My crazy girlfriend Lani Brooke loves to surprise me with unusual sex games like when she said “let’s have a threesome” and the third one turned out to be her sock puppet. Then there is the time she started calling out various names of past and present Presidents and telling me that I had to fuck like them… (imagine trying to conjur up how Bush Sr. or Gerald Ford would lay some fuck down and you can guess how tough that would be; although when she called out Clinton I knew right away just how pervy I could get)

Well, today she calls me to the chamber of love and when she comes up from under the covers – her usual surprise attack which I know now to be quite wary of – she came out with a little fake mustache on and told me to fuck her new alter ego “Larry”!

I could have froze up. I could have questioned my sexuality. I could have been an angry homophobe and been totally turned off. But I didn’t. I watched Sean Penn’s brilliant performance in “Milk” and if he could act like a gay man and win an Academy Award then I could use “the method” to pull of an equally award worthy performance.

I knew just what to do. I didn’t hesitate. I said, “I am going to get all Castro – Fire Island – Santa Monica Blvd on your sweet little ass baby!”

I grabbed the lube…

You can figure out the rest you dirty little whores!

there is one great way

to start and end discussions

with a big butt plug

Get down and dirty

In a tight spot a hot place

The sun never shines

I have been in the porn biz for years but truthfully I am much more conservative than one would imagine somebody in my industry to be. I can’t help it. I was raised on the East Coast where the white collared stiffs with starchy values golf clubbed country club social mores into kids from the time they were too young to know even know what a beemer was. Don’t talk about money. Do not discuss religion, politics, or your problems, and definitely never ever never talk about sex. Those were things best left in private.

Now admittedly, I ran to the west coast seeking freedom and the chance to see more Dead concerts and inevitably I did loosen up a bit to the point where I got into porn… umm… I guess you can say I loosened up quite a bit but not entirely. There are still some things that bring out that old colonial puritanical crap in me. Walking behind Lani when we went to the mall the other day and watching in shock and awe and a tiny bit of horror as she dropped her pants and mooned me in the parking lot would certainly be proof of that. I didn’t know what to do. She just kept walking with her ass going boom, boom, boom like a tight drum pounding out a hypnotic rhythm that would cause the whole parking lot to fall in step behind her and march.

Somewhere between hypnotized, mesmerized, and intoxicated I walked behind and tried to stammer out some sort of protest. What if people saw us? (lol, see what I mean? Notice how I say “us” like I am worried about what people will think of my naked ass… ) I couldn’t say much. All that came out was something that sounded like “Babee, babe, babee, ba, b,b,b” !

Luckily she pulled them up in time before I had to worry about if we gave the old lady behind us a heart attack. Things were back to good old status quo. Everyone in his place and doing what he or she should be doing.

 Suddenly I had an appetite for sushi.

Say whatever you like about porn being good or bad, regardless of any one’s opinion, I believe this form of entertainment, particularly the amateur videos from companies like Homegrown Video prove once and for all that the body image ideal foisted upon us from birth on is just balderdash.  Look at the majority of porn available today and what do you see? Entire series devoted to women with big breasts, round asses, curves, curviness, curvaceousness, yes, even big beautiful women that many health practitioners would term as downright obese. How many titles do you see out there focused on anorexic runway models? Is that because those kinds of girls just would never make porn? I don’t think so. There are just too many models out there that don’t end up being international multimillion dollar a year “supermodels” that need to pay the rent and just not enough runway events and magazine ads to pay all the bills for that to be true. The truth is that when the clothes come off those body types most people realize that sex with someone that looks almost as emaciated as a prisoner on hunger strike just isn’t that appealing. The notion that one of them will possibly “break in two” while getting fucked hard just doesn’t add sizzle to the recipe for great sex.  Justifiably, the woman with “some meat on her bones” offers the warm, luscious, bounty of flesh which one can grab hold of, immersing in the giggle of the jiggle, and find endless joy touching, tickling, massaging, and sometimes even delivering a resounding fanny smack to without worrying about bending, breaking, spindling, folding, or yes, even breaking.

10. Doggy style sex with bony butt girls is like hitting yourself in the groin with a baseball bat

9. Nice round butts make a nice cushion for kicking back on and watching the game

8. Grabbing a nice round butt has saved more than a few from falling out of bed during frenzied fucking

7. The sight of a nice round butt in tight blue jeans is known to inspire artistic pursuits and give purpose to life

6. Without nice round asses, bikini briefs would be about as sexy as a used condom

5. Sure skinny models may look better in clothes but when it comes to getting naked a nice round ass is more attractive to nine out of ten professional pornographers

4. One just simply cannot play butt bongo on anything but a nice round butt

3. Rap videos would be boring as hell without nice round ass booty girls shaking rump

2. Nice round asses have been worshipped throughout the ages as a sign of bounty and plenitude

1. Because Homegrown Video celebrates nice round asses and gives them the attention they justly deserve!