Stephanie Swift was not returning the calls. I gave up. We would have to find someone else to sign at our booth in Las Vegas at the AVN show. Worse, I know I sounded like a frigging didn’t know  he’d been dumped yet high school boyfriend that hadn’t taken the hint yet when I left the messages basically pleading with her to return my calls on the promise, made weak with such hesitation and uncertainty, that it would hopefully, maybe, possibly be worth her while. Time was running out. We would just have to try and find someone else that would stand there and look hot and keep a smile through grueling hours of slobbering guys paying her greasy compliments all day long. In addition, I had other concerns to deal with because our genius graffiti artist hired to spray our booth had not come in yet to discuss the artwork and he was becoming just as hard to get a call back from. I am not sure if that is a compliment to porn stars or a critique of artists but either way I was going nuts and was ready to throw the artist into an anal gang bang scene or spray the flaky porn girls with a can of rust-O-leum.

Finally the artist came by the office to discuss the booth. I told him we wanted it to tell a story about the evolution of Homegrown Video, how we started as a purely amateur porn company but blossomed into something completely unique and how far we were looking into the future as we grew and matured as an adult entertainment company. He nodded but when he nodded he seemed close to nodding out since I think he had worked perhaps one too many late nights with a can of paint spraying out mind altering vapors of toluene without the protection of a gas mask. This may have had some benefit to  the creative side of the process but nailing down some sort of  business arrangement was becoming increasingly complex; I might as well have been dropping acid and trying to take the police entrance exam.

I couldn’t be sure that he actually understood that we needed the work done by a specific deadline in order to send the booth to Vegas in order to be set up in time. I couldn’t even tell if he had actually started work on it. He asked if I could provide some reference material to help inspire the female figures that he wanted to paint. Well, in an amateur porn company that certainly was not  going to be a problem. Why it took so long to get to that point, dude wants a porn handout, fine, not like I haven’t  heard that before, was a bit beyond me. I wasn’t about to sniff paint to figure it out though; I went to the rack full of all the porn mags that we had and grabbed a few for him to review. He showed me some pictures that he wanted to use and I said no problem, good luck, ok I will advance just a bit  more of the cash that was not due until completion, please, please, please  get this  done in time and sent him on his way. He tore out the images carefully and went on his ethereal, dopey way.

A few days later, the magazine was still on my desk.  I opened it up to see if we had any of our movies reviewed. Nothing. But there was something that certainly got my attention faster than a porn star faking her first orgasm. I turned the page and there was Stephanie Swift. Not only was she very clearly and prominently featured absolutely blatantly in a porn rag, but also she was engaged in an act that truly represents the very pinnacle of porn sluttiness. There was sweet and shy Stephanie Swift, who didn’t  want her boyfriend to know that she did anal or other guys and didn’t want her boyfriend’s parents to know that she did an amateur porn for Homegrown Video, pure and natural amateur Stephanie Swift in a gang bang video. Anal, oral, vaginal, the triple penetration crown of dirty nasty whorishness, massive multiple loads of spunk plastered on her face from a bunch of meat heads and mooks, even a line of guys bending over for her to lick each and every one of their assholes, including the hairiest and nastiest puckered sphincter of the king of smut himself Mr. Ron Jeremy, Stephanie was doing it all and with a sly smile on her face. Maybe she was just happy that she had a multi-video contract. Maybe she knew that once people saw her licking Ron Jeremy’s sweaty stank of pubic twirled and curled anus they would know that she was capable of going where not porn star had gone before.

Mr. Lake,

I saw “curvy amateur girls, volume 1″ yesterday and like most other adult movies I dound it to be very boring because there was no I-M-A-G-I-N-A-T-I-O-N in Homegrown’s starlets with this particular adult vid! For example, NO PROFANITY! Something like “fuck me like a dog”, “fuck me till I scream”, and then “fuck me for screaming!”

No ass licking. Have two middle age white woman licking a buck negroes black ass for about an hour and then they begs him to them up and he takes turns fucking both of their pussy and their white ass. When he gets off then those sluts begs him to whip their butts with his belt until their asses is black and blue.

I also would love to see those 2 white sluts take turns finger fucking his black ass and then they stick their fingers in each others mouth!

Get the idea mr. Lake?!

Ed. Note: I get it. More colorful. More perverted. But I don’t want any liability from overly excessive butt licking…

My crazy girlfriend Lani Brooke loves to surprise me with unusual sex games like when she said “let’s have a threesome” and the third one turned out to be her sock puppet. Then there is the time she started calling out various names of past and present Presidents and telling me that I had to fuck like them… (imagine trying to conjur up how Bush Sr. or Gerald Ford would lay some fuck down and you can guess how tough that would be; although when she called out Clinton I knew right away just how pervy I could get)

Well, today she calls me to the chamber of love and when she comes up from under the covers – her usual surprise attack which I know now to be quite wary of – she came out with a little fake mustache on and told me to fuck her new alter ego “Larry”!

I could have froze up. I could have questioned my sexuality. I could have been an angry homophobe and been totally turned off. But I didn’t. I watched Sean Penn’s brilliant performance in “Milk” and if he could act like a gay man and win an Academy Award then I could use “the method” to pull of an equally award worthy performance.

I knew just what to do. I didn’t hesitate. I said, “I am going to get all Castro – Fire Island – Santa Monica Blvd on your sweet little ass baby!”

I grabbed the lube…

You can figure out the rest you dirty little whores!

there is one great way

to start and end discussions

with a big butt plug

Get down and dirty

In a tight spot a hot place

The sun never shines

I have been in the porn biz for years but truthfully I am much more conservative than one would imagine somebody in my industry to be. I can’t help it. I was raised on the East Coast where the white collared stiffs with starchy values golf clubbed country club social mores into kids from the time they were too young to know even know what a beemer was. Don’t talk about money. Do not discuss religion, politics, or your problems, and definitely never ever never talk about sex. Those were things best left in private.

Now admittedly, I ran to the west coast seeking freedom and the chance to see more Dead concerts and inevitably I did loosen up a bit to the point where I got into porn… umm… I guess you can say I loosened up quite a bit but not entirely. There are still some things that bring out that old colonial puritanical crap in me. Walking behind Lani when we went to the mall the other day and watching in shock and awe and a tiny bit of horror as she dropped her pants and mooned me in the parking lot would certainly be proof of that. I didn’t know what to do. She just kept walking with her ass going boom, boom, boom like a tight drum pounding out a hypnotic rhythm that would cause the whole parking lot to fall in step behind her and march.

Somewhere between hypnotized, mesmerized, and intoxicated I walked behind and tried to stammer out some sort of protest. What if people saw us? (lol, see what I mean? Notice how I say “us” like I am worried about what people will think of my naked ass… ) I couldn’t say much. All that came out was something that sounded like “Babee, babe, babee, ba, b,b,b” !

Luckily she pulled them up in time before I had to worry about if we gave the old lady behind us a heart attack. Things were back to good old status quo. Everyone in his place and doing what he or she should be doing.

 Suddenly I had an appetite for sushi.

Say whatever you like about porn being good or bad, regardless of any one’s opinion, I believe this form of entertainment, particularly the amateur videos from companies like Homegrown Video prove once and for all that the body image ideal foisted upon us from birth on is just balderdash.  Look at the majority of porn available today and what do you see? Entire series devoted to women with big breasts, round asses, curves, curviness, curvaceousness, yes, even big beautiful women that many health practitioners would term as downright obese. How many titles do you see out there focused on anorexic runway models? Is that because those kinds of girls just would never make porn? I don’t think so. There are just too many models out there that don’t end up being international multimillion dollar a year “supermodels” that need to pay the rent and just not enough runway events and magazine ads to pay all the bills for that to be true. The truth is that when the clothes come off those body types most people realize that sex with someone that looks almost as emaciated as a prisoner on hunger strike just isn’t that appealing. The notion that one of them will possibly “break in two” while getting fucked hard just doesn’t add sizzle to the recipe for great sex.  Justifiably, the woman with “some meat on her bones” offers the warm, luscious, bounty of flesh which one can grab hold of, immersing in the giggle of the jiggle, and find endless joy touching, tickling, massaging, and sometimes even delivering a resounding fanny smack to without worrying about bending, breaking, spindling, folding, or yes, even breaking.

10. Doggy style sex with bony butt girls is like hitting yourself in the groin with a baseball bat

9. Nice round butts make a nice cushion for kicking back on and watching the game

8. Grabbing a nice round butt has saved more than a few from falling out of bed during frenzied fucking

7. The sight of a nice round butt in tight blue jeans is known to inspire artistic pursuits and give purpose to life

6. Without nice round asses, bikini briefs would be about as sexy as a used condom

5. Sure skinny models may look better in clothes but when it comes to getting naked a nice round ass is more attractive to nine out of ten professional pornographers

4. One just simply cannot play butt bongo on anything but a nice round butt

3. Rap videos would be boring as hell without nice round ass booty girls shaking rump

2. Nice round asses have been worshipped throughout the ages as a sign of bounty and plenitude

1. Because Homegrown Video celebrates nice round asses and gives them the attention they justly deserve!