Twas the night before triple XXXmas, when all through the house
No lingerie was rustling, not even a blouse.
The fishnets stockings were hung clipped to the garter with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

He was chubby and plump, a right horny old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know he wanted in bed

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all Lani’s hot holes, then stroked with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of her anus,
this guy was totally shameless!

He sprang up after he’d been laid, to his friends gave a whistle,
And away they all blew out like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Triple XXXmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Sienna is what you want for XXXmas

At Homegrown Video, in the spirit of the holiday season, here are ten celebrity sex tapes that we would ask Santa to set up and capture on video and make sure they are really nice and naughty…

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie… and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but only the ones that are over 18 and eligible to participate by age in an amateur sex video because that would just be one helluva good gang bang with a cumshot chorus.

2. Kim Kardashian’s mom, because she is pretty much hotter than any of the daughters and obviously loves the process of what it takes to start making a baby… but only for anal because we don’t need any more of those frigging kids running around making bad reality tv.

3.  Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin in their very first lesbian porn tryst because it is time to give piece of ass a chance and see what all that same sex fuss is really all about.

4. The Green Bay Packers vs the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders; despite the single loss so far this season, the Packers would have a chance to prove why they are called the “packers” and really field some plays in the Dallas Cheerleader end zones. Hot stuff. Make sure the Gatorade cooler is full of lube…

5. Tom Cruise in a “See, I am not really gay” homemade sex tape with his wife… what was her name again? I asked him and he didn’t remember either.

6. Bill Clinton in a “to all the girls I have ever fucked” special tribute sex tape with all of his former lovers and with Hillary giving him a nice sloppy bj at the end to remind him why they stayed together all these years.

7. Lindsey Lohan and Megan Fox wearing strap on dildos and fucking director Micheal Bay in the ass in tandem while they tell him everything they hate about big loud stupid manipulative repetitive Hollywood drivel paint by numbers action films.

8. Betty White proving once and for all that age and experience and a very high sex drive really do keep you looking young, well… not necessarily young, but hot enough to keep the casting couch warm enough to stay employed in a town as tough as Tinseltown.

9. Linda Carter, former “wonder woman” star and famous model with really awesome huge natural tits doing a GGW style tape – even though she may be old enough now to be your grandma she still looks better than most skanky ho bags a third her age.

10. Homegrown Video getting a video sent in by a masked couple that actually turns out to be… Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell! (They wore masks because they didn’t want anyone to judge them…)

Supplication...

Ok, holding to the notion that everything is derived from the creative act of God’s infinite wisdom and ability to think of amazing things, then masturbation  must certainly fall under that aegis. Indeed, one could even postulate that creation by one that has no equal therefore none that can help…ahem… umm… handle business… amen… is sort of an act of masturbation insofar as it is a singular activity that serves no greater purpose than momentary inspiration and satisfaction of an finite job well done in an infinite universe. So, if that is true then jerking off is perhaps a form of prayer – a reflection of the true nature of the all knowing and omnipotent power of a higher power, one capable of merging dreams and molding fantasies into solid reality that one can see, touch, smell, hear and become one with.

Without further ado… the ten reasons God invented masturbation:

1. God created masturbation so that everyone had something to do with their hands once the praying was done and Sunday football finished for the evening and the remote no longer necessary.
2. Masturbation is the Lord’s way of saying that you can give yourself a hand for a job well done.
3. Orgasms mimic the pulsating, rippling waves of energy that bring light to darkness to transform the universe with the power of feelgood vibes.
4. God pretty much ordered folks to beat off when he sent Jesus along with the “love thine self” directive.
5. Because God made Homegrown Video the instrument of amateur porn and thus inspired millions to enjoy a little time on hand.

Homegrown Video has always had an X factor that helps it stand apart. Sure, on the surface, when you give amateur porn a first glance, they might look the same –  suck suck, fuck fuck. But, on closer inspection… you will notice a special and significant difference that sets one apart from the other, as separate and distinctly different as dick is to a pussy.

The smile.

You get the feeling watching a Homegrown Video that the people actually want to be there and actually are having fun. I can’t tell you how often I have looked at the glut of so-called amateur porn that just looks like the folks involved are absolutely miserable and would rather be anywhere else.

Anywhere.

Washing bedpans full of the final evacuations of dead people at a retirement home looks like it would be more appealing. At Homegrown, that just will not abide! Henceforth, we dedicate ourselves to putting the fun back in amateur porn!

In 1982, Homegrown Video became the first company to distribute homemade sex videos and changed the entire landscape of adult videos forever. Before Youtube made everyone a producer, director, and star of their own movies just as Steven Spielberg once predicted the access to video cameras would change the world of movie-making, Homegrown Video put the power of being a porn star in the hands, and private parts, of the masses. The effort was grassroots, and like grass, when it caught fire it spread quickly to change the entire face of porn. Even professional high glamour companies, from Playboy to Vivid et. al., began to offer amateur stylized productions.

Homegrown paved the way for “gonzo” and “reality” porn, offspring of amateur porn. It laid the foundation for celebrity sex tapes, from Tanya Harding through Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Homegrown Video made making a homemade sex video fun and more importantly – normal – and even sort of acceptable in a mischievously naughty sort of way. If your next door neighbor might be doing it, then people didn’t have to feel so weird about themselves enjoying this form of entertainment. In this way, Homegrown Video helped bring porn out of the shadows in San Fernando valley, and into the bright light of mainstream consciousness.

Homegrown Video did not stop shaping the landscape there either and continued to innovate by digging down into what customers really wanted, then building mountains of content to satisfy them specifically. Focusing on niche themed fare in the days before the internet became a what it is today, Homegrown launched series like “CreamPie Club” and “Natural Bush” that addressed exactly what customers were looking for in their porn and catered to niches that had previously been completely neglected. As one fan once wrote, “Now I don’t have to keep watching movies shot in 1970 if I want to see hairy pussies”.

Just as Apple’s i-Tunes changed the way people listen to music, Homegrown Video changed the way people look at porn. Not only that, it changed the way people look in porn. Eric Schlosser, the author of “Fast Food Nation”, says in his book “Reefer Madness” that “Made by the people, for the people, Homegrown Video represents the democracy of porn”. Today, the face of porn is no longer necessarily a blond busty beauty with big fake boobs; it might be a housewife in Ohio, or a privileged socialite, a big beautiful woman or a skinny young co-ed with a very hairy pussy, thanks to Homegrown Video’s impact on the world of porn.

Homegrown amateur

as kleenex is to tissue

great for orgasms

Homegrown has Vintage Amateur to Modern Day

Post coital bliss...

kendra loves to swing!

big boobs wet white shirt and your imagination

Ron Jeremy is a porn legend. Even that people that have never watched a porn in their lives know who he is. I remember one day when we were done with a shoot for my pal Al Borda we all went to Denny’s to enjoy a post porn production meal. First one patron walked slowly by, trying to control the double take and look without looking.

Then another. And another… then in pairs.

Then people started not even bothering to try and appear nonchalant or unaware. In fact, they started coming right up to the table and talking to Ron as if they knew him and began asking for autographs. In fact, even the waitresses came up and asked for autographs, not only for themselves, but also for their co-workers back in the kitchen that couldn’t  come out.

That is when I knew beyond  the shadow of my pale white dick that Ron Jeremy is a boner-fide celebrity. And for what? Sure, he had a reputation for being “that guy in porn” with the mustache and the pot belly and the big head of kinky hair. The guy who seemed more likely to be one of the line chef in the Denny’s kitchen with the big grease smeared apron and the spatula flipping eggs for the morning rush.

Ron had an undeniable charisma in spite of the fact that he possesses a notorious reputation for being something of a slob. Lots of rumors swirled around about Ron; that he is insanely cheap and lived on the couch of a friend rather than keep rent on his own place; that he did that despite having tucked away millions from the fruits of his loin labors; that he is actually genius level intelligence but does porn just because he loves to fuck; and that he didn’t like taking baths which is why he supposedly smelled so nasty.

We were living in a loft downtown in Los Angeles. We had rented our space to a few pro and amateur porn outfits and if you were willing to have to sometimes pick up a used condom now and again and didn’t mind hiding your phone for a few hours, the money was easy. So, our neighbors, Spark and Ing wanted in on the action.

Money was tight for the artist designer Spark. He was an incredible artist but typically difficult to work with and Ing’s cosmetics job was not bringing in enough to cover the expenses either so renting the space out for a shoot seemed like a great idea. I had to warn them though. “Are you cool with people trying to use your phone to call their relatives back east?” “Do you mind having to clean up after the caterers turn your kithen upside down?” “Is it ok if your furniture gets moved around and not put back how you had it?”

Ing said she was fine with everything, but that was sort of surprising since she had been raised in an intensely conservative and deeply religious family and would blush looking at a bra ad advertising more support. Moreover, she had never even seen porn. Then I mentioned Ron. “Have you ever heard of Ron Jeremy?” Ing looked a bit terrified. “He will be there?” She asked. “Isn’t he  really dirty?”

I guess easy money always has hard considerations to make. “He isn’t bad, that is just part of his image – they call him the hedgehog. He is just a hairy guy but he is nice and polite and you will probably like him.”

Ing spent a few days thinking about it. During this time she went back and forth about yes or no or yes or maybe but finally I had to say, “The production company has to make a decision so yay or nay?”

Ing said yes, but under certain strict conditions.  Their place had to be left clean. Ok. She wanted to also make money doing the make up. Ok. And if she had any issues with Ron then the plug would be pulled. Ok.

“We have never had a problem at our place.” I told her.

(to be continued)

Was that a squirrel?!

Being in the porn biz – especially amateur porn – as long as I had been, well, you see things. Crazy things. Sexy stuff, of course, but sometimes things that just pretty much leave you speechless like you just got caught masturbating in a gym locker after the girls soccer practice. I was interviewing Terry the housewife from Salt Lake City Utah and she was telling me all the wild stuff that she liked to do. She loves anal. She loves DP.

She loves giving gummers.

I know I had hesitated not really understanding quite what she meant by that but trying to figure it out before I looked like a moron when she dropped her dentures out and  it became all too obvious. Well, never let it be said that I don’t have a taste for adventure and like as Hunter S. Thompson once said, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” So I said, “Ok” and away we headed to shoot a homemade sex tape at my house.

Terry started by playing with a toy. Her pleasingly plump and curvaceous body was nice; I imagine in her 20′s that she was probably very much the “girl next door type” but age and experience and a few kids transformed her into the “milf next door” .

I watched and kept the camera rolling while she played with her sex toys until she beckoned me to join her. I was anxious to experience the gummer and my dick was hard and standing firm giving the “Ok, let’s do this” salute. She proceeded to suck and tongue my dick with enthusiasm and at the perfect moment she very seamlessly and almost invisibly pulled the dentures out in a swift motion that looked like she was merely wiping the slobber from her mouth left by the wet bj. But when her mouth went back to my cock…

Oh my freaking fucking ding dang ding-a-ling dong!

That shit felt AMAZING! It was kind of like a tickling sensation but so smooth and surreal because if there had been teeth it would have been “toothy” and miserable but with just gums there was nothing unpleasant about it at all. I was going to cum way too fast but she eased back. A moment later, she just as quickly popped her teeth back in and invited me to fuck her in her big round butt.

Kind of makes me look forward to being in the old folks home now to tell you the truth…

Check the video out at Homegrown – “Terry and Don” in “Bedroom Windows #53″!

Yes, big breasts do make the world go 'round!

Terry was a “Vivid Girl” in her prime. I am not sure I believed it since I had never heard of her but that didn’t mean she wasn’t one just that I probably didn’t  know the flow of starlets in and out of the industry like I thought I did. Looking at her, it wasn’t hard to imagine that in her youth she probably was up to the task. She had blond hair and a plush body and an attitude that certainly radiated a healthy appetite for sex, along with a few extra desserts every once in a while. Now pushing forty and having been out of the porn business for nearly a decade she looked just like any mom that would probably be on the sidelines of the football game cheering on her son playing in the Pop Warner league. The few extra pounds meant she wouldn’t be trying on her lace and garters from those movies she did in her youth, but she had grown some nice curves that could easily still turn eyes. And knowing that gave her a certain kind of confidence…

She was in town from Utah and on a mission to enjoy one last taste of the wild side and met at the Homegrown Video office in San Diego. The interview went smoothly as I asked her about her former career as a porn star and why she wanted to make an amateur porn video for Homegrown. Her and her husband wanted to do a new kitchen and the budget wasn’t going to cut it without a few extra bucks. She suggested making some porn and heard that Homegrown was more open to “real girls” and not those “skinny little things with big fake tits”. Too true and of course I took it as a compliment. I asked her if she had anyone that she wanted to make the video with; what about her husband?

“No, he is way too shy.”

I didn’t have any suggestions. It wasn’t like we kept a stable of young handsome fuck studs on hand that would be able to service the woman at her whim. She didn’t care. A woman of a certain age, that has borne children, put up with a husband not putting down the toilet seat, and all of those trials and tribulations didn’t have time to fuck around especially when it was time to get her fuck on.

She pointed at me. “What about you?”

I was surprised but flattered and if there is one kind of aphrodisiac that works wonders on me it is blunt honesty.

“You could fuck me. I even like anal too if you want to fuck me in the ass.”

I was speechless. Age and experience can trump youth and exuberance.

“One more thing”, she said, “I can also give gummers.”

Then she slipped out her dentures.

(to be continued…)

Nice couch... I mean ass!

Sex on a brown couch

you couldn’t give it away

not with that cum stain…