captured in amateur xxx videos.

Did anyone else out there catch when McCain was asked about Sarah Palin’s qualifications for Vice President? He answered “Sarah Palin is the breast, errrr, best person for the job…” I started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop until I remembered McCain’s defending the violent, so far right they make fascists seem liberal, supporters that keep shouting for Obama to die.  If only the job of the Vice President actually had to do with vices like cigarette smoking, late night snacking, and anal sex then I guess I would not be so worried but since that is not the case I guess there is some cause for alarm. People need to realize how much danger this country is in of becoming a fanatical theocracy akin to some of the governments, typified as regimes, which we know and love to hate.

Guess what happens to us folks in the adult entertainment business when that happens? Well if Nazi Germany is any sort of historical example, the sexually liberated become the condemned. The first ones imprisoned and killed there before the genocide of the jews, gypsies, and others were the so called deviants like the gays and the porn producers. There have already been attempts by those in the Justice Department of the Bush Administration to equate porn producers with terrorists; Attorney General Gonzales apparently thought that funding fights against porn was every bit as important if not more so than putting priorities on fighting terrorism as his firings of those that would not support a “war” on porn has proven.

But look at McCain’s Freudian slip, obviously he had titties on the brain, specifically Sarah Palin’s nice big juicy milf round rack, and while I applaud his mind being on those bouncing boobies I fear that he would not know what to do with them in the first place. And in my mind, a leader of the free world had best know what to do with a nice rack, and I don’t mean a gun rack either.

This is one of the latest series from Homegrown Video; featuring sweet looking amateurs that have nice big natural tits, a series devoted to buxom beauties is long overdue. Homegrown Video has always prided itself on listening to exactly what the fans want which has been the inspiration for series like “Natural Bush”, and “Housewives Unleashed” as well as “Cream Pie”. “Big Breast Amateurs” is certainly no exception. Homegrown President Tim Lake admits, “I can’t believe we took this long to do a series based on hot amateurs with nice big natural boobies but I guess there is a time and a place for everything. And big bouncing boobs are good any time all the time.” 

My first big break in mainstream porn came when I was hired to play a bit (naughty bit, that is) part in porn auteur John Leslie’s shot on film adult masterpiece entitled “Chameleons, not the sequel”. Nobody said the name was a masterpiece. I didn’t have much to do in the way of dialog. John had seen me in a Max Hardcore movie and thought I had a peculiar and unsettling quality about me. All he wanted me to do really was be essentially peculiar and unsettling and laugh in a peculiar and unsettling way. The scene involved a couple of early 90′s porn sensations, Ashlyn Gere and Dierdre Hollander, entering some sort of weird sex club with their sexually adventuresome entourage and finding me languishing on the stairs. Ashlyn mocks me for a minute then forces one of her erotic playmates to fuck me. The beautiful and sexy and absolutely big natural boobed starlet Fawn Miller, a swinger from back East, moved toward me.